5 Things You Should Never Say To Your Partner When They’re Having Bad Anxiety
Living with anxiety can be debilitating and consuming. Symptoms often manifest both mentally and physically, so working through anxiety in the moment can be difficult, even with a rolodex of coping skills. Having a partner that understands and supports you through it can make all the difference.
In a relationship when one person suffers from anxiety and the other doesn’t, simple phrases that seem harmless have the ability to invalidate the anxious person’s feelings. It’s important to be a safe space, allowing the anxious person to be vulnerable and helping them through it. Saying something that amplifies their anxiety will only make them feel more isolated.
We asked therapists to share phrases that are harmful to say to your spouse when they’re having bad anxiety and why.
“Everything will be OK.”
This statement is a go-to because people think it will help the anxious person shift their thinking from their current spiral to positive possibilities in the future. But when someone is experiencing anxiety and is stuck believing that things are not OK, hearing that they will be can feel really far from the truth, said New York-based marriage and family therapist Vienna Pharaon.
“It can be hard to trust those words in the moment. Instead of saying everything will be OK, might you replace that with, ‘I’ve got you, I’m here with you,’ or ‘I’ll walk alongside you through this,’” she told HuffPost.
“It’s all in your head.”
At the height of someone’s anxiety, worries and fears may be taking over their thoughts uncontrollably. Whether these thoughts are realistic or not, it becomes their reality.
New York-based family and marriage therapist Tory Eletto told HuffPost that these phrases are meant to target logic, but when your partner is anxious, they are in a state of fight or flight. This means their experience is beyond logic, and phrases like this are not helpful.
“It’s not a big deal.”
If someone stubs their toe and says “ow,” would you tell them it didn’t hurt? It’s a similar sentiment when telling someone that their anxious feelings aren’t a big deal. While it may not be a big deal to you, negating that it is to them is ignoring their emotions all together.
This phrase is “dismissive and invalidating,” Eletto said. “I think tone matters too, but overall any kind of simplistic statement like that can send the message that an anxious partner should be able to snap out of it, which is not how anxiety works,” she told HuffPost.
The message you want to deliver is that they’re not alone in this, Pharaon added.
“You just need to calm down.”
No one likes to be told to calm down. “Phrases like this neglect their experience, making your partner feel unseen, which tends to elicit the opposite response of relaxed or calm,” Eletto tells HuffPost.
Anxiety isn’t a choice; if calming down were possible, people would stop their anxiety as soon as it starts. “What most people are suggesting when they say ‘calm down’ is to move from dysregulation to regulation,” added Pharaon. “If it were that easy, people would do it.”
It’s helpful to do things with a person as opposed to telling someone what to do on their own. Instead of telling your spouse to just calm down, try to co-regulate with them, Pharaon suggested. “That could mean helping them sync up their breath with yours. It could mean holding their hand and bringing your grounded energy to them,” she told HuffPost.
“Look on the bright side.”
Anxiety can create a fog of panic and nervousness that doesn’t allow for someone to see outside of their current thoughts. Suggesting that they look on the bright side minimizes their present emotions.
This phrase is incredibly invalidating, which can also trigger shame, Eletto said. “If your partner is already struggling, adding anything they ‘should be doing’ instead can create feelings of being judged,” she told HuffPost.
The best way to help a partner with anxiety is to get to know what helps them instead of what you think should help them. Figure out what they need to feel seen, supported and soothed. “Body language, touch, tone of voice, and presence matter here,” Eletto added. “Phrases like, ‘I’m here with you’ or ‘You are safe’ create permission for them to move through their anxiety.”
