20 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (May 7-13)

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.

Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

hate when my husband gives me some crazy directions like “i’m in the south west corner” it’s a costco parking lot i have no idea where i even am let alone what you mean by south or west

— amil (@amil) May 11, 2024 ">

Being married is cool you can be laying next to your husband in bed while he’s really studiously pondering his phone and you look over and he’s googling “what is the largest bird”

— Bitch Wife/Girlboss/Girl Bitch (@husbandfuck3r) May 13, 2024 ">

dating: Of course I'll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you're not home by 6, I'll eat your dinner, too.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) May 7, 2024 ">

My husband had a friend over for dinner last night and at the end of the evening he sent her home with leftovers. As he handed it to her, he looked her straight in the eyes and said "I'm gifting you the soup but NOT the Tupperware."

We love a man who communicates.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) May 10, 2024 ">

“What’s she got again? Neck butt forehead?” My husband was talking about hand foot and mouth 😂😂😂

— amber 🌺 (@ambercarny) May 12, 2024 ">

My wife and I were walking down the sidewalk wearing gear from our favorite sports teams, pushing three cats in strollers, on the way to the vet (annual check-ups), and I could feel a level of lesbianism radiating off of us that was so powerful men were crossing the street.

— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) May 10, 2024 ">

My husband is in the middle of a detailed explanation of why I should totally watch Battlestar Galactica and my eyes hurt from trying so hard not to roll them.

— Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) May 9, 2024 ">

The neighbours will think that I’ve died as my husband just hung the washing out.

— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) May 11, 2024 ">

You can't make me do anything I don't want to do.

That privilege is reserved for my wife.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 10, 2024 ">

shout out to the girl i have followed on instagram for 12 years after we were camp counselors together whose husband just disappeared out of all of her instagram photos slowly over time and then she hard launched a whole ass new person like nothing happened!

— emily (@emilykmay) May 7, 2024 ">

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

— fundy (@funderlaw) May 12, 2024 ">

My husband asked for the “food tweezers,” and for a moment I thought he meant the little tweezers in Operation, but he’d just forgotten the word “tongs.”

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) May 9, 2024 ">

Me: Who loaded the dishwasher!?

Him: I did

Me: Beautiful job

Narrator: they made a baby that night

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) May 9, 2024 ">

My husband and I have a mutual understanding that if your hands are full at home, there's always a chance of the other pulling your pants down—those are the rules.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) May 10, 2024 ">

I had no idea of the importance that having a good heating pad would play in my life until I got married and had three daughters

— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) May 13, 2024 ">

My wife loved mother's Day lunch and her mother's Day presents but she was most excited and danced in the driveway when the kids and I left for the rest of the day.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 12, 2024 ">

they should teach marriage in school, for example, today’s lesson is memorize the 14 adjectives of your wife’s favorite starbucks coffee

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) May 8, 2024 ">

We have reached the point of Tupperware ownership where my wife is buying Tupperware to store our Tupperware.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 13, 2024 ">

My husband always accuses me of mumbling but the volume at which he watches TV tells me the problem just might be on his end

— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) May 7, 2024 ">

Yesterday evening, my brother in law texted to say they were in the neighbourhood and would be dropping by in a half hour so I had my wife turn off all the lights and the TV.

— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ (@WillieHandler) May 12, 2024 ">