Like Bridget Jones, I dated a man 30 years younger than me
It was a Friday evening and I was waiting for my date in a restaurant in central London. It wasn’t the kind of place I would usually go… for a start, it was in Mayfair and it was full of people who looked as if they had a tremendous amount of money.
This wasn’t our first date, and I was surprised that he’d chosen to take me somewhere so eye-wateringly expensive. Part of me felt a bit insecure. I was convinced I wasn’t wearing the right clothes. Everyone over 50 seemed to be wearing suits and soignée dresses; I was 55 (I’m now 58) and wearing a leather minidress, high black boots and a faux-fur jacket.
But that wasn’t the only problem. The main issue was that the man I was dating was more than 25 years younger than me – and I was really worried that people would notice the age difference. Why wouldn’t they? It was pretty unavoidable.
But then 29-year-old Darius showed up. He walked through the door with his usual playful swagger. He looked amazing. He was wearing a sharply tailored suit, a long wool coat and a jaunty, stylish hat. He was also carrying a huge bunch of flowers and he had a smile that went from ear to ear. As soon as I saw him, I knew we would be okay.
He sat down, held my hand and immediately started making me laugh. We had a great night; after dinner we went dancing, then we ran back to his flat and had absolutely fantastic sex. All sorts of fears about what other people thought of me or him went out of the window – along with my inhibitions.
The first time we met
I had honestly never met a man as infectiously joyous as Darius. It’s what attracted me to him in the first place. I was standing at a bar in a pub in west London, buying two pots of nuts. The bartender told me it was £10. ‘Ten pounds?’ I squeaked. ‘For two measly pots of nuts?’
Suddenly, a voice next to me said: ‘I’ll buy those for you. Let me give you a treat.’
I turned around and there he was, this handsome, stylish, funny, clever, much-younger-than-me man. We got chatting, he asked me for my number… and part of me thought: ‘Well, why not?’
I didn’t think I’d hear from him, but later he texted me to ask if I got home safely. The next morning, he texted: ‘I hope you have a beautiful day,’ and it went on from there. A week after we met, we were walking in the park holding hands and kissing.
This all seems particularly pertinent now as the new Bridget Jones movie is coming out, in which a widowed Bridget (Renée Zellweger) dates a considerably younger man (played by One Day and The White Lotus star Leo Woodall). While it’s long been socially acceptable for men to date much younger women, society has always blanched a bit when it happens the other way round. A lot of people find it very difficult to think that a man in his late 20s might want to actually be physically involved with a woman in her 50s.
Yet it’s women of my generation who are leaving our marriages in droves. Statistics show that women are more likely than men to file for divorce, with 63.1% of divorce applications in recent years being initiated by women. Men tend to leave when they have another woman to go to. Women leave because they’ve just had enough of being married and they see a dismal future of pipes and slippers and endless rewatching of Inspector Morse.
That’s not what we want – or what Bridget Jones, who looks as if she’s about to enjoy a very sexy, fun time with a man more than 20 years her junior, wants. Dating apps show that the number of women dating much younger men is on the rise, and platforms such as Tinder and Bumble show significant engagement from older women who are seeking younger partners.
Celebrities are getting in on the act, too. Sienna Miller is 14 years older than her partner, Oli Green. Demi Moore married Ashton Kutcher, who’s 16 years her junior (the couple have since divorced). Olivia Wilde’s relationship with Harry Styles, who’s 10 years younger than her, hit the headlines. Priyanka Chopra is 10 years older than her husband, Nick Jonas. Heidi Klum is 16 years older than her husband, Tom Kaulitz. Cruz Beckham, 19, is also on trend by dating Brazilian singer-songwriter Jackie Apostel, who’s 29.
However, it’s not something I expected to be doing myself. My marriage broke down in 2020 and it was a very painful experience. I just assumed that would be it for me. When I did get asked out, it was by men in their 60s and 70s. They’d say things like, ‘I like to go for a walk and cuddle up in front of a fire’ – and that was precisely not what I wanted to do.
My life changed
Then I started going to live music, singing in a band and staying the night at various friends’ houses in London – and something very strange happened. I began to turn back into the me I was in my 20s, living as a single woman in London and having a fabulous time. I lost weight (without trying), had my hair cut and started wearing funky clothes. I wasn’t trying to look ‘young’; it was more that I was beginning to feel a vibrancy in my soul, body and spirit that I hadn’t had for a very long time (that’s what marriage and four children does to you).
So, in many ways, meeting Darius was the icing on the cake. We went walking through London parks late at night. We went to clubs, parties and dinners. We swam in rivers on summer nights. We went dancing. There was also something amazing – which I think is the case of men of his generation – in how he was just so open and generous in every single way. He held my hand. He stroked my hair. He complimented me endlessly. I genuinely think he thought I was the most amazing thing ever.
However, even though I felt young when I was with him, the age gap would sometimes bite. I recall catching sight of us in a mirror at a restaurant. There he was, young and wrinkle-free, and there I was, looking every one of my 55 years. Once, he was stroking my hair and I hadn’t had my roots done; I was paranoid that he would see how grey I was beneath the dye.
Darius didn’t seem to mind that I was menopausal, greying and sagging. But I did. I started avoiding mirrors. I didn’t really want to go out in public, because I started noticing people staring at us. Even worse, I was lying to everybody. I just couldn’t tell my kids, or many of my friends, that I was dating a man some three decades my junior.
A cultural mismatch
Darius, on the other hand, was happy to introduce me to his friends – but I didn’t really want that. We’d gone on one night out with them, but being surrounded by 25- to 28-year-olds isn’t fun when you’re in your mid-50s. I just felt old. I didn’t understand their cultural references, nor they mine. There were so many things he didn’t really know; I don’t think he was even alive when Princess Diana died. Bands he liked, I’d never heard of. He wasn’t that interested in reading, whereas I devour books. Our intellectual compatibility wasn’t brilliant.
We saw each other for about two years, but we knew it would end at some point. I found that I didn’t want to keep lying – and that I wanted a relationship with someone who could be by my side, who I could introduce to my children, who could come to family parties and Christmas dinners and meet my friends. Darius felt like a dirty little secret. I began to miss being with people my own age.
It was me who called time the relationship in the end. Although I’d had the most amazing time with Darius, I couldn’t see a future for us. I knew deep down that we weren’t a match, and that Darius needed to go and find someone he could have children with.
He did, however, teach me a lot. He helped me heal. He showed me that love is warm, generous, fun and honest. Darius made me love my body in a way that I probably never have done before – mainly because he took such pleasure in it. When I think of him, all I do is smile.
5 things I learned from dating a younger man
1 Feeling young and vibrant is a state of mind and it’s a good place to be – otherwise our age can impact us in an unhelpful and negative way.
2 The key elements to good relationships are respect, consistency and consideration, all of which, in my experience, young men seem to have in abundance.
3 I learned how to let someone love me in a very uncomplicated way – he just wanted to make me happy.
4 Younger people have often accrued less emotional baggage, so being with them can feel less complicated.
5 Pretty much anything can be fun if you have a positive attitude – from a walk to food to hanging out.
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