An anxious attachment style may be secretly hurting your relationships
You’ve probably heard the term 'anxious attachment style' circling the internet lately—but what does it actually mean outside the context of social media jargon? Technically, anxious attachment is a term used by psychologists to describe a way that someone acts in various relationships, whether that be with family, friends, or romantic partners.
In general, anxious attachment is one that’s 'fuelled by the insecurity of being abandoned,' says Jenni Skyler, PhD, a certified sex therapist, sexologist, and director of The Intimacy Institute. An anxiously attached person might feel like they 'need' their significant other, friend, or family member in a more intense way than normal, Skyler explains. In the absence of this connection, they feel out of control and unstable.
Basically, even if they’re in a secure relationship with someone by definition, an anxiously attached person never feels quite comfortable where they stand. To them, there’s always a chance that the other person could leave—even when they least expect it.
And though someone may not intentionally be anxiously attached, it can still cause a breadth of issues in a relationship such as unhappiness, resentment, and more, says board-certified sexologist Debra Laino, PhD. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t ways to heal an anxious attachment style. It just takes time and patience (more on that later).
Wondering if you (or your partner, or someone else in your life) might have an anxious attachment style? It's time to replace your worry with knowledge. Here's everything you need to know about anxious attachment, according to experts in love, sex, and relationships.
What is an anxious attachment style?
Overall, an anxious attachment style is characterised by the fear of being abandoned, Skyler explains. That said, it can typically be broken down into two different categories, since anxiously attached people tend to express themselves in two specific ways.
Anxious ambivalent: This style usually looks like a person who is needy and has low self-esteem, Laino explains. 'They tend to be hyper-focused on being rejected,' she says, maintaining that this kind of person tries to get even closer to a partner when their anxious attachment is triggered.
Anxious avoidant: Because those with this attachment style fear rejection, they will evade connection with others, Laino says. 'They find emotions to be pretty difficult. While they may want to have a partner, their behaviour might say the opposite to the person they’re with,' she explains.
In short, both of these behaviours are the anxious attachment style at play—but expressed in opposing ways.
How does an anxious attachment style develop?
Most of the time, it stems from learned behaviours that you’ve witnessed or experienced during childhood, says Skyler. For example, an anxious ambivalent person might have had parents that were inconsistent with meeting their child’s emotional needs, says Laino. 'Sometimes, their needs were met, and sometimes, they were just neglected,' she says, which can be confusing for a child.
When that person reaches adulthood (or any point where they start to form relationships of their own), this might cause them to cling to people they feel they can rely on for emotional support, even if they’re not doing so intentionally. It’s an aim to meet a need they were not afforded during their youth.
For an anxious avoidant person, their parents were likely unavailable most of the time. 'They got the message that their needs weren’t important and they were rejected. They had to learn how to self-soothe,' Laino explains.
As a result of their unmet needs in childhood, the anxious avoidant person will attempt to become very self-reliant (which is nearly impossible), knowing that they have a history of not being able to depend on others for assistance or support. No matter how deeply they may yearn for it, they’re too anxious to go all in right away because they don’t want to be left.
Basically, your childhood experiences have a big impact on the way you develop connections. as an adult. 'The theory is that all of this stuff develops in relation to the first people you had relationships with, which are your caregivers,' Laino says.
Remember: There’s a spectrum to the anxious attachment style. Your guardians may not have been completely neglectful at all times, or totally inconsistent. 'It’s a sliding scale,' Skyler explains. Meaning, there are many different signs of anxious attachment—it’s not black or white.
What are the signs of anxious attachment?
First, know that excitement, enthusiasm, and nerves during a new relationship are different from anxious attachment. There will always be a bit of anxiety at the beginning of any connection when you’re simultaneously wondering where you stand with another person and excited by the prospect of new love, sex, or intimacy.
But, this healthy bout of nervousness is different from full-blown anxiety. 'You know it's an anxious attachment when this anxiety is overwhelming,' Skyler says. That's one sign, but there are multiple ways that this anxious attachment can be expressed, according to Laino and Skyler.
You feel as if you want to get close, but then abruptly pull away. Because your relationships were either inconsistent or absent during childhood, you have a fear that once you get close to another person, they will leave you or push you away. To combat this stress, you push them away before they have the chance to do it to you first, even if you’re dying to get closer.
Conversely, you might cling tighter at the slightest sign of separation. When you’re becoming close to someone that you have a deep fear of losing, you grab on even harder, fearful that they will leave you and trying to prevent them from doing so. Oftentimes, this behaviour can look erratic and desperate, as if you cannot survive or are unsafe without them.
You need constant reassurance. If you’re compulsively looking at your phone to make sure your partner has texted you back, if you don’t believe them when they’ve made it abundantly clear that they’re attracted to you, or if you cross boundaries by looking through their phone, you might have an anxious attachment style.
Your partners regularly tell you it’s difficult to connect. People who are anxiously attached may also have trouble accessing their feelings or expressing them if their needs were regularly ignored during childhood. In romantic relationships, this can look like an inability to connect with a partner long-term or communicate how much they care.
You’re overly sensitive to certain slights. Maybe your partner told you they’d be home around eleven o’clock, but they didn’t make it back until eleven thirty. While this might be annoying, it probably doesn’t warrant an argument (depending on the circumstances, of course). An anxiously attached person might pine over each minute their partner isn’t home on time, calling constantly, all because they are insecure without that presence. They may even express anger when the partner finally does get home.
What does anxious attachment look like in relationships and dating?
If signs of anxious attachment are present in a relationship, it’s likely that this connection will suffer in a few different ways. (But remember, anxious attachment is a spectrum and just because it’s present in your relationship doesn’t mean it’s doomed.)
First, there will likely be poor communication issues, says Laino. For example, if you’re pulling your partner closer but they don’t understand why (perhaps they just reaffirmed their love for you), you might have trouble conveying why you need that extra closeness.
'An anxiously attached relationship doesn’t create an interdependence dynamic, which is healthy, but rather a codependence,' Skyler says. This presents an unfair burden: 'The other person always needs to be there for support, and then there’s no alone time for that person,' Skyler explains.
Conversely, if you’re pulling away, a partner might find it troubling that you can’t connect with them, even if they know you want to, in theory. These communication issues might result in blame, Laino says, such as the anxiously attached person making claims that they’re partner 'is doing too much.' Or rather, 'not doing enough,' depending on whether the anxiously attached is avoidant or ambivalent.
The anxiously attached person also might find themselves ruminating on the relationship, Skyler explains. 'There’s a paranoia that’s always present,' Skyler says. They will never fully believe they are loved, no matter what their partner expresses—which manifests in wanting to be alone or in never being totally comfortable in the relationships they do allow in.
For a relationship to survive, there needs to be an 'inherent trust that the person loves you even if they aren’t physically there, or an inherent trust that they love you even if they aren’t emotionally there, such as after a fight,' Skyler says.
Oh, and FYI: here's how your attachment style impacts arguments with your partner:
Ultimately, if couples can’t work through persistent anxious attachment issues, it can lead to unhappiness, resentment, and eventually, a breakup, Laino says.
What are the other types of attachment styles?
Anxious attachment is a part of a larger set of categorisations—called attachment styles—that all aim to characterize how people form relationships. The three main categories in modern psychology are: secure attachment, anxious attachment (which is broken into the avoidant and ambivalent classifications), and disorganised attachment.
Like anxious attachment, the other two attachment styles relate to how a person’s needs were met in youth. Secure attachment is the 'ideal' style, with the 'goal' being a securely attached adult, says Laino. Typically, securely attached people have a strong sense of self, feel stable, maintain healthy boundaries, and develop relationships based on communication, mutual trust, and the ability to share emotions and needs, she explains.
With disorganised attachment, however, most people feel that they don’t deserve love, which usually stems from a past fear, trauma, a chaotic upbringing, or even abuse by their caregivers or trusted individuals, Laino says. In adulthood, this individual likely doesn’t know how to connect with another person at all, even if they might want to, since they inherently believe they are unworthy of connection.
How can you heal an anxious attachment style?
If you’ve identified some anxious attachment behaviours in yourself or in a partner, family member, or friend, don’t stress—even though the concept can feel overwhelming. There are ways to help heal your inner child and treat your anxious attachment style, according to Skyler.
Awareness is everything. As you’ve probably heard before, the first step toward healing any issue is acknowledging that it exists. Just being more aware that you have an anxious attachment style is useful in helping you identify when you might be triggered in relationships and can help you to not take it out on the other person.
Consider going to therapy. If you’re up for it, therapy can be really helpful when it comes to healing the wounded inner child that causes you to enact an anxious attachment style. It can also help you learn how to better communicate your needs with your partner so that they at least know where your insecurities stem from, which is better than being left in the dark.
Be in a loving, secure relationship. It may sound counterintuitive, but sometimes just being in a relationship where your partner is loving and makes you feel secure is enough to heal your attachment issues. In this scenario, you’re shown that a healthy relationship is possible, thus helping you get over your fears. (While still keeping in mind that the onus is not on your partner to solve your issues.)
Adopt a pet. Yep, if you’ve been waiting for an excuse to adopt a dog, this is it. Sometimes adopting an animal can be a person’s first securely attached relationship. Being a pet owner teaches you how to connect with another living being, and you will feel loved and competent since that pet relies on you for care, attention, and safety.
More resources for building healthy relationships...
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