Has the cult of beauty permanently changed how much we enjoy sex?
'I don’t think I’ve ever let a man see me without makeup on. I have my lashes and nails done before a date and if I sleep with someone you best believe I’m up before him so I can put my face on before he wakes up.'
Daisy* a 33-year old from London is explaining that she feels positively about her love life and enjoys dating, but the prep required before she can go on a date or have sex with someone is an admin-heavy endeavour that she spends a lot of time thinking about. And if the prep isn’t done? The date won’t go ahead.
Daisy isn’t the only person who plans her sex life around her beauty rituals. Like many people in their twenties and thirties, she is part of a generation that’s grown up in a world characterised by perfectly-lit TV sex scenes, easily accessible pornography with high production values, filtered Instagram models and explicitly sexualised marketing for anything from sunscreen to candles and water bottles. But we’ve entered a new era in which our sex lives aren’t just referenced by ads for the products and tweakments we use, they’re directly influenced by them.
Though we might not realise it, the way we practise beauty has begun to affect how we practise sex, how often we have it, and why we have it, perhaps permanently altering the way we behave and how we perceive ourselves and others. We now find ourselves in a state where the emotional burden of looking beautiful might actually prevent us from enjoying or seeking out sexual pleasure altogether. But has it really come to this?
Sex sells
Throughout human history the beauty industry has always been linked to sex. Beauty rituals, treatments and products have perpetually sought to achieve a visual association with sexuality, whether by communicating purity and perfection or the encapsulation of a juicy post-orgasmic glow. And of course, the marketing around beautification has always been inherently sexual because of its association with youth, vitality and attractiveness, whatever the beauty standard of the age might be.
The popularity of beauty treatments, products and routines coupled with the digital revolution has given rise to an obsession with our own and other’s faces and bodies that our human brains simply aren't prepared for. 'Our attraction to beauty has deep evolutionary roots, where traits like symmetry, clear skin, and youthfulness signalled health and fertility,' explains sex and relationships psychologist, Dr Limor Gottlieb.
'However, today’s society exacerbates these evolved preferences with unrealistic beauty standards promoted by media – especially social media – where we compare and compete on a much larger scale. This is referred to as the "evolutionary mismatch". The pursuit of an ideal body image often leads to significant anxiety and performance pressure, which can impact relational intimacy and overall sexual satisfaction. This is because unrealistic beauty standards can make people feel inadequate or self-conscious about their bodies, which can consequently diminish sexual confidence and even lead to avoiding intimacy altogether.'
Some neurologists and researchers have been highly critical of selfie culture and social media for this very reason and some studies have shown that our obsession with how our online images are perceived has led to mental health issues like depression and body dysmorphia, compulsive behaviours and of course, a boom in beauty product sales. We’ve witnessed a huge behavioural shift with the rise of "zoom face" and a spike in aesthetic treatments during and after the pandemic, as well as the widespread mimicry of the types of bodies and genitals that dominate mainstream adult content.
‘Our current level of self-obsession is unprecedented.’ explains Dr Francesca Salierno, author of Beneath the Filters. ‘But increased self-consciousness impacts our creativity and communication skills and makes it harder to create and maintain profound relationships because we’re losing the ability to actually express ourselves. This could lead to a future where physical and intimate relationships are significantly strained.’
With a beauty industry projected to generate £510.69 billion in 2024 it’s not hard to speculate as to how far our behaviours could be influenced by modern beauty standards and the products and services that facilitate them. As people grow collectively more self-conscious, our self-worth and our sexual identities stand to become entirely dependent on our beauty routines and our ability to reflect the very particular standards we’ve grown accustomed to.
Today, tens of thousands of people in Reddit threads and private Facebook groups admit to spending so much time thinking about how they look that they’re unable to focus on enjoying normal activities and of course, these activities extend to sex and dating. These groups document worries about avoiding certain positions because of the way body fat will naturally fold or because of how someone thinks they look from behind sans BBL and intimate bleaching. There are threads on stretch marks, threads on double chins and a slew of worrying admissions on how some people, especially young women, are forgoing intimacy altogether because they’re concerned about a less-than perfect contour or not having skin that tastes like strawberries.
Sexual behaviour is changing across the board, particularly in relation to confidence and enjoyment of sex. 'According to research, women with critical views of their bodies experience heightened anxiety that has been shown to hinder their ability to relax and become aroused,' explains Dr Gottleib.
'Additionally, concerns over specific body parts or weight can complicate sexual experiences and make reaching orgasms more difficult. How we think others perceive our bodies can also play a crucial role in our sexual functioning,' she adds. And as anxiety over perception increases, this stands to impact us all. A 2024 study from Durex showed that just 48 percent of UK men say they are confident with their bodies, compared with 35 percent of women.
Emilia, a 20-year-old from Brighton tells Women’s Health, ‘I have a birthmark covering my whole face, so I feel like I always have to have makeup on around men. Flawless skin with no blemishes is portrayed to be what men love, so I always hide under my makeup. This is fine but when it comes to sex, I get very anxious – what if I get hot and my makeup slips? If I’m kissing someone it can smudge the makeup on my nose, and I get self-conscious. In a way my makeup does empower me, and it makes me feel pretty but I think it also holds me back as I’m so worried to be seen without it and it affects how comfortable I am to be intimate with someone.’
New data from dating app Plenty of Fish shows that over half of singles have felt afraid to show their true unfiltered, make-up-free selves online and feel under pressure to present themselves as aesthetically perfect in order to secure matches. Alix Fox, Plenty of Fish’s dating expert explains, 'there’s a widespread, heartbreaking perception in the dating world that unless you’re a VIP who looks so flawless that they could have been painted by AI then you’re going to be rejected.
Daisy* tells Women’s Health, ‘I don’t go out without my makeup bag. I also have regular botox and filler and I’ve had laser hair removal. There’s a lot I think about before I meet someone. This stuff is important to me and I actually think it’s important to my friends who are my age as well.’
But by going to these lengths to look sexier, are we also altering our relationships and the way we think about intimacy? Renowned plastic surgeon Dr Paul Banwell argues that modern beauty standards have morphed from a natural face into the look of having fillers, botox and other tweakments, people collectively evolve to recognise a tweaked face as the standard. This ‘perception drift’ is not only affecting what we perceive as normal, it could be affecting some people’s willingness to show their real faces online, how attracted we feel to people without make up, tweakments and filters and our keenness to be intimate and vulnerable with others in the real world.
As botox becomes more commonplace, studies have shown its potential impact on our ability to communicate and form relationships. It may sound far-fetched, but some researchers believe that by suspending the use of facial muscles, we’re collectively becoming less expressive and after botox, it can be harder to spot facial signals that enable us to form tighter bonds with others.
Research from Cardiff University has also shown that women might experience less satisfying orgasms or find it harder to orgasm after having had facial botox. Mary Morgan, an academic, writer and expert in body politics explains that ‘botox targets muscles that are associated with orgasms and sexual excitement. Research found there was a significant drop in sexual satisfaction for those who had botox [due to the brain attempting to link pleasure to facial expression, but confusing the connection due to facial muscles being suspended]. A new focus on preventing ageing rather than experiencing life is actually hurting our ability to collectively express ourselves and experience pleasure.’
The rise of perfection
According to data from the Skin Health Alliance, anxiety about skin texture is at an all all-time high with 70 percent of people in the UK stating that their skin concerns affect their confidence and 92 percent of young adults saying their skin’s appearance impacts their general wellbeing. Expectations for what human skin should smell, look and feel like have slowly been warped by social media filters in particular as we see the effects of “skinfantilisation” – a term coined by beauty writer Jessica DeFino – take centre stage in how we ascribe self worth.
Cast your eyes below the belt and a slew of intimate creams, washes and gummies that promise “freshness and taste” are on offer to ensure the new standard for beauty and supposedly better sex can be met. But as a society our increased obsession with cleanliness could be harming our sex lives more than helping them. Durex found that 42 percent of women shave or wax compared with 30 percent of men and this figure increases to 57 percent amongst 18-24-year-olds.
But scrubbing away at our skin, removing all traces of hair and applying acid exfoliants, makeup and heavy scents not only interferes with the natural exchange of pheromones before and during sex, it can also lead to painful skin and a cycle of bacterial infections like thrush and BV. TikTok is awash with videos on how to treat razor burn and ingrown hairs and tongue-in-cheek clips telling us: “I shaved my whole body for this?!”
Of course, some people gain great satisfaction from their beauty regimes and a certain aesthetic can provide enormous confidence. Your body is yours to preen however you wish, that’s your right. But what if all this body admin is actually making you feel terrible and potentially making your sex life worse, both physically and in terms of your emotional connections?
‘Research has found a strong link between self-esteem and the quality of relationships,’ says Morgan. ‘With evidence showing that high self esteem is beneficial to not only the quality of the relationship but also happiness within the relationship..'
Morgan argues that, 'these [modern day hard to achieve] beauty standards are not innate to us, they are cultural and they are learned, and they are being shaped by unrealistic to impossible ideals. Individuals then perceive themselves as less than ideal, and then they feel unable to live up to that quite impossible standard. This can then be projected onto future intimate relationships, fearing partners’ expectations on their own bodies. It can also alter how individuals perceive their partners’ bodies, not only their own.’
As people grow increasingly worried about the colour, size and shape of their labia, anuses and breasts, Dr Banwell, who has strict rules for who he will offer consultations to in his practice, explains that requests for “corrective surgeries” in his field have skyrocketed.
Some academics, including Morgan, argue that as we spend more time staring down the barrel of a handheld mirror or front-facing camera, “porn body” is becoming the new standard that sexual partners naturally expect from one another.
‘Porn has undoubtedly had an enormous effect on what is deemed ‘normal’. From beauty standards to body standards to how sex is even performed’ explains Morgan. ‘Many watching, especially adolescents shaping their views and practice of sex and intimacy, are unaware of how much surgery, photoshop and more has gone into making actors look a certain way. This results in increased levels of body shame, depression, anxiety and an increase in the consideration for genital cosmetic surgery.’
Of course, for some people who experience pain and sexual dysfunction because of the shape and size of their labia this type of surgery can be life changing. However, surgeries like this can also lead to nerve damage and decreased sensation, permanently altering a person’s ability to enjoy sex. Many women are now choosing to have surgeries reversed, breast implants removed and filler dissolved to improve their health and wellbeing and to enjoy a more fulfilling sex life.
‘Physical exposure [to another person] involves vulnerability and acceptance, both of which are made difficult by self-scrutiny and superficial connections based on appearance.’ says Francesca. And Morgan agrees. ‘Self consciousness and insecurity prevent us from being able to relax, enjoy and experience pleasure – it deprives us of our sensuality and sexuality. When you’re as tense as a brick worrying about what you look like, or what your body parts look like, or what face you’re making, how can you possibly let go?’
Could it be possible to envision a future in which we feel relaxed enough about our appearances and our beauty regimes to truly enjoy intimacy? Dr Banwell advises that, ‘the beauty standard is constantly evolving and what was considered beautiful today might not be in 100 years.’ So, our behaviour may well change again, and again as beauty advertising, standards and personal care routines shift. For now we can at least try to champion pleasure over perfection before we lose touch with ourselves, and each other any more than we already have.
'Although physical attractiveness plays a role in how we select partners, research shows that qualities such as kindness, warmth, and ultimately shared values are more important in selecting partners long-term,' says Dr Gottlieb. 'We should prioritise emotional connection which has been shown to increase sexual satisfaction.'
As for what she recommends for those who are struggling with their body image? 'Build a deeper emotional connection in relationships through communication and to trust your partner’s positive perception of your body. Addressing body image issues can begin by reducing negative self-talk, acknowledging your right to sexual pleasure and practising mindfulness to stay present in intimate moments. There’s nothing sexier than being present and showing your partner that you are fully engaged and enjoying sex.'
If we’re having less sex, fewer orgasms and altering the sex we do have due to fear of judgement and insecurities about our essential humanness, we could be setting ourselves up for a very bleak future indeed. Of course, we all want to look our best, but if the cost is our sexual pleasure and our ability to connect with one another, perhaps we should think twice.
*names have been changed to protect privacy
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