I’m banning my mum from my wedding because she won’t accept my boyfriend

Alice*, 23, is a recruitment consultant from Surrey. Her partner Mark*, 25, is a software engineer who lives in Sussex. From the start, Alice's mum took a strong dislike to Mark. Here Alice reveals how against all odds she plans to marry him – and why she's decided not to invite her mum to the wedding.

Standing in the airport with my mother and father as we waited to board a flight to see my younger brother who works in the Netherlands, the tension between us was tangible.

My boyfriend of two years, Mark, hadn’t arrived yet and my mother had – yet again – taken this opportunity to have a private word with me about my relationship.

"I’m going to tell you this but don’t be offended," she began. "But you’re not a match for him. You could be with someone better educated, more successful. Is he poor? Why can’t you be with someone better? What’s the matter?"

Tears began to prick my eyes as I tried to open my mouth to defend my lovely boyfriend. Mark was kind, generous, honest and I loved him with all my heart. He was 'The One' and we plan to get engaged very soon. But then she started screaming at me in the middle of the airport that she’d never accept him, that I could do so much better and what was I doing with my life.

Dad tried to calm her down but it was too late. When Mark arrived he could tell immediately, by my tearful face, that something was wrong. He suspected that he’d been bad-mouthed by my mother again but we all had a flight to board. As I sat there in silence on the flight, I reflected that my mother was never going to accept my partner and I needed to do something about it.

Keeping up appearances

This was last September but it certainly wasn’t the first time that my mum had expressed her disappointment in me. Growing up in Indonesia, my relationship with her had never been particularly close or loving. Unlike my father who is easygoing and very patient, mum is super-strict and always put so much focus on academic achievement and success for myself and my younger brother and sister.

It’s not that she doesn’t care about us. She always works very hard and provided really well for us but she was desperate for us to be successful as well and she always put that before everything.

I moved over to England from Indonesia for work two years ago and met Mark by chance a year later. We were on a train leaving London and he had lost his phone and was wondering if someone would help buy him a ticket to get home.

A chance meeting

Perhaps it was the fact that I was so far away from my own home and the thought of being stranded in a city scared me that I immediately felt sorry for him. He seemed genuine and I couldn’t bear the thought of him being unable to get home so I offered to pay. We got chatting and never stopped.

Mark told me he was originally from Poland but has lived in the UK with his family since he was eight. He seemed kind, patient and understanding and we had so much in common, we talked about our travels and food we enjoyed and that we both liked to have an adventure.

After he left the train, he took my number so he could pay me back but I had no idea if I’d see him again. But when he got in touch the next day, we started texting and chatting. Not long after, we arranged for him to visit my home in Surrey where he asked me out on a date and from that day on we have been a couple ever since. We fell in love super-quickly. As Mark said, "If you know, you just know."

A good enough match?

I keep in touch with my family almost daily and I told my younger brother and sister about Mark straight away. They were thrilled for me. But they never said anything to my parents, possibly knowing what the reaction would be from my mother.

It was two months after Mark and I had started dating that I decided to throw into the conversation with mum and dad that I’d met someone and really liked him. Dad was his usual laidback self, making sure I was happy and asking questions about where we’d met. But when mum came on the line, the tone changed.

Mum is the kind of woman who wants to be able to show off to her friends about her children. It doesn’t matter about our own happiness as long as she can brag about who we are working for or who we are socialising with. I really believe she’d like me to be some sort of Kate Middleton, marrying into royalty. Nothing else will do.

The questions about Mark started immediately – where did he go to school, what were his grades, what does he do for a living, where are his family from? As I tried to answer each one, I could tell by her voice that she was unimpressed.

"What do you think he wants from you?" she then asked, and I knew exactly what she meant. She was meaning, what would a white European want a girl like me from South East Asia? We were from different backgrounds and cultures – my mother really couldn’t believe that he could love me.

Excluding my boyfriend

The questions continued in every conversation we had on the phone. How was he treating me? What were his prospects? What do his family do? Even though I told her that his family were very loving and welcoming to me, it didn’t matter. I told her that Mark was smart and responsible and loved me but it was never enough. "There are other people out there for you," she would say.

Then came the moment at the airport. It was only the second time she had met Mark in person and she was dismissive towards him even then. She’d often talk to me in our own language, cutting him out of the conversation which is so rude.

Of course, I’d tell Mark what was being said as I didn’t want to keep him in the dark. He’d been so supportive, taking time off work to get to know them better and just wants me to be happy. He tells me that my mum’s behaviour is not a reflection on me but I feel guilty that she treats him like that.

A tough choice

I didn’t even want to go on the trip to the Netherlands with them and it proved to be a turning point. After one particularly nasty argument about Mark, I packed our bags and Mark and I left mum and dad in the AirB&B and we went to stay with a friend for the rest of the trip. It’s the last time I spoke to her.

I’ve now blocked her number and refuse to speak to her when I call home and speak to Dad. Even when her name pops up on the phone, I feel triggered.

It’s for my own sanity. I can’t face the constant questions and barrage of abuse when she talks about Mark. Dad is stuck in the middle. I’ve no idea how he handles it back home but we’re still very close and I hope he manages to calm things down.

We want to get engaged in the next year or so and then we’ll marry. We’re just waiting for the right time. But I’ve made the decision that mum won’t be there. It may sound harsh but she causes me too much anxiety and stress and if she can’t accept Mark as the man I’m going to build a future with, then I don’t want her in my life at all.

She hasn’t reached out to say sorry and I don’t know if she ever will. She’s pretty stubborn. But if on my Big Day I’m walking down the aisle and she’s not there to see me on the happiest day of my life, it will be her loss, not mine. Mark and I are perfect together and I won't let anything come between us.

*Names have been changed to protect identities.