"Florida Man Is A Lie" And 12 More Surprising Truths About The Chaotic Yet Fascinating State Of Florida (From A Local)
Florida is unquestionably fascinating. Whenever I tell someone that it's where I'm from, they always ask if it's as unhinged as it seems. Sure, when it's cold outside, iguanas fall out of the trees. When it's hot, you have to tactically fasten your seatbelt to avoid severe buckle burns. I know that this place sure seems off the rails, but is it truly as wild as people assume?
I've heard just about every Florida stereotype — from the ones that call us out accurately to the rumors that feel more like a caricature rather than an actual state people choose to live. Since I have the behind-the-scenes scoop as a lifelong local, I'm gonna give you the honest truth about which clichés are true and which ones are false.
TOTALLY TRUE: Alligators are all over.
It's only right that I start out by addressing the elephant in the room, aka alligators roaming the streets. This stereotype isn't an exaggeration at all. Where there's a body of freshwater, there are gonna be gators.
If I venture off on a nature walk near water, I'm 100% guaranteed to see this exact sign:
When I was a kid starting school, I was taught how to run away from a gator, and then I learned the ABCs. The alligators were the priority. Even though I grew up totally convinced that I'd be chased down at any moment, I've still never been pursued by a gator. If that day ever comes — I'll know intuitively that I must run...in a zig-zag. Seriously, that's what you're supposed to do. You're welcome for that, if you didn't know! We can both thank my kindergarten teacher for that knowledge.
TOTALLY FALSE: Florida deserves to be called "the sunshine state."
Is "the sunshine state" a satirical title??! No really — is that some kind of harsh joke?! Sure, when it is sunny, it's reeeeally sunny, but for the most part? It looks like the town from Twilight. Forks, Washington 🤝 the entire state of Florida. Even though it rains constantly, for some reason, none of us own an umbrella. This picture is an actual screenshot from my weather app in the middle of January, but it looks like this all year.
TOTALLY TRUE: Floridians don't take hurricanes seriously.
Florida gets hit with hurricanes so often that we've become indifferent towards them. Most of us just stock up on snacks and hunker down at anyone's house with a generator. If I can reeeeally explain how much Floridians shrug at hurricanes — I'll say that at one of my old jobs where I was working from home, the company policy when a hurricane was coming was to "work until the power goes out."
The only time a Floridian does take a hurricane seriously is when the local Waffle House closes, or if this guy shows up:
TOTALLY FALSE: Every man is a "Florida Man."
I understand that there's a level of intrigue immediately sparked when reading a headline that begins with, "Florida man arrested for..." You just know it's always going to be a bewildering collection of words that feel straight out of a game of Mad Libs. My personal favorite will always be, "Florida Man Arrested For Allegedly Throwing Alligator Through Wendy's Drive-Thru." Although this kind of day-to-day sounds chaotic and exciting — it isn't nearly as common as it seems in the news. Maybe I'm wrong on this one, and I've just gotten lucky by going so long without witnessing men going wild in public (or Publix)! If any Floridians have witnessed a stereotypical Florida Man out in the wild — pleeease tell me about it in the comments! I lowkey feel like I'm missing out.
TOTALLY TRUE: Florida drivers are the worst.
Driving in Florida is an extreme sport.
— Mightykeef (@MightyKeef) September 3, 2022
Everyone is either going 20 over the speed limit or 10 under. Simply going the speed limit?? In Florida? Sounds fake to me. I don't even wanna talk about Florida drivers in the rain. Everyone turns on their hazards and loses their minds.
TOTALLY FALSE: Everyone has a gun.
Florida (literally shaped like a gun) is known for guns. That irony is not lost on me. It's not as extreme as it may seem in TV shows and movies. No, you can't easily buy a gun at any vending machine. I can walk into a gas station without seeing everyone in line packing heat.
TOTALLY FALSE: Floridians are ALWAYS at the beach.
We really don't go to the beach as much as you'd think. I guess it's sorta like how people in New York don't really visit the Statue of Liberty that often. It feels touristy. Sure, we go to the beach when people visit from out of town, but for the most part we just stay in the a/c. When a Floridian actually goes to the beach, it's to the secret beach access that they've known about since high school and spend the rest of their lives gatekeeping.
TOTALLY TRUE: We passionately believe that Publix outshines any other grocery store.
I had no choice but to include this because I've never heard anyone from another state speak as enthusiastically about a simple grocery store as Floridians do when preaching the gospel of Publix. The holy land. We go absolutely feral for it — specifically, the Publix sub sandwiches that we affectionately refer to as "pub subs." If I were DJ-ing at a club in Florida and I wanted to get the crowd going, I would grab the mic and say, "When I say PUB, you say SUB!"
TOTALLY TRUE: All of us (or at least an embarrassingly high number of us) are Disney adults.
I'm ready to speak my truth: I'm a Disney adult, and so are all of my friends and family. I know that it's heavily influenced by nostalgia because growing up, most birthdays and school field trips would be Disney-centric because it was always just there and decently affordable. Going to Disney used to be waaaay less expensive and more attainable (at least for people who live in the state) and I'll be forever yearning for that sweet, sweet Florida resident discount of the past where I could go to three parks for $99. If you know, you know.
TOTALLY FALSE: We're all tan.
This goes hand in hand with how real Floridians aren't constantly at the beach, because I'll take it a step further and say that we avoid the sun like the plague. We sweat enough just going outside to check the mail, so we don't usually go out of our way to be outside in 95-degree weather with 85% humidity. I'm so sorry to Sheryl Crowe, but I just can't soak up the sun in those conditions.
TOTALLY TRUE: There are bugs everywhere.
I wish we had cute little lady bugs and lightning bugs flying around with whimsey — but no. We get gnats and flying cockroaches, and have to budget extra for car washes during lovebug season. If you're ever visiting Florida, get your bug spray locked and loaded for the battle of your life. I mean it. Prepare to swat with your best swattin' hand because it's gonna get busy.
TOTALLY TRUE: Anything under 70 degrees is considered freezing.
It's January, so it's time for Florida's annual cold month. Month. Singular. The temperature outside is currently about 65 degrees, but everyone is so bundled, layered, and cozied up that you'd think it's literally snowing outside. A full winter coat and two pairs of fuzzy socks is a requirement for a ten-minute dog walk. I won't apologize for that! For every local Floridian who says, "It's cold!" I know there are five out-of-townies who will say, "YOU THINK THIS IS COLD??!? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW REAL COLD." Good! I don't WANNA know.
TOTALLY FALSE: Everyone is obsessed with Tr*mp.
I just want to throw this one in here because there are a ton of Big Trumpers in Florida, and even though they're the loudest ones arguing in every single Facebook comment section, that doesn't mean they speak for all of us! The popular vote was very close! I do not claim them!! Don't be mad at me!
What do you think? Are there rumors about Florida that I missed? Are there Floridians who passionately disagree with any of my takes? Let me know in the comments!
