20 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Dec. 31 - Jan. 6)
Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
If you’re overly competitive about being more tired than someone else, marriage might be for you.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) January 3, 2025
If you’re overly competitive about being more tired than someone else, marriage might be for you.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) January 3, 2025 ">
I borrowed my husband’s bar of soap and now I can’t remember anything you said because I wasn’t even listening.
— BOOP (@Bootyfuluni) January 4, 2025
I borrowed my husband’s bar of soap and now I can’t remember anything you said because I wasn’t even listening.
— BOOP (@Bootyfuluni) January 4, 2025 ">
explaining to my wife that the chicken bones in our bed are from me practicing voodoo and not from me eating another family bucket of KFC under the sheets
— 𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 (@MoMohler) January 5, 2025
explaining to my wife that the chicken bones in our bed are from me practicing voodoo and not from me eating another family bucket of KFC under the sheets
— 𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 (@MoMohler) January 5, 2025 ">
My gay ass husband who "hates musicals" has been playing the Wicked soundtrack on repeat for weeks and explaining to me that this is actually "quite good." I'm married to a suburban mom with a pixie cut from 2004.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 3, 2025
My gay ass husband who "hates musicals" has been playing the Wicked soundtrack on repeat for weeks and explaining to me that this is actually "quite good." I'm married to a suburban mom with a pixie cut from 2004.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 3, 2025 ">
My husband took me to a nice hotel for my bday and I forgot my fan so he DoorDash’d one. However, the tiny one he bought was sold out and they replaced it with the biggest fan I’ve ever seen. The amount of fanshame my husband had walking out of the hotel with a 4 ft tall fan this…
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 6, 2025
My husband took me to a nice hotel for my bday and I forgot my fan so he DoorDash’d one. However, the tiny one he bought was sold out and they replaced it with the biggest fan I’ve ever seen. The amount of fanshame my husband had walking out of the hotel with a 4 ft tall fan this…
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 6, 2025 ">
My wife’s sole purpose in life is to buy salad mix so I can just throw it away in 2 days.
— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) January 4, 2025
My wife’s sole purpose in life is to buy salad mix so I can just throw it away in 2 days.
— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) January 4, 2025 ">
I asked my husband if we should go out and do something tonight and then we laughed and laughed and got into our positions on the couch.
— Stacey (@skittle624) December 31, 2024
I asked my husband if we should go out and do something tonight and then we laughed and laughed and got into our positions on the couch.
— Stacey (@skittle624) December 31, 2024 ">
My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, "Speak now or forever hold your pee" and made some dad out there proud.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) January 2, 2025
My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, "Speak now or forever hold your pee" and made some dad out there proud.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) January 2, 2025 ">
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you.— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 6, 2025
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 6, 2025 ">
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you.
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) January 2, 2025
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) January 2, 2025 ">
husband: it's January and we're still getting amazon packages
me:
husband:
me: huh so weird— meghan (@deloisivete) January 3, 2025
husband: it's January and we're still getting amazon packages
me:
husband:
me: huh so weird
— meghan (@deloisivete) January 3, 2025 ">
me:
husband:
me: huh so weird
Why is it that my wife’s stress level is at its max when I let the recliner out on the couch?
— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) January 6, 2025
Why is it that my wife’s stress level is at its max when I let the recliner out on the couch?
— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) January 6, 2025 ">
Calling a divorce attorney because my husband stole all the cold spots in bed last night.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) January 2, 2025
Calling a divorce attorney because my husband stole all the cold spots in bed last night.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) January 2, 2025 ">
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 2, 2025
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 2, 2025 ">
Suggestion for a horror film.
My husband sneezing and coughing at the same time.— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) January 4, 2025
Suggestion for a horror film.
My husband sneezing and coughing at the same time.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) January 4, 2025 ">
My husband sneezing and coughing at the same time.
My wife has informed me that I can no longer answer my phone with "what the fuck do you want?"
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ 🎗️memoir now available! (@WillieHandler) December 31, 2024
My wife has informed me that I can no longer answer my phone with "what the fuck do you want?"
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ 🎗️memoir now available! (@WillieHandler) December 31, 2024 ">
Wife’s never seen Poltergeist (1982)!
Gonna watch and after I’m gonna show her my best Tangina…
impression.— N.J. Gallegos is Dr. Spooky 👻💉💊 (@DrSpooky_ER) January 4, 2025
Wife’s never seen Poltergeist (1982)!
Gonna watch and after I’m gonna show her my best Tangina…
impression.
— N.J. Gallegos is Dr. Spooky 👻💉💊 (@DrSpooky_ER) January 4, 2025 ">
Gonna watch and after I’m gonna show her my best Tangina…
impression.
I just told my husband he better never leave me and he said so sincerely, "I couldn't. Who would I gossip with?"
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 2, 2025
I just told my husband he better never leave me and he said so sincerely, "I couldn't. Who would I gossip with?"
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 2, 2025 ">
We are going to a black tie NYE party that my husband has known about for months. It starts in 2 hours. I spent months planning my outfit and asking his opinion on this dress vs. that dress. The one I chose is hanging on the closet door.
H, “Wait, is this like a dress up deal?”— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) December 31, 2024
We are going to a black tie NYE party that my husband has known about for months. It starts in 2 hours. I spent months planning my outfit and asking his opinion on this dress vs. that dress. The one I chose is hanging on the closet door.
H, “Wait, is this like a dress up deal?”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) December 31, 2024 ">
H, “Wait, is this like a dress up deal?”
As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.
— Hunter the Bounty Dog (@huntergraybeal) December 31, 2024
