Here’s how to ask for what you *actually* want in bed
You’ve done the research. You know exactly what you like. Your solo seshes are a well-choreographed routine featuring your fave lubes, the perfect combination of vibrators and erotica you already have bookmarked (how many times is it okay to listen to Andrew Scott’s Quinn story? Asking for a friend).
But when it comes to asking for what gets you off? Suddenly you’re letting someone rub your inner labia for 10 minutes while they ask if you’re close — you’re not and neither are they. Asking for what you want in bed can be hard, but it’s also the key to the best sex of your life. “We’re all responsible for our own pleasure and orgasms,” says clinical sexologist Gigi Engle. “Our partners are not mind readers and if you don’t communicate what you want or how you like to be touched, they’re not going to automatically know.”
To help out, we asked some sexperts to give us their top tips for getting what you want.
Start outside the bedroom
We don’t mean getting it on in the hallway. Sexologist Nicoletta Heidegger suggests having these conversations while you have your clothes on. This will allow you to approach them with more clarity and less shame. Start by asking your partner how they prefer to receive feedback.
Make it a game
Sex is supposed to be fun, and talking about sex can be just as playful. Heidegger suggests creating a ‘yes/no list’ together of things you’re into and things that don’t quite do it for you. “You could ask, ‘Is there something that pushes you over the edge every time without fail? For me, it’s…’ This way, you’re not only sharing your own desires, you’re creating a space for mutual pleasure,” adds Laura Clarke, an accredited sex educator.
Make a sh*t sandwich
A ‘sh*t sandwich’ is a technique often used by managers to give feedback, but Engle says it can work in the bedroom, too. “Start by saying something you love about your sex life, your partner, and their skills as a lover. Then you put in your request in the kindest way possible, emphasising why this would make you feel more pleasure. End with another affirmation about your partner and how much you enjoy having sex with them,” she explains.
Focus on the ‘we’ not just the ‘I’
While asking for what you want definitely doesn’t make you a selfish lover, queer clinical sexologist Bima Loxley reminds us that partnered sex is as much about what you create together as it is about pleasure. What gets you off on your own may not be what you want from your partner. “When you’re playing with another person, your bodies, thoughts, feelings, and fantasies may change with them. Communicate your vulnerability and not-knowing, so it invites theirs in, too.”
Ask for more, more, more
Encouragement is hot. Focus on asking for more of what they’re already doing right, suggests Clarke. “‘It’s really hot when you…’ is a great sentence that can make your partner feel empowered instead of criticised. Then you can build upon that foundation,” she says. Plus, encouragement doesn’t always have to be verbal. Moans and body language can be just as effective as words.
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