My daughter is 18 and I'm nervous about the independence I gave her growing up
I grew up in a strict household that left me fearful and aching to escape.
I didn't want the same fate for my daughter so I decided to parent the completely opposite way.
I let my kid do whatever she wanted, but now I'm worried about how much freedom I gave her.
Growing up, my childhood became about escaping my strict parents' rules and the fear of repercussions if I stepped out of line.
I wasn't given the freedom and opportunity to fall and get up and learn from my mistakes, a fundamental ingredient in developing one's identity. So, I made a lot of mistakes in my life, driven by fear.
I got married at 22. I was divorced at 30, with no idea who I was. It's taken me years to unpack my upbringing and discover my self-worth. However, the more I learned to master challenges the more empowered I became, which is why, when I had my daughter, I decided to parent the opposite way from how I was raised.
I wanted my daughter to learn who she was and what she wanted in life from a young age. I didn't want her to be limited by the rules of her parents, like I was, or to make the same mistakes I did. So, I pretty much allowed her to do whatever she liked.
I took a completely different approach to parenting
Contrary to my upbringing, where I didn't know much about my immigrant parents' past and wasn't allowed a boyfriend or to watch kissing on television, I didn't keep things from my daughter.
I was open about sex, drugs, and alcohol. She knew about my past mistakes, and I told her what I learned from them so she could make informed choices of her own.
Rather than tell her what to do, I would discuss the possible dangers and put the onus on her to decide — and to accept the consequences of her actions.
I'm worried about how much freedom I gave my daughter
My daughter is now 18 and preparing to flex her independence and flee the nest. I can't help but fear how I raised her has made her grow accustomed to a certain level of freedom that'll expose her to more of the world than I ever was at her age.
For example, I worry about what she will be like when she attends university and is exposed to new people and the experimentation that lifestyle can bring. She may start mingling with potentially dangerous crowds that use drugs because she feels she can "handle it" as she knows "so much about the world" through me.
She's also on the verge of obtaining her driver's license and I fear that the freedom I gave her, coupled with her lack of driving experience, could accidentally backfire into a bad situation, like being over-confident with her driving and getting into an accident.
My daughter is aware of so much, but with awareness can come curiosity, or even, over-inflated confidence. She has no problem giving her opinion of anything, from pulling me up on my political views to schooling me on my relationships.
I was scared of everything for much of my life, allowing others to tell me what to do. My daughter, on the other hand, is scared of nothing and makes her own decisions confidently.
I still don't agree with how my parents raised me, but I understand their choices now more than ever and have been humbled as a parent. I now know that my parents did the best they could as Cyprus immigrants who escaped colonization and poverty.
As difficult as it is, I don't regret my parenting choices
I can't suddenly impose restrictions on her now that she's 18, the legal age for alcohol, driving, gambling, and nightclubbing in Australia. And I don't necessarily want to.
No matter how uncomfortable and challenging it is now, I don't regret my parenting style.
Her upbringing has given my daughter the same level of maturity that I didn't achieve until age 30.
Plus, being open with her has brought us close, where I feel she would tell me anything. I wouldn't want to jeopardize that trust — something I lacked with my parents growing up.
Koraly Dimitriadis is the author of the poetry books Love and Fck Poems, Just Give Me The Pills and She's Not Normal, and the short story collection The Mother Must Die. She is currently developing a fictional love story set in Melbourne and Cyprus and a non-fiction book, Not Till You're Married. www.koralydimitriadis.com
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