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The comical reality of riding a stubborn horse through Puerto Rico

For a first time rider, this was no picnic - Leveskocka
For a first time rider, this was no picnic - Leveskocka

"What does the name Truddon mean in Spanish?” I asked, inspecting my horse from a distance. Jumpy, came the reply. Fortunately for a first-time rider, Truddon was a disappointment: jumpy by name and not at all by nature. Snacking was his favourite pastime, one that landed us both at the rear of our pony excursion – led by a sexy white stallion with a fearsome temper and whip-cracking tail-swish – which meant we were frequently rounded up by our horse leader. 

“Wahoo!” he would shout encouragingly from behind. Truddon’s response: temporarily feign enthusiasm then expel gas, noisily. And so marked my introduction to the great tradition of equestrianism – “the sport of kings”. 

Robbie with Truddon the horse, who proved to be a headstrong companion
Robbie with Truddon the horse, who proved to be a headstrong companion

I was on Viking’s West Indies Explorer cruise, visiting nine Caribbean islands – from Tortola and Antigua to Barbados and St Lucia. Excursions were impressive: in Puerto Rico I could have taken a kayak tour to witness bioluminescence in a mangrove forest, nibbled my way around the colourful capital, San Juan, or indulged in a rum-packed mixology tour, but in the spirit of adventure I opted for horseback riding.

As we drove away from the port in San Juan, industry gradually gave way to lush vegetation – tumbling dome-shaped hills, fuzzy with shrubbery partially damaged by Hurricane Irma, and then, cruelly, Maria – before we found ourselves grinding into a cloud of dust at our destination, El Calabrani ranch in the foothills of El Yunque National Forest. 

El Yunque national forest - Credit: iStock
Puerto Rico's El Yunque National Forest seen from above Credit: iStock

Everything there seemed a little wilder. Thick-as-your-arm bamboo stalks and wind-warped palm trees formed a quivering tableau against an undulating, mountainous backdrop. The resident dogs panted too much, the horses’ manes were maniacally matted and the Puerto Rican tour leaders communicated in their own dialect of yelps and whistles. This – I realised, after having contractually signed my life away in exchange for a helmet and a hairnet – was not a typical equestrian environment. 

“You should just let the horse go, don’t hold back!” advised my guide, José. With a knowing wink, he lowered his voice, and continued: “Don’t try any of those John Wayne moves.” The joke was on me. Letting Truddon “go” was not likely to prove troublesome. He was the prototypical driverless car of the horseback world: unresponsive and leaky.

The Viking Sea ship sailing through the West Indies
During a West Indies trip on the Viking Sea, passengers could also try kayaking or mixology

Clip-clop, clip-schlop – Truddon had no qualms about emptying his bowels mid-ride. And while each fresh dispatch pushed the charm of “authentic” travel further from view, sheer hilarity brought my fellow riders closer. Americans love toilet humour and Caribbean cruises only marginally more than they love British accents. But, as a Brit, there were only so many times I could hear about their trip[s] to London – “Have you watched The Crown, by the way?” – before the urge to self-strangulate with one of the vines hanging overhead became insuppressible. With my hands bound by the reins, I gently kicked Truddon’s pot belly in the hope that he would canter me out of another conversation.

It’s an unproven but plausible fact that in the sun-drenched isles of the Caribbean archipelago a tourist exhales, “ah, paradise”, at least once a minute. Of course, the visual beauty was mostly confined to the corners of my eyes, which were nervily fixated on Truddon’s reins, ready to tug each time he spied a juicy bush beyond his blinkers. 

Antigua seen from above
Antigua is one of the stops onboard Viking's West Indies explorer voyage

After 40 minutes of unyielding compromise, Truddon and I both found relief in a waterside pit stop on a tributary of the Rio Grande. He filled his boots with crunchy shoots, while I slipped mine off, grabbed some fresh coconut water from Viking’s refreshment shack and paddled in the dappled shade. 

Eventually the journey continued. By this time, the man and horse relationship had soured. Sweating profusely, Truddon had redefined the meaning of “plod”. And my attention was diverted with thoughts of Viking Sea’s room service menu, from which I had already ordered my next meal: chicken breast with salsa verde and sliced tomatoes, to be eaten alfresco on my balcony. When we reached the ranch I swiftly traded Truddon for a cold beer. “Ah, paradise,” I whispered to myself prematurely, before an overly friendly hand and twanging voice assaulted me from behind. “Ya got monkey butt?” it shrieked, pointing at my sand-soiled trousers. 

A view of sunbeds looking out to sea onboard Viking Sea
Viking's Sea's luxurious interior offers respite after shore excursions

With British discretion I glugged my bottle two-handedly. Paradise, lost. 

A 10-night West Indies Explorer round trip from San Juan on Viking Sea costs from £2,840pp. Horse-riding in El Yunque National Forest costs an additional £84 (0800 298 9700; vikingcruises.co.uk).

Win a luxury holiday worth up to £80,000
Win a luxury holiday worth up to £80,000