'After a big break-up, I ruminated incessantly on what went wrong. This is what helped me get free'
Content note: mention of suicidal ideation
No one expects their five year relationship to end with two blue ticks.
When my ex-boyfriend slow-faded me last December, letting our relationship fizzle into oblivion with no goodbye, closure or explanation, it almost destroyed me. In fact, I have since learnt from my closest friends that at times they feared that I would take my own life.
But, while 2024 started off in the worst way, almost a year on, things have taken a sharp turn for the better.
The past six months have been filled with adventure, I’ve shared amazing memories with friends, and most valuably, I have developed a better relationship with myself. At the root of this welcome U-turn is self-development work introduced to me by Sally Baker, a trauma therapist who specialises in Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), also known as tapping; hypnosis and Brain Working Recursive Therapy (BWRT). She also uses Orpheus Mind Technology to change the way you think and feel about yourself.
I first crossed paths with Sally back in February, when I interviewed her for a feature about International Women’s Day. She was one of eight inspiring women I profiled who had used their trauma as a springboard to help others. At the time, I was at the peak of my breakup misery, getting my head around a new diagnosis of Complex PTSD, plus battling severe anxiety, depression and low confidence.
When Sally told me that she could ‘sort me out in six sessions’ using some of her methods I didn’t believe her – I was far too miserable. But, come June, after a panic attack triggered another wave of suicidal ideations, I decided to take her up on her offer and see if her techniques could help unravel and quieten what months’ worth of weekly talking therapy hadn’t been able to.
If you are suffering with suicidal ideation, know that help is available. The NHS has a list of resources, here
At the time I was constantly ping-ponging between thinking about the brutal way my relationship had ended and feeling terrified about what my life was going to look like without my ex and his son in it.
The upsetting thoughts were constant, from the moment I woke up to when I went to sleep, and even my dreams were haunted by them. I had finally reached the point where I didn’t want to live like that anymore.
It turned out that I had become somewhat addicted to ruminating about the trauma he had caused me. This, Sally advised, is common when you’ve been ghosted, or a relationship has come to an unexpected or abrupt end.
It wasn’t until the halfway point of our six 90-minute sessions – which used Sally's whole arsenal of thought disrupting and self-esteem boosting methods – that I finally felt the smog of misery begin to lift. My friends started commenting that I seemed happier than I had in years. I genuinely felt it, too. I started socialising and laughing again, and feeling excited about where my life might lead me.
Today, four months after I stopped working with Sally, I rarely think about my ex-boyfriend and how he behaved towards me in the final months of our relationship. The way things ended no longer causes me to burst into tears, and my previous fears about how I would ever live without him have totally disappeared.
Below, Sally explains why so many people get stuck in a negative feedback loop about their failed relationships, and most importantly, the steps that can be taken to firmly leave their heartbreak in the past.
Rumination and catastrophising are two examples of 'unhelpful thinking'. At their extremes, you might find that an hour, two hours, a whole evening, has passed while you’ve been ruminating about the past, doing a post mortem of things which have happened, trying to unpick or make sense of them; or you might have lost that time to catastrophic thinking, where you're just terrifying yourself about how the future's going to look.
Both of these can be categorised as 'black and white thinking', where you're making statements all the time and not allowing any kind of shades of grey. Rumination is always about the past, and catastrophic thinking is always about the future. Whatever end of the spectrum you’re currently stuck at, it’s avoidance of the current moment, and stops you from living in the now.
The longer you stay trapped in rumination or catastrophic thinking, the longer you'll be in pain, emotional pain.
What is rumination?
Rumination stems from looking for a why, such as 'why did this happen?'; 'how did this come about?' or 'how did I end up in this situation?' People are often obsessed with finding out the why, but often there isn't one, so you have to let go of needing to know the answer, and just compassionately accept the situation as it is. This is especially true when it comes to relationships.
The Getting of Resilience from the Inside Out
We often don't have the partner or the other person in the room so we can surmise, we can guess, we can take leaps of faith, but we're never going to know what their actual reasoning for their actions was.
After a breakup, you’re going through grief, a form of heartbreak, and rumination is a natural part of that. People do become very ill from heartache and heartbreak, and there are physical and physiological symptoms that come with it.
Ultimately, like all layers of grief, you can move through rumination. Sometimes, though, people need professional help. It can be really good to have the help someone else who isn't attached to the outcomes, who isn't going to judge you. You need someone who's just going to see you objectively and be a complete ally of yours, stand with you in your corner, supporting you, not judging you, and seeing you as the wonderful, courageous person that you are.
What is catastrophic thinking?
Whenever people who are in difficult, challenging situations, think about the future, they never go, 'It's going to be amazing. It's going to get better and better and better'. Thoughts always go towards the catastrophic.
Think of these thoughts as a seed in your hand. The more you pay attention to it, the more it grows. Eventually, it's like you're growing a vine that eventually fills the room from floor to ceiling, wall to wall and completely overwhelms you.
You need to learn to identify and interrupt those unhelpful thinking styles.
Some of the ways I tell my clients to interrupt such thoughts include making a noise whenever one of them enters your head (you can do this internally, if you’re not alone) and trying an energy therapy approach called a ‘cross crawl’. Here, as you walk, you tap your right hand on your left knee and then your left hand on your right knee, and just go round the room; run up a flight of stairs; or open a window and take three easy in and out breaths.
Why do people get stuck in catastrophic thinking or rumination?
We retreat into rumination or catastrophic thinking because we find the idea being present in the moment really difficult. They’re forms of avoidance techniques, akin to doom-scrolling, compulsive shopping or compulsive sex. They are distractions from what you would have to look at if you stopped long enough, paused and took a breath, and asked yourself what it is you have to address. And often, it's the pain of loneliness or a broken heart.
For mental health reasons, it's better to lean in. Everyone is terrified of uncomfortable feelings, but if you were to explore those feelings you'd find out they're not as scary as you think they are, and you take all their power from them.
By acknowledging, 'I've been really hurt. Now I need to be gentle and compassionate with myself. I need good nutrition. I need to be sleeping at night. I need to maybe cut down on booze and other things that interrupt REM sleep. I need to treat myself like a ninja warrior in recovery and do the very best I can for me'. That's the beginnings of self-love and self-care.
Remember: Thoughts are not facts
We make our thoughts the most important things in our lives... when they're just thoughts. They don't have any more power, or anything more to offer us than we give them the power to.
You can say, 'I'm having that thought again, but it's not helpful for me, and I'm going to do something different'. One of the best things that you can do is go for walks, it's meditation in motion. When we walk, lots of good things happen to us, even in digestion, our second brain is in our guts and our stomach. So we walk, we have insights. Things pop into our heads, and you can clear a lot of stuff.
Sally Baker is an award-winning senior therapist and author, specialising in challenging relationship and complex trauma issues. Based in SE London, she sees clients face to face and the world over via Zoom. Book a free 30 minute discovery call via her site.
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