Codependency doesn't only happen in romantic relationships
It’s independence that artists like Kelly Clarkson, Destiny’s Child, and Ne-Yo waxed poetic about—not codependence.
While only two little letters separate the words phonetically, in practice the two concepts couldn’t be more different. So what is codependency? Considering the term is frequently used as a throw-away insult for duos glued-at-the-hip, that's a great question.
At its most distilled, codependence is independence opposite. It’s marked by a dynamic between lovers, friends, or family members, who are reliant on each other to an unhealthy degree, explains marriage and family therapist Omar Ruiz LMFT, owner of TalkThinkThrive, a counseling service in Boston.
Read that again: Codependence is actually not reserved exclusively for romantic relationships. Though, he notes, that symptoms of co-dependence are especially likely in households where one partner has addiction or substance abuse issues.
If you've long-worn your self-sufficiency as a badge of honor, you might be thinking, 'Couldn’t be me!' But there’s no immunisation vaccine against codependency. So, ya know, if it hasn’t happened already, it could—and without you realising it until you’re knee-deep in dysfunction. Sigh.
The good news: Once you identify you’re in a codependent relationship, you can either take steps to untangle yourself from the dynamic, or to rewire the relationship entirely. And if you’re not currently navigating codependency? Well, knowing the signs and symptoms of a codependent relationship can help you avoid one altogether—or identify it if or when the urge to merge has become too great.
Okay, so what does it mean to be codependent? (Asking for a friend or future self!). And how the hell do you turn that codependent relationship into an interdependent one? Or reclaim your independence in the aftermath? Below, all the answers to your questions about codependency, plus 12 tips for recovering from codependency.
Wait, what does it mean to be codependent?
Consult the dictionary about codependency, and you'll find it's is a relationship marked by a person with low self-esteem desiring (er, needing) approval from another, who is often controlling or manipulative.
But according to experts, it’s less intentionally sinister than that definition makes it sound. It’s simply a dysfunctional relationship where two people cannot function without one another, explains licensed psychologist and sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PhD, expert with K-Y. The keyword here is 'dysfunctional.'
Within these dynamics there’s often one partner who literally can’t 'life' without the help of the other, she explains, who is known as the taker. 'And there's another partner who sacrifices their own needs for the sake of the taker,' she explains, who is often known as the giver or caretaker.
To be clear: This dynamic goes far beyond one person allowing another to do an act of service (fold laundry, meal prep, etc) for them, and another person offering to take on tasks to make their loved one’s lives easier. Instead, codependent relationships look like one person feeling like they need to, for example, cook for their partner, while the other person needs to be cooked for, explains Ruiz.
'In codependent relationships, it’s common for one person to feel that they always have to attend to the needs of another as they worry that the person will leave them because they may not be doing enough for them,' he explains. And if they can’t? Sadness ensues.
Other common signs and symptoms of being codependent, according to Ruiz, include:
Feeling confused, lost, or disoriented when the other person is not around
Prioritising your partner’s well-being over your own
Ignoring or silencing your gut instinct
Being afraid or unable to set boundaries
While it's healthy to have someone you can depend on or be that source of comfort for, if you have a hard time functioning without this other person, the nature of your relationship is worth looking into.
Long-term, codependent relationships can deteriorate your sense of identity and self. That means that you'll have a harder time identifying your own needs beyond the context of this other person. And should they leave or if you're forced to be apart, you'll both likely struggle and feel like you're unable to create meaningful bonds with other people outside of your relationship.
How do I stop being codependent?
Recognise yourself in the above description? First things first: Kudos to you for being brave enough to want to change! The desire to become less codependent is no small potatoes.
1. Work with a mental health professional.
Codependency doesn’t just appear *poof* out of nowhere.
'Typically, early trauma leads to these behaviors,' says Chavez. For instance, unresolved abandonment issues, deep-rooted beliefs about what family systems should look like, or unhealed attachment wounds with an early caregiver, she says.
'Addressing the roots of where codependency stems is essential for moving through it,' she says. She recommends working with a healthcare provider who specializes in codependency.
2. Identify the issue.
Your therapist will help you with this, of course. But Ruiz recommends getting really specific around where and how codependency shows up in your relationship.
Once you identify that you are codependent with someone, he suggests noting what the issues are within that relationship. Plus, asking yourself questions like:
Where does codependency show up most glaringly?
How does the codependent nature of our relationship make me feel?
Can I pinpoint when this codependency started? How? Why?
The answers to these questions, he says, can help you better understand what you need to do to limit that dependency.
3. Bolster your support network.
No doubt, personalised therapy has its uses. 'But there are also therapy groups and 12-step programs that address core issues and start healing unconscious wounds from the past,' says Chavez. Utilizing support systems like this will help you create a new network of healthy dependency on others and accountability towards self-awareness and care, she says.
Accessing these types of groups and programs is easier than ever before—most of them exist exclusively online or have online branches.
4. Read up on codependency.
Admit it: If you want to learn more about anything, there’s nobody better to learn from the expert. Well, on the topic of codependency, the experts' names are Pia Mellody and Melody Beattie.
Mellody, a world-renowned therapist who specialties in codependency, boundaries, and recovery, penned what Chavez calls a 'must-read:' Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Come From, How It Sabotages Our Lives. And Beattie, a self-help guru, is the author of Codependent No More; How To Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself, which has been bought over one million times.
5. Become a student.
If reading is your preferred method of knowledge-intake Chavez says reading up on addiction, abuse, attachment theory, and parental caretaking. 'Learning more about these topics may help you address the origins of your behaviours, beliefs, and patterns that formed into working models of codependency in relationships,' she says.
6. Ask yourself, 'What do I want?'
It’s okay if you don’t know the answer to that question right now. That’s incredibly common for folks recovering from codependency, according to licensed professional counselor Rebecca Phillips, a licensed professional counselor with Mend Modern Therapy. 'Many individuals in codependent relationships lose their sense of self because their identity can become wrapped up in their dysfunctional relationship dynamic,' she says.
And that’s exactly why re-learning what it is that you want is so important. 'Reflecting on who you are as an individual person outside of your relationships can help you get the clarity you need to regain your sense of self,' she says.
Conversation with friends, nature walks, and reflection can all help you begin to find that.
7. Practice setting boundaries.
Once you begin to learn what you want, say no to anything outside of that.
'When partners are overly dependent on one another, they often have difficulty setting or keeping healthy boundaries,' says Phillips. 'Without boundaries, they’re unable to fully express themselves and assert their individual needs.' Re-establishing boundaries, she says, is one way to re-assert your individual needs!
Some lines you might try:
'I’d love to hang out, but can I propose an alternative activity?'
'I don’t have the energy to hang out tonight. But please invite me next time.'
'I need a night to myself tonight. But what are you doing tomorrow?'
8. Grab a pen.
Surprise, surprise, journaling is part of the process. Not sure what to write, exactly? Chavez recommends starting with an affirmation.
'Affirmations can be a turn-off for many but it helps program our thinking and automatic thoughts with statements our body can respond to in a positive way,' she says. Writing something down like 'I am worthy of care and love' and 'My needs are worthy of my time and energy' can help you begin to believe that those things are true.
9. Focus on the positive.
When you’re working on yourself, it can be easy to feel discouraged by how far you have left to go. That’s why Chavez recommends spending some time shining a light on the positive. 'Journal one way you took care of yourself daily for a week,' she says. 'Or, verbally share something you overcame in the week such as a fear, challenge, or goal.'
10. Do things that make you feel good about yourself.
'In codependent relationships, it's common for both people involved to struggle with low self-esteem,' says Phillips. This low self-esteem just manifests differently.
For one person, it manifests as a need to take care of someone else in order to feel worthy, while for the other person it manifests as under-functioning, she explains. 'Paradoxically, both partners’ low-self esteem is only reinforced by their dysfunctional codependent behaviour.' Not great!
Good news: For both people, re-prioritising things that make you feel like the best version of yourself can be world-changing, Phillips says. So, whether that means washing your hair or meditating, going for a run, or photos of yourself when you're feeling especially beautiful, or something else entirely, have at it.
11. Be thoughtful with about the media you consume.
Spoiler alert: TV and social media don't show the full picture. 'Seeing relationships through social media images, television shows, movies and those that exist within your community of friends and family may skew what a true healthy relationship is,' says Ruiz.
'If all you see is these extreme sides of relationships (always happy or always arguing), then it is difficult when someone is faced with situations that require a more neutral response, such as talking through conflict,' he says.
Your move: Name when relationships popping up on your screens are not real—or only partially shown. For instance, after watching a romantic drama, you might say out loud: those characters have a loving dynamic. But, I’m only seeing part of it.
Or, after eyeing the #relationshipgoals pic your high school frenemy posted with their boo and babies, you might remind yourself: I’m only seeing the parts of their relationship that they want me to see.
12. Reflect on your other relationships.
Odds are you’re reading this with one specific relationship in mind. But take some time to reflect on the other relationships in your life, too, suggest Phillips. 'Many friendships are codependents,' she says.
So take inventory of your other friendships and see if you can identify any patterns where one friend is always giving and one friend is always taking. Or, if the dynamics otherwise feel unbalanced.
Then, implement what you’ve learned through recovery and apply it to as many relationships in your life as you need to for a sense of balance and calm.
More resources for navigating healthy relationships...
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