I became friends with the man who tried to scam me

Michelle Brasier is a comedian and actress. She lives with her partner Tim Lancaster, also an actor, in Melbourne, Australia. During lockdown, Michelle fell for a Facebook scam but in an act of radical empathy, went on to befriend the conman. Here she shares her story…

Looking back, like most people, I went a little bit mad during lockdown. In Melbourne we had almost a year of being stuck in our houses and I spent most of my time eating bread, going for long walks and watching Buffy in the bath.

But it was also a time where I made my mind up to get really toned and fit. I’d always loved doing Pilates and thought that if I bought a Pilates Reformer – a machine with weights and pulleys that helps you do Pilates. I’d surely end up with the abs of Jennifer Lopez. I started looking online to buy one – and this was my first mistake.

Of course, I knew about online scammers and I was wary of falling for one. In fact, I remember scrolling through websites and social media for a Reformer thinking: 'No, that’s a scam!' and moving on to more legitimate-looking websites.

But then I noticed a man in Adelaide called Jacob who was selling a reformer for $500 (£260) on Facebook marketplace. Looking back, the first red flag should have been that this price was too low – they are usually over $1000 (£520) – but I figured that maybe a gym was closing down and the owners needed to get rid of the equipment.

Red flags

To be safe, I checked out Jacob’s profile and nothing was 'dodgy'. He’d been on Facebook for 10 years, he’d tagged friends in photographs and even listed his workplace and football club. If he was a scammer, he wasn’t a very good one.

I dropped him a message to ask if he had any machines left and he said yes, he had two. We had a brief chat and everything seemed genuine. I agreed to buy it and he gave me his bank details. We were with the same bank so again I thought it will be so easy to find him if he scams me. Worth the gamble.

I transferred the $500 and Jacob said that he’d organise a courier to bring the reformer over from Adelaide to Melbourne and it would take a few days. I didn’t have any worries. If he took my money, I was confident I’d get it back because I knew how to find him. Besides, I could play detective and it would be nice to have a new puzzle to solve in this rather boring lockdown.

But about a week later, I’d heard nothing but excuses and so I started talking refunds. Jacob made some excuse about the fact that the courier had cancelled so I, being a budding young detective, asked for a screenshot as proof. But he couldn’t provide one for some reason by which point I probably should have run, not walked, to the police station.

Unmasking a conman

I finally demanded he refund me, threatening to go to the police and he blocked me. So now I knew for sure, I had been the victim of a conman.

So many people are ashamed of being scammed and I felt like an idiot too. But rather than be embarrassed, anger set in. I thought: 'Okay, let’s go – the game is on, you little rat.'

Messaging one of his friends on his profile picture I wrote: 'Your friend Jacob has scammed me and he has three minutes to call me or I’m calling the police.' My phone rang almost immediately. It was Jacob: "I'm so sorry, I was banned from Facebook because someone reported me for scamming them and I couldn’t contact you."

It was the first time I realised that Jacob had probably scammed lots of people. I wasn’t his only victim. He apologised and said he’d get the money to me – just not yet – because he didn’t have it. At that point I really don’t know what it was that made me feel sorry for him but I suspected he was having problems. Yes, of course he was scamming me and stealing my money but I also felt that something else was going on too – that he was in trouble.

I decided to do a deal – if he gave me a copy of his ID, so I knew exactly who he was and where he was – I would give him more time to pay me back before I called the police.

"How do I know I can trust you with my ID lol?" he asked. The irony that my scammer was suddenly suspicious of me stealing his identity is not lost on me. I told him to Google me. I’m pretty well known in Australia so figured that he might know me from TV. And then it was him who didn’t believe me.

A second chance

We Facetimed each other so I could prove I really was myself. "Oh my god, Aunty Donna! [the comedy sketch group I often work with on TV] I’m a huge fan!" he said, clearly excited. Grand. Sure. Normal. We agreed that he would send me his ID and I gave him another two weeks to pay up – or else.

But of course, two weeks passed by and there was no sign of my $500.

I rang him again and he broke down in tears, apologising and saying he was in trouble. From what he told me, I thought that he was from an affluent background but had addiction issues and had needed money fast. Having never been in that kind of trouble, my better nature said that I needed to give him more time. I was worried about his mental health being a threat to his safety and besides, I could live without that $500 for now.

At this point I know that people will ask how I could be so gullible and naïve but I’d rather be a fool than a cynic. And I really don’t know why I kept giving him chances, his excuses were ridiculous and funny but also sad. A large part of me wanted him to realise his mistake, correct it and become a better version of himself.

Supporting a stranger

I started talking about what had happened to me on a friend’s podcast and it was through this that I discovered that Jacob had a lot more victims – mostly women. Everyone, including my family and partner, was telling me to stop counselling this man but I couldn’t help myself.

I am fascinated by the idea that women have this societal expectation that we should nurture. A caring instinct where we’re often looking out for the best in people and want them to do well. I don’t know that a man would have been so patient. But this was a man in the grip of addiction whose family and friends had long walked away. He needed someone to look out for him. And sometimes the best person you can share your shame with, is a stranger.

My conversations with Jacob went on every couple of weeks for about a year – me asking for the money, him coming up with excuses until one day, out of the blue, he suddenly told me that he could pay me back. I won’t let you know if I got the money back as it’s a spoiler for a big twist in the show but I will tell you I am happy with the ending.

Changing his life

But even now, four years on, I’ve spoken to Jacob a few times. He tells me he’s been in Alcoholics Anonymous and that I’ve helped to change his life. That he has studied to be a counsellor to help people like himself. I have no idea if any of that is true but I choose to believe him. I’m under no illusions that he’s a good guy. He’s a predator. But he might also be reformed. And I want to believe in a world where that is possible.

Has this experience made me less trusting or changed me as a person? I don’t think it has. I’ve always assumed the best of people. I don’t understand why, as a society, we became the kind of people who would turn their back on a child when it is crying or a dog who needs some water. Just because it’s not your child, or your dog doesn’t make it any less your responsibility. We owe each other more.

I feel happiest when I’m having small interactions with people I pass in everyday life. The man who says "Happy Tuesday" to me when I’m walking on my local trail. The elderly man on the tricycle who stops to chat about my dog. These tiny connections are so important.

But of course I know that Jacob is not the hero in all this. It’s really important for me to highlight that being scammed is horribly painful and we all need to be careful. I am aware there are bigger, nastier, crueler scams that ruin people’s lives. It can happen to anyone, but we don’t need to be ashamed.

I suppose I have learned from it. I know more about addiction than I ever did before and I even feel honoured that he chose to share his troubles with me. I’ll never buy anything online again. But maybe the real Facebook marketplace is the friends we make along the way.

Michelle’s play REFORM until 6 June 2024 and finishes at Clapham Grand, London. If you've been affected by alcohol addiction issues, visit Alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk.