Colbert on end of Covid emergency: ‘Shove that up your nose and rotate it five times’

Stephen Colbert

Joe Biden announced on Monday that he will end the twin national emergencies to address the Covid-19 pandemic in May, news which Stephen Colbert celebrated on Tuesday evening. “Take that, Covid! We beat you!” the Late Show host joked. “Shove that up your nose and rotate it five times.”

“This has been a long time coming, and I wish you could see the smiles on the faces of my audience,” he added. “And I wish I could too, because they’re still wearing masks.”

The end of the national emergency and public health emergency declarations will restructure the federal coronavirus response to treat the virus as an endemic threat to public health.

Related: Kimmel on Trump 2024: ‘Kind of sad – like when Michael Jordan went to play for the Wizards’

“So Covid is no longer an emergency, just a disease we’re all going to live with forever. Phew?” Colbert said.

The host then turned to his favorite target of late, the disgraced New York congressman George Santos amid endless new reports revealing the extent of his fictions. On Tuesday, Santos told reporters that he would step down from his roles on the committee on small business and the committee on science, space and technology. “Well that’s a shame, because they won’t benefit from his expertise,” Colbert joked. “I mean after all, Santos was the first dog in space.”

And Manhattan prosecutors have started presenting a case against Trump, and his use of campaign funds for a hush money deal with Stormy Daniels, to a grand jury. According to prosecutors, Trump wrote off the $130,000 paid to Daniels, a porn star he allegedly had sex with, as legal expenses, which in New York constitutes fraud. If indicted, he could face up to four years in prison. “I never thought I would say this about that man, but … four more years!” Colbert said.

Jimmy Kimmel

In Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel hyped up his interview with the MyPillow CEO and election conspiracist, Mike Lindell, whom he somehow convinced to do the interview from inside a claw machine. “I do want to make something clear: I did not insist that Mike Lindell be in a claw machine because he’s not vaccinated,” Kimmel explained. “I insisted he be in a claw machine because it’s hilarious.”

Kimmel then pivoted to Santos, who recused himself from his committee seats as the “ethics investigation into whether he has any” plays out, “which is good, because recusing himself will allow him to spend more time with his husband, Chris Hemsworth”.

In an interview with the far-right network One America News, Santos admitted that he wouldn’t have been elected to Congress if he hadn’t lied. “Seems like an easy fix! Just resign, don’t be a congressman. Next time around, tell the truth and run again. You don’t have to live with this!”

Seth Meyers

And on Late Night, Seth Meyers reacted to the upcoming end of the US federal emergency status for Covid, “which means that everyone can finally stop wearing their masks a year ago”.

The White House announced that the chief of staff, Ron Klain ,will step down in the coming weeks, with Biden adding that “the real mark of Ron’s success is that he’s beloved by the team he leads”.

“Though I’d say the real mark of Ron’s success is that this is the first we’re all hearing of him,” Meyers joked.

After vacationing in Orlando for six months, former Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro has reportedly applied for a six-month visitor visa in the US. “I’m sorry, you saw Orlando and wanted to stay longer?” Meyers wondered. “An IHop and an Applebees?! Call the consulate and tell them I’m not leaving.”

And Florida lawmakers proposed legislation that would allow residents to carry firearms without a permit. “I don’t know, I guess they figure it can’t be any more dangerous than letting 100-year-olds drive,” Meyers mused.