"Anxiety and grief means Christmas is the hardest time of year for me"
Christmas this year might be looking a little different for many, be it due to the ongoing cost of living crisis, the loss of a loved one or due to poor mental health (particularly depression or social anxiety – which isn't helped by the expectation that we'll all be jolly and RSVPing 'yes!' to every festive party invite). It can also be a really difficult time for those with an eating disorder, given that so much of the holiday revolves around food.
Whatever it is that's getting you down, please know that you're not alone and that help is out there (we've signposted to some support lines at the end of this piece).
Keen to help others, Michelle, who suffers from social anxiety and depression, sparked by losing her beloved Gran in the run up to Christmas, has spoken out to share why the festive season brings back painful memories – and crucially, what helps her to cope with that.
Coupled with the overwhelming pressure to be sociable, outgoing and happy at all times - despite the way she's feeling deep down - it's something she's found often leaves her physically exhausted from putting on a brave face (and why she welcomes the arrival of January).
Here's Michelle's story of grief, anxiety and depression at Christmas:
"Christmas was something my Gran really excelled at. Ever since me and my two brothers were tiny children, Christmas would be about going to Gran and Grandad's, having a big family Christmas, her being a great cook and spoiling us rotten.
My Gran died at the end of November almost 12 years ago, just as everyone was getting excited for Christmas. We were incredibly close and her death was a catalyst for everything coming to a head with my mental health. It had been brewing for a while but it wasn't until she passed that it really took a hold. It was a trigger for me and, as a result, Christmas also became a trigger.
All my memories of Christmas feature my Gran. A few years before she passed she had to go into a nursing home so it changed the Christmas dynamic quite significantly. I found myself dreading Christmas because it wasn’t happy. My parents had divorced and all of a sudden it changed to being quite a small Christmas – just me and my mum. I missed how it used to be.
Christmas became this really horrible thing I used to dread because it brought back what I was missing. When my Gran died, the festive season became particularly hard because I was dealing with my grief, along with the social pressure that can be overwhelming at this time of year.
The need to be sociable
I suffer from social anxiety and, at Christmas, everybody typically feels you have to be very sociable. You go out more and there are staff parties. I found myself wanting to hide away all the time and not wanting to be happy and joyous. It’s difficult for other people to understand because, traditionally, it's a happy time. You end up feeling guilty because you’re not able to be that person that everyone wants you to be. I’d push myself to go and do things because I felt obliged to, and then end up having panic attacks – going at your own pace is key.
A few years ago, I really tried to get myself into the Christmas spirit so I went to Winter Wonderland in London. I had a horrific time, it was so busy and I had a panic attack. I felt so embarrassed I had to leave.
At work, it's my job to plan the Christmas party. One year, I arranged it and felt really proud. I thought it was going to be great. But when the day came, I had worked myself up into such a state that I didn't even go – I had built it up in my head so much that I had a migraine and felt physically sick because I was so anxious.
I’ve lost lots of friends because I’ve not been able to be sociable and have cancelled lots of plans, I’m very conscious of that. There’s such a demand to do things, even though you don’t want to, because you don’t want to be seen as a miserable person around Christmas. A few times I've tried to explain it to people but it's very hard for them to understand.
Why I welcome January
I’m better now at being able to know my limits but there is still this horrible feeling of guilt that lingers over the festive period. I'm not able to be who people want me to be around Christmas time.
Nowadays, I appreciate being able to to spend time with my family, but I hate the emotions Christmas has the potential to stir in me. I am able to enjoy Christmas Day, but there may still come a time when I have to be on my own for a bit – I don’t want to be at the table crying my eyes out. That can make you feel you’re bringing everyone else down with you.
Sometimes when I’m sat waiting for Christmas dinner, it feels like a physical pain in my heart. It sounds dramatic, but it does manifest itself in quite a physical way. I often feel drained after Christmas too, because you spend so much of the time trying to hide how you're actually feeling; you're constantly pretending.
Living with anxiety and depression can be exhausting anyway, so having that pressure to be switched on all the time when I’m back home with my family is hard. It's tiring trying to hide it as well.
It’s funny because others often feel the January blues in the new year, but I feel a sense of relief when I go back to work and everything goes back to normal. It feels like I can put it away and not deal with it again for another year.
I've had cognitive behavioural therapy for my social anxiety and more intense therapy for my bereavement. I'm on anti-depressants, which has also helped, as has things like finding a smaller Christmas market to visit so that I don't feel I'm missing out."
How to cope when you feel sad at Christmas
If you have a family member or friend who struggles with their mental health over Christmas, there are a number of supportive measures you can take, according to Mind's Head of Information, Stephen Buckley.
Be patient and don't blame them: "Someone with depression may get irritable or act withdrawn, they might not want to take part in Christmas festivities, they may need reassurance in some situations, for example attending social gatherings, and you may need to be patient with them. You should try not to blame your friend or family member for not wanting to take part in Christmas festivities... avoid telling them to 'pull themselves together' as it's possible they are already blaming themselves."
Encourage them to seek help: "You can reassure them that it is possible to do something to improve their situation, but you need to do so in a caring and sympathetic way."
Get talking: "It doesn't hurt to raise the subject yourself. Sometimes you don't have to explicitly talk about mental health to find out how they are doing - it can be as simple as texting them to let them know you're thinking of them, inviting them out for coffee or dinner or going for a walk."
Further advice and information on looking after your mental health can be found at Mind. You can call the helpline Monday to Friday, between 9 and 6pm, on 0300 123 3393, or even send an email to info@mind.org.uk.
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