22 Brutally Honest Confessions From A Diagnosed Narcissist
In recent years, narcissism has been talked about a lot, but not always in the most scientific way. It's become really common to hear someone label an ex or a bad boss as "a narcissist" without any understanding of what this diagnosis means.
Recently, on Reddit, a man with NPD invited other users to ask him anything they wanted to know about his diagnosis and his experience, and the conversation was eye-opening.
He started off the thread by writing, "I have NPD and fit most of the stereotypes, other than the fact that I have a large social circle, and I don't throw tantrums when I get angry. I cheat, I steal, I lie, I abuse — everything to get ahead... I'm not sure if this is even that interesting, but I figured that a lot of people have been traumatized by people like me, so maybe I can provide some insight into why we think this way."
Here are some of the most fascinating questions and answers from his thread:
Questions and answers have been lightly edited for grammar and clarity.
1.Q: How would you describe what a narcissist is?
A: Someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.
There are also nine key traits:
1. Grandiose sense of self-importance.
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Need for excessive admiration.
4. Belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
5. Sense of entitlement.
6. Interpersonally exploitive behavior.
7. Lack of empathy
8. Demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes.
9. Envy of others or belief that others are envious of him or her.
2.Q: How did you get diagnosed? I've understood that NPD is particularly difficult to diagnose as people usually aren't aware of their narcissism.
A: I was having a lot of other problems mentally due to PTSD, to the point where I was basically just sitting in my room, punching a punching bag, and crying. I'm pretty sure I was having some kind of psychological episode of some kind because I don't remember any of it.
My roommate was like, "Okay, I'm done with your shit, you need to get checked out, or else I'm moving out," so I did, and in the process of getting that mess sorted out, I was diagnosed as a narcissist.
3.Q: What approach did your therapist take to inform you that you were a narcissist? How did you react to getting your diagnosis?
A: They said it very bluntly. They basically said, "From what you have told me, I think it's likely that you are suffering from narcissistic personality disorder."
I just said, "Okay, thank you," then panicked in the car later.
4.Q: Do you know the real you? Or do you feel like you’re a blank slate until you meet someone and then figure out how to portray yourself?
A: I do, and I don't particularly like who I am. I'm a cold, selfish, heartless person, and I don't even feel like I have "personhood" or what makes us humans special. I don't have empathy or compassion or love or anything. I'm closer mentally to a rat. I only care for what I want.
5.Q: Do you accept that your dating life is going to be extremely difficult, if not impossible? My last ex had NPD. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he also had a rough childhood like mine, but even with intense therapy multiple times a week he couldn’t be fixed. The constant manipulation and lying…
A: I don't care about having a long-term relationship, and I don't care about anyone other than my niece. I have had long-term relationships, but I know they aren't "real" relationships. I lie about everything in them, down to the music I like. I want to be loved, but I'm not attached to who loves me.
6.Q: At the very least, I’m glad you are self-aware. Do you do these things to your niece? What makes her so different from everyone else in your family and friend group?
A: Of course not. I love her. She's also 11 right now, and I'd never do this stuff to someone who is a kid, anyway.
I also don't do this stuff to everyone, only if it benefits me. I don't want to see people I like get hurt for no reason. I help a lot of them, surprisingly. I only hang out with people who are below me mentally and emotionally because I like feeling superior in that way, so it's easy to help them. You just point out the obvious and watch them thank you for saying a very simple solution.
This is going to sound really bad, but she has Down syndrome. She's just such the opposite of who I am. She's so caring and won't ever manipulate anyone. She's always positive, never has anything to complain about, and on top of that, she thinks I'm the best person ever. She's just a joy to be around, and I genuinely love her.
7.Q: Do see anyone in your social circle as a "friend," or are they simply someone you can use to get what you want?
A: I do, but it's a very corrupt version of it. I would throw them all under the bus if they ever did anything to get in my way or if it meant I would be able to get ahead, and I have probably hundreds of times. I'm sure it's not a huge surprise to you I don't have many long term friends.
8.Q: How do you define love?
A: That's the hardest question yet. I don't know. It's like when you go into a room, and someone you love is there; you get happier automatically because you genuinely want to be around them. They don't need to interact with you; they just need to exist, and that's enough to raise your mood. It's genuinely enjoying someone for who they are and a deeper understanding than just liking someone. That's how I see it.
9.Q: Can someone live happily with a narcissist? Is there a cure?
A: I think it depends on the narcissist. In most cases, I'd say no. You can be friends and such with them, but I don't see having a romantic relationship ending well with 90% or more of us, definitely not me, at least. No matter what, a relationship with me is always a competition, and I will do anything in my power to win.
There is no cure. You can seek help and become a "good" person, but you'll always be stuck as a narcissist.
10.Q: How do we avoid dating and marrying you?
A: Don't date people who you can't see any flaws in. Everyone has flaws, and if they don't show it they are hiding it.
11.Q: Have you ever been called out for your behavior? Has someone ever told you, “You’re manipulating me right now,” or “I can tell you have ulterior motives”?
A: I have a bunch. I just keep talking till they stop.
12.Q: I hope this hasn't been asked yet, but are you familiar with the Grey Rock method? Has anyone used the method when dealing with you, and how does it make you feel? My mom has NPD, and using it on her is the only way I've managed to get through having a child of my own with her around. I wanted to cut her off completely, but my son really loves her.
A: Yes, and it pisses me off more than anything.
It makes me feel worthless.
13.Q: How do you react when someone hurts or disappoints you? What does it take for you to forgive?
A: I usually escalate it and make them look shitty. If you do something to me I will go back and do 10 times worse, and I will make everyone think that you did it to yourself. I don't forgive people.
14.Q: Have you ever felt sorry for being an asshole to people who didn't deserve it?
A: That's hard to answer if I'm being completely honest. I don't know. I don't think I have, but I've definitely felt a sense of shame or embarrassment for dragging in people who didn't need to be dragged in or who could have been left out.
15.Q: Do you feel something when you know you are hurting people by your actions?
A: Not really. I kinda just feel shame that they see who I really am, but I don't care a lot.
16.Q: What character from a TV show or movie do you think is the best representation of what you are and why you do what you do?
17.Q: Do you see people who try to be honest, sensitive, and generally good as weak or stupid?
A: No, they have some level of humanity I will never have. Good for them.
18.Q: In your own opinion, do you notice NPD in others, and how common is it? Do most people not see it?
A: I've only met one person who I genuinely think is a narcissist, in my whole life.
It's more than just being a selfish asshole. I think way more people haven't met one who think they have than the other way around.
19.Q: I've always thought that narcissism is a growing trait among younger people. Would you agree?
A: I don't think so. I feel like we know more about child abuse and neglect now, so I feel like they're being neglected less, which leads to fewer cases of narcissistic personality disorder.
Teens are also inherently narcissistic; it's how they are, and they will grow out of it, but now they have a way to showcase it because of social media. If we had social media as kids, we'd be acting the same way.
20.Q: My mom and late husband are/were both covert narcissists (evidently, if you’re abused by one growing up and taught to caretake/be a doormat, you’ll attract others). Do you feel attracted to potential significant others who are gullible, have traumatic backgrounds, and are willing to put themselves last, or is it not intentional who you’re attracted to?
A: I definitely feel attracted to submissive people.
21.Q: Do you want to be a narcissist? What do you think about it? Do you enjoy it?
A: Nope. I hate it. It's so incredibly lonely. I don't even know who I am.
22.Q: What do you think about the rise of "narcissist" as a buzzword? Have you noticed it's become a popular term lately? Do you think it's changed how you're perceived? And due to the stigma, do you ever tell other people about your NPD, or do you keep it to yourself?
A: I hate it. Everyone gets labeled it, and it's why I don't tell people I am one. I've never even been called one if that shows you how inaccurately used it is.
I've never told anyone.
Were you surprised by any of the questions or answers? And have you ever known anyone with this diagnosis? Tell us what you think in the comments.
