Celebrity Big Brother 2018: launch show - Kirstie Ally joins kidnapped model Chloe Ayling but no sign of Stormy Daniels

It was a bit of a bru-ha-ha in a TV tea cup on the opening night of Celebrity Big Brother, with lots of z-listers clanking down the tunnel into the Channel 5 portacabin of doom – but no sighting of rumoured contestant Stormy Daniels. 

Reports that Channel 5 had smashed the piggy bank to woo the adult entertainment star, currently locked in a high-profile legal dispute with US President Donald Trump, were revealed to be the reality television equivalent of fake news. 

After the broadcast, movie gossip site Deadline Hollywood claimed Daniels had flown to the UK but had declined to enter the house after talks over her fee broke down. 

However, there was speculation on social media that she will make her appearance later in the competition, receiving a reduced payment of $250,000 rather than the $1 million her representatives are said to have initially requested. 

It was also a case of “Nil Brother” for Samantha Markle, half-sister of the Duchess of Sussex. 

Again, the internet had lit up earlier in the week with murmurings that she would be in the house and, again, she obviously had better things to do than spend a month rowing with TOWIE cast-offs over whose turn it was to make the tea. 

Instead, the line-up was as screamingly ho-hum as ever. Cheers actress Kirstie Alley was the best known entrant by a very considerable distance. 

Joining her were – deep but weary breath – rogue trader Nick Leeson, “Bad Girls Club” reality star Natalie Nunn, psychic to the stars Sally Morgan, former Emmerdale actress Roxanne Pallett, Married at First Sight (and now very single) contestant Ben Jardine, comedian and presenter (and recreational kilt-wearer) Hardeep Singh Kohli, Love Island graduate / escapee Gabby Allen, The Only Way Is Essex’s Dan Osborne, “Human Ken Doll” Rodrigo Alves, model and kidnap victim (yes, I’ve just written that down) Chloe Ayling, footballer Jermaine Pennant and (nearly there) ex-Coronation Street actor Ryan Thomas. 

Still, it was the absence of Daniels that stood out. Celebrity Big Brother didn’t help itself by burdening this series with the theme “Eye of the Storm” or by naming Alley “President” of the house.

It was almost as if Channel 5 had someone else lined-up for the job and was forced to reconfigure at the last minute. Here are the other talking points. 

Even without Daniels there’s one actual celebrity in the house  

CBB has historically stretched the definition of "celebrity" to snapping point. But the first guest unveiled tonight was, if no longer quite a-list, then still a few rungs above “internet famous”. It was Cheers star Kirstie Alley (sorry you knew that already).

Presumably because she didn’t know /care what she’d signed up for, Alley was ferociously chipper in her natterings with presenter Emma Willis. The “media storm” she had gone through, though? A hoo-hah about her putting on weight after Cheers. 

Which, if obviously gruelling for her, pales against… becoming involved in a public legal battle with a sitting American President (to pick a random example). 

"I enjoy staying in my pyjamas all day," said Alley springing up the steps to the house. Many the veteran CBB watcher will have empathised.  

Celebrity Big Brother contestants now speak fluent Celebrity Big Brother 

"I just want people to see the real me," said "bad boy” footballer Jermaine Pennant. "Don't judge a book by its cover," he added. In his case, the cover included multiple drink-driving offences that landed him in prison and saw him play a Premier League match wearing an electronic tag. 

Ryan Thomas, meanwhile, “couldn’t believe” he was on the show and Hardeep Singh Kohli was looking forward to participating in a “social experiment”. 

Disappointingly, there was a reversal of a recent trend by which at least one contestant blurts out that yes, they’re here strictly for the big bag o’ lolly at the end. 

Is Human Ken Doll Rodrigo Alves the shiniest CBB contestant yet? 

With enough facial nips and tucks to give peak Michael Jackson the willies, the surgically-altered flight attendant looked like a villain from an Eighties horror movie that had burnt through its budget in its first week 

His personality, thankfully, seemed far less plastic than his chin and, unlike the other contestants, he was clearly there for the fame rather than the cold hard cash.

"Rodrigo has four ribs removed and carries them around in a jar," said Emma Willis, which also sounded like something from an Eighties horror movie that had burnt through its budget in its first week . 

A month cooped up with Kirstie Alley and Barbie’s pretend boyfriend probably won't faze Chloe Ayling

The London-based model was brutally kidnapped while working in Italy. Knocked unconscious and locked in a car boot before being dramatically rescued, she will no doubt bring some healthy perspective to a show in which famous (ish) people get paid to bicker over sleeping arrangements in a plastic shed. 

'Themed' Celebrity Big Brother Seasons are unfortunately now a thing

In January, it was a celebration of Girl Power and the centenary of women’s suffrage (with noted feminist Dapper Laughs among the house-mates). Now came a season titled "Eye of the Storm", featuring contestants who have been in bang in the middle of a media tornado. 

"These notorious VIPs have faced prison, bankruptcy and even an international manhunt," explained Willis, who had worn her hair in Jedward fright wig especially for the occasion (maybe she’d just heard Stormy Daniels wasn’t coming on).

Does Channel 5 know what a “media storm” even means? 

Some of the contestants  – Ayling and Pennant were the most clear-cut examples –  could justifiably claim to have been all over the headlines. 

But not every controversy was quite as red hot as CBB's billing. "Nasty Girl" Natalie Nunn was once in a Twitter beef with rapper Whiz Khalifa; Osborne and Allen had been accused by the tabloids of illicit antics. Unpleasant for them – the tabloid accusations, not the alleged antics – but hardly a gale-force news event. 

They've redesigned the house

"You will see and smell everything from here," said Emma Willis, peeping through the skimpy divider between loo and the bedrooms. "There's a massive wet-room," she added ominously. 

Later, she divulged that the theme was "Hollywood Cool". “Trump Tower on acid” was probably nearer. It was as if the red carpet had been rolled out for a guest who had declined to appear. As a former acquaintance of Stormy Daniels might say: "Saaad".