How to beat the movie boasters

Hello team. I’m afraid I’ve got bad news. It’s still January. A trying month for various reasons: no wine, fewer calories, the relentlessness of winter after the fun bit – Christmas – is over. And also, I think, because of the films. All the films that are suddenly released ahead of awards season and the tiresome effect this has on people. Suddenly, we become a nation of Mark Kermodes.

“Have you seen such-and-such?” your colleague will ask.

You shake your head, slightly ashamed, because you watched back-to-back episodes of Cake Boss last night.

“Oh it’s so brilliant,” goes on the colleague. “I thought Christopher Plummer was superb. Did you know that he only filmed for 10 days after Sony kicked Spacey out of it? Ridley’s so talented. And have you seen Darkest Hour?”

You shake your head again. You’re busy thinking. Christopher Plummer was the one in The Sound of Music, right? How is he still alive?

“Oh you must! It’s even better,” continues the colleague. “Gary Oldman’s going to get the Oscar. He’s sensational.”

You never liked that colleague. And their transformation into François Truffaut is all the more surprising because you know The Hangover is their favourite film on Facebook.

Others spout on about the cinematography. “Such incredible cinematography!” they will say. Cinematography! You’re not even sure they could spell it.

I’ve got nothing against the cinema. I love it. The first film I remember seeing was Jurassic Park when I was eight, watching that angry T-Rex stomp his way across the screen through my clammy little fingers. It was electrifying and I’ve remained a big fan ever since. Nor have I got anything against Mark Kermode and his raffish hair.

My issue is that, at this time of year, cinema-going becomes a competitive sport and everyone gets deeply pretentious and shows off about it. They use words like leitmotif and episodic because they’ve seen a flick and spent 20 minutes Googling it on the way home to see what the critics thought. All that lording it over someone because you’ve spent £14.50 for a cinema ticket and another tenner on starchy snacks. You’ve gone to the cinema, my friend! You haven’t scaled the Matterhorn!

I haven’t seen a single award-nominated film this year and I’m not saying this in a huffy, defensive manner. I’ve just been a bit busy. I will try to go to see the one about Winston Churchill and that other one with the complicated title – something about billboards? – but please don’t make me feel like a lesser human being because I haven’t been to the Odeon that smells of frankfurters quite yet.

Oscar nominations are announced on Tuesday, so expect peak Kermode behaviour then. But the chattering will continue for a few weeks yet so I’ve come up with a few tips for surviving it.

1. Make up a film and talk loudly about that instead. “Have you seen Badgers In The Fog?” you can say to your irritating colleague. “Oh you haven’t. How embarrassing. You really should. It’s terrific. A story about one woman’s race to save the badgers from extermination in Somerset and her fight against Defra. Bit of a sad ending but, still, it’s jolly good. Wonderfully shot. Extraordinary use of lighting.”

2. Say you hate the cinema and prefer television instead because it’s so much better these days, and also you can get up and wee more easily while watching television at home. Talk about how brilliant Sarah Lancashire is in Channel 4’s Kiri (this is true. Why is she not Dame Sarah yet?).

3. Follow the example of Uncle Matthew in The Pursuit of Love, who says: “I have only read one book in my life, and that is White Fang. It’s so frightfully good I’ve never bothered to read another.” Just adapt it for your favourite film. In my case, it would be Sense and Sensibility or International Velvet. Both are so excellent that it would be quite understandable if I never saw another film again.