How To Have An Actually Productive Argument, According To Lawyers
Any argument can get heated, especially during an election cycle. Whether people are dealing with a personal dispute or engaging in a political debate, emotions often run high and impede the ability to make progress or reach an understanding.
“Most arguments are unproductive these days because people are too focused on trying to ‘win’ the argument instead of looking at the bigger picture,” business law attorney Ugo Lord told HuffPost. “Futile arguments can fracture long-term relationships for a short-term win.”
He emphasized that rethinking how we approach arguments can not only improve our relationships but also our professional and personal lives in general.
“Arguing has a negative connotation, but it shouldn’t,” said Marilyn Chinitz, a partner in the matrimonial and family law practice at the law firm Blank Rome. “Arguments are a social process, and everyone should aim to be effective in the art of arguing. It is important to remember that conflict is not always a threat ― and it can often present opportunities to examine how we feel about an issue and clarify our points.”
To help people have more productive arguments, we asked Lord, Chinitz and other attorneys to share their best practices:
Commit to active listening, even when you can’t stand what you’re hearing.
“The problem with arguments today is that people do not listen,” said Robert Ottinger, founder of Ottinger Law Firm. “Instead, people just want to make their point, so you have two people talking at each other but neither one is listening.”
When we don’t truly listen to each other, we don’t understand each other. So try to stop talking and just listen ― even if you don’t like what you’re hearing.
“A good way to do this is to repeat back their point of view after they are done speaking, so they know you took the time to listen and understand them,” Ottinger said. “This can make a huge difference in navigating the conversation and making them feel heard. After, you can then ask if they are open to hearing your point of view, and this will allow you to have a much more receptive audience.”
By actively listening, you can clear up any confusion and even learn something valuable ― perhaps a piece of information that can strengthen your argument or clarify a miscommunication. You’ll also make the other person more inclined to hear your side of the issue and come to an understanding.
“Listen to understand, rather than listening to respond,” advised divorce attorney Nicole Sodoma. “We’re all guilty of this, but this tool can make the argument so much more efficient.”
Avoid rehashing the same old things.
“In order to be effective in an argument, avoid rehashing the same claims and reasons, because they will be lost on the other side,” Chinitz said. “To argue effectively, you must support your position with evidence and examples.”
She recommended remaining laser-focused on the matter at hand to have a productive discussion.
“The ultimate goal of an argument is to persuade the other side to understand your case, not just to create noise, so the way you convey your thoughts matters,” Chinitz said.
Use a calm, clear voice.
“Using a calm voice helps ensure you are heard,” Chinitz said. “The other side may ultimately still not agree with you, but they must listen to you, just as you should listen to them.”
Speaking in a calm manner can help you clearly express your perspective and argument.
“Clarity is key,” Lord said. “The better you can concisely express your objectives without any extra ‘flair,’ the easier it will be for the other party to understand what you desire.”
If you’re starting to feel yourself get carried away by emotions, considering leaning into a different sort of tone.
“I find that humor is often a great technique to disarm someone in an argument,” Chinitz said. “Injecting humor helps to lower the temperature and allows for better listening.”
Be strategic about timing.
“As they say, timing is everything,” Chinitz said. “Never argue when emotions are raw or when you are unwilling to listen to the other person’s side of an issue. This applies in both personal and professional situations.”
Don’t be afraid to step away if things start to get too heated.
“The longer the argument lasts, the higher the probability of fracturing a long-term relationship,” Lord said. “Consequently, do not be afraid to step away to allow yourself to independently cool down, regroup, and focus on a solution. Allow cooler heads to prevail at a later date rather than for hot tempers to lead you down a path of regret.”
Get into the discussion at a time when you aren’t feeling pulled elsewhere or on a tight schedule.
“Eliminate all distractions, so you can focus on the conversation,” Sodoma said. “Be present and goal-oriented.”
Anticipate responses.
While you want to practice active listening in your arguments, you should also be prepared to respond to talking points that you might expect from the other side.
“Remember, arguments evolve based on the contributions of the person with whom you are having the dialogue,” Chinitz said. “So you need to be quick on your feet and anticipate the responses you will likely receive.”
Do your research, whether it’s about a political issue or an examination of your interpersonal relationships and inner self. Then take the time to gather your thoughts and feel confident about the subject at hand.
Don’t make it too personal.
“You should never make an argument personal,” Chinitz said.
As you disagree with someone on a topic, try to resist the urge to rely on personal attacks and instead focus on building your credibility. Chinitz noted that credibility, or ethos, is one of Aristotle’s pillars of persuasion.
“To have credibility, you must demonstrate knowledge of the topic and subject that you are debating, but it doesn’t stop there,” she said. “You must also treat the opposing side with respect by acknowledging their points of view and cogently explaining why those views are not correct. You gain credibility by supporting your positions with specific examples, data and evidence.”
