Dad’s Army: Six Men Working to Help Fathers Find Community
Being a father is arguably more challenging today than it has ever been. Or that’s what you’ve told us. In a recent Men’s Health survey, 72% of you agreed that fatherhood is more difficult than it used to be. It’s hugely rewarding too, of course. But becoming a father has real effects on men’s mental health – effects that are often overlooked.
Our survey showed that 78% of dads have worried about whether or not they are a ‘good’ father, while 90% agree that the difficulties that come with fatherhood aren’t taken seriously enough.
Still, fewer than a quarter of the men we surveyed said they’d be ‘very comfortable’ asking other fathers within their social circle for support or guidance, while 29% say the idea of asking for help makes them uncomfortable.
We’d like to see that change – as would the six pioneers below, all of whom are hard at work to help dads of all demographics feel less alone. Because help is out there. You just need to know where to look.
Marvyn Harrison
Founder of online community Dope Black Dads.
It was around Father's Day, 2018. I remember feeling on my own, and pulling away from my family for a few months. There was a dull feeling of not really feeling worthy of the socks or the breakfast in bed.
I wanted to speak to other men, other dads, about what they were experiencing. So I created a group chat with people who I had known in different ways. A train carriage mix of people, but all Black.
We had never discussed fatherhood. What being a dad was like, what that feeling was, what tools we used, how loudly we spoke in the house, how many hugs we gave.
The opening conversation was like, 'I just appreciate you all being visible dads because I'm looking for information, and I feel like because you're doing it, I can.' It was astounding how many men felt alienated in their own families, disconnected from what their contribution was.
It all culminated in this bizarre, revealing session where everybody shared their emotions without judgement. We were saying the really difficult things out loud, encouraging each other to go to therapy, giving tips on how to spend more time with your kids, how Blackness impacts masculinity, how it impacts us as fathers.
We started a podcast and built from there. About five years later, we have the podcast, a social media platform, group meet-ups, the WhatsApp group still. There’s a database of almost 400,000 people that we speak to on a weekly basis. We just wanted to be the kind of dads and men that the community needed.
George Lewis
Comedian and author of Don’t Panic!, an honest guidebook for expectant dads.
Before I had kids, all my mates who were dads would say, 'You’ve got to do it. It’s the best thing you’ll ever do.' And you believe them but you’re like, 'I’ve been zorbing – it’s better than zorbing?'
And then you do it and it’s not exactly how they sold it. Those first days I was just, 'I cannot do this.' And it’s not that I didn’t want to do it, but how are they trusting me to go away with this baby and just keep it alive forever?
When I became a dad there was a feeling in comedy that you don’t mention your kids on stage. It’ll make you seem old or not relevant any more. And then I wrote a book about being a parent and it was all about finding the funny things that mates tell each other about being a parent, as opposed to all the books I read, which were just really practical.
What I felt I didn’t have was how it feels to be a dad. The things that are frustrating and boring and hilarious. I got loads of really nice feedback and that’s when I started doing these videos on social media.
I wouldn’t want anyone to watch my videos and think parenting’s shit. Because I don’t think it is, I think it’s great. But it’s a chance to say: 'This is the thing I’ve been struggling with today: Everyone tells you it goes by so fast but my kid has just taken three hours to do a jigsaw.'
Kevin Stoodley
Founder of North East Young Dads and Lads, a charity which supports young fathers.
We’re often the first people young dads have met who have said to them, 'Congratulations. You’re a dad now, that’s brilliant.' They begin fatherhood with negative reactions from families, from services.
Services often see young mums as vulnerable but deserving support. They see young dads as vulnerable but a risk. The perception is that they are feckless and dangerous. So young dads are often marginalised.
Our main aim is to support young dads to be active in their children’s lives. It’s about helping them with parenting skills, relationship skills, finding a sense of belonging and confidence as parents. As well as challenging the stigmas that come with being a young dad, championing them and giving them a space to be heard.
Peer support is the most important part of our work. A lot of young dads don’t know any other young dads out there. Introducing them to another young dad can be life changing because it can become an actual support network. We know some dads who met through the programme and are still best mates years later, godparents to each other’s kids.
We view young men as having the potential to be amazing dads. Because we see it time and again. Through the support we give them and their own tenacity and motivation, they grow into really skilled, very attentive young dads.
Stuart & Francis
Social media creators and campaigners whose content documents their journey as gay fathers.
For gay fathers in the UK especially, it's like an underground world. When you decide to start a family, what do you do, where do you go? What does it look like? What does it feel like to be a dad in a two-dad family?
There wasn't that much information about having a family via surrogacy. We started the initial phase in America, because we didn't know anyone who had done it and the laws here are so strange. The surrogate mother is the legal mother and her husband is the legal father, and that doesn’t change for the first year.
We did it with IVF because obviously we can’t have children any other way. It’s a huge financial commitment and just not an option for a lot of people. If you're a heterosexual couple and you can't get pregnant, you get one round of IVF through the NHS. So maybe there needs to be something for gay couples too.
We spoke at length about sharing our story. Putting yourselves and your family online is daunting, but there just wasn’t information or the representation. Like, where are the gay dads? So we asked ourselves, should we document our journey from the very beginning? Then whatever someone wants to know, they can see exactly how to do it.
We’ve had comments saying we’d changed people’s perception or helped somebody’s mum see that it could be a possibility for them. That is a beautiful thing, to be visible.
Billy McGranaghan
Founder of Dad’s House, a charity for single dads that offers support, a food bank and a pro bono family law clinic.
For a dad, not being able to see his children is so detrimental to his wellbeing and his mental health. But it’s also the children's mental health, because kids want to be with both mum and dad if it's a loving relationship.
We’ll get between 200-300 calls a week. When men reach out to Dad’s House, they’re lost. Exhausted. Some might have spent £300,000 in the courts, be sleeping in their car but still paying the mortgage or maintenance. Others are just asking for advice on clothing, housing, benefits, what's available, what they're entitled to.
Poverty causes divided families and family breakdown can be devastating for men. A lot of single dads are struggling financially. They’re lonely and isolated. They come in to use the food bank, but then they’ll tell us the problems they're facing as well.
We help dads with all of it if we can. We've got family law clinics, football, a buddy service, cooking classes, lunch clubs, dad yoga, drug and alcohol testing. Dad's House is classless, but we wouldn't help anyone who's ever been convicted of domestic violence.
I believe our family law clinics have saved dads’ lives, especially those dads who are just starting in the system. You'll get dads who are really angry at the system. We give them practical support, understanding and kindness and that’s the perfect thing, you know?
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