The can’t-go-wrong gift guide for useless husbands
“Why are you going through my underwear drawer?” my wife asked suspiciously.
“Er… looking for a lost sock,” I stumbled, caught red-handed.
She raised an eyebrow.
“The other half of my favourite pair,” I offered.
She whispered the word “weirdo” as she left the room.
We’ve all been there, rooting through underwear drawers, poring over labels. For all but the most attentive husbands, our wives’ bra sizes are unreadable hieroglyphics. Until Christmas and birthdays that is, when we find ourselves furtively scrambling through undergarments, trying to decipher the runes.
Elisabeth Noel Jones, the queen of gifting and founder and curator of Gift Me Chic, assures me no offence is meant when a gift is shunned.
“It’s not a personal attack if someone doesn’t like a gift,” she soothes. “Giving someone the permission to not like the gift you’ve bought is important, because you don’t want your gift to end up stuck in a closet.”
This year I’ll be doing what most sensible/clueless men do and request exact instructions, weblinks and sizes. It’s better for everyone.
Yet, like a kicked puppy returning to its mistress for strokes, I still can’t help attempting to get a few surprises each year.
So, what can a bloke like me do?
Here’s a can’t-go-wrong guide to set you on the right track:
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Beauty
Men, step away from the make-up counter! Don’t try to be a hero. Unless you have very specific instructions, it is unlikely to go well. Fragrance is safer ground. You could do as I do and see which of your wife’s perfumes are running low, or you could take advice from fragrance influencer and reviewer Steve Gavrielatos, whose Redolessence social media channels have hundreds of thousands of followers and who owns possibly the world’s largest fragrance collection (4,000-plus bottles).
For safe bets he recommends Prada Paradoxe which has “orange blossom, pear, a touch of vanilla and clean musk” and is an easy-going crowd-pleaser. For someone who is playful and youthful, he recommends Born in Roma by Valentino.
“The safe ingredients,” he concludes, “are jasmine, gardenia, musk, and a touch of vanilla.”
The best beauty gifts at all prices
Top can’t-go-wrong gift
Best to avoid
Make-up; anything with the word “anti-ageing” on it
Fashion gifts
According to Telegraph junior fashion and beauty editor Sophie Tobin, unless directed specifically otherwise, clueless husbands should stick to the basics.
“Either ask and get suggestions or stick to classic items that you can’t go wrong with, like a cashmere jumper,” she advises.
The best fashion gifts at all prices
Top can’t-go-wrong gift
Best to avoid
Anything too trendy
Lingerie and nightwear
Lingerie is another minefield. A common male gift-buying mistake is to pick garments the buyer would like their partners to wear, rather than buying for comfort or practicality.
As Noel Jones explains: “Ask yourself, is it for her because she loves lingerie, and she doesn’t have a pink set? If that’s the case, fine. Or is it for you? If it is, the partner, the wife, the girlfriend will see right through it.” Often, literally if it’s lacy or racy.
Noel Jones advises that unless you are 100 per cent sure, it is safer to keep lingerie gifts for Valentine’s Day. “Because then it’s appropriate.”
The best lingerie and nightwear gifts at all prices
Top can’t-go-wrong gift
Best to avoid
Latex, and anything with the word “peephole” in the description.
Jewellery
Another potential minefield for the clueless. The golden rule here is to keep it classic and understated if you are unsure.
Jo Newton, director of buying for beauty and home at Fortnum & Mason, provides some pointers: “Timeless jewellery such as pieces from designers like Alighieri, Laura Vann’s birthstone collections, or Susan Caplan’s vintage range, make thoughtful and unique gifts,” she says.
Noel Jones adds: “Pay attention to what she wears, is it gold, silver, rose gold? Make sure it’s offered with a gift receipt.” Indeed, for pricier items, fortune doesn’t favour the brave and it is best to ask for some hints and direction. “It’s going to show your partner that you’re thinking about it and that you care,” says Noel Jones.
Best jewellery gifts at all prices
Top can’t-go-wrong gift
Best to avoid
Anything in the shape of a skull or a Disney character
Home accessories
As previously mentioned, anything to do with housework is a very bad idea but lovely items for the home are apparently OK.
Best home accessories at all prices
Top can’t-go-wrong gift
Best to avoid
Vacuum cleaners, irons and anything else you plug in
Books
The best book-lover gifts at all prices
Top can’t-go-wrong gift
Best to avoid
Political memoirs
Food and drink
The best food and drink gifts at all prices
Top can’t-go-wrong gift
Best to avoid
Anything from Aldi or Lidl
Experiences
“Vouchers for experiences are also a good option,” explains Jason Billings-Cray, a gift buyer at John Lewis. “For example if they love spa treatments or would love an ear piercing. Redeeming the voucher could end up becoming a full day out that you and your partner spend together, making it extra thoughtful.”
The best experience gifts at all prices
Top can’t-go-wrong gift
The Ivy restaurant gift voucher.
Best to avoid
High-octane racing days or any activity you will enjoy more than her.
