20 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Dec. 3-9)

Kelsey Borresen
·4-min read

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.

Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

My wife hadn't ordered anything from Amazon in 8 days and they had one of their drivers come to the house to do a wellness check.

— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ memoir now available! (@WillieHandler) December 7, 2024 ">

me: hey, did you see the video I sent you

my husband:

me:

my husband: I saw that you sent it

— meghan (@deloisivete) December 7, 2024 ">

My husband got excited when I said “I need you tonight,” but he didn’t realize I was talking to the Reese’s Peanut Butter cups.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) December 9, 2024 ">

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *takes out the bathroom garbage*

— your other mom (@difficultpatty) December 7, 2024 ">

me: any place can be fine dining if you go in a limo

wife, sitting at our table in Taco Bell: I hate you

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) December 6, 2024 ">

Married Wrapped 2024 list is out! My most heard tunes were

1. What’s for dinner
2. Did you even look?! (Explicit)
3. Never mind! I’ll do it myself

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 5, 2024 ">

Petition for my wife to pardon me for anything I may have done in the last 11 years.

— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) December 4, 2024 ">

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

— Darla (@ddsmidt) December 9, 2024 ">

Got some stocking stuffers for my wife at Aldi. Hope she likes Bart’s Beez lip balm.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 7, 2024 ">

I was telling my husband about a new vitamin C serum I wanted for Christmas and he said he’d rather give me a D serum and that’s how the fight started.

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) December 6, 2024 ">

Sometimes I think my husband believes saying he'll do something is just as good as actually doing it.

— Hollie Harris (@allholls) December 6, 2024 ">

The best part of my wife going through menopause is that I no longer have to fight with her about the thermostat.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 5, 2024 ">

My husband has written an entire new album of songs about the baby in his head and he likes to sing them at the top of his lungs all day long and I'm not going to lie you you, they are cute but also really bad.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) December 8, 2024 ">

I swear if my husband retrieves another pair of holey socks out of the trash to use as rags, this Christmas isn’t going to be very merry.

— Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) December 8, 2024 ">

Wife: How was your day?

Me [dipping Oreos in a Kahlua Mudslide]: not great

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 6, 2024 ">

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 5, 2024 ">

My wife's making lasagna tomorrow. I'm insanely jealous of my future self. 😅 😋

— Joe (@joenahnah) December 4, 2024 ">

My husband is in the shower and there was just a loud bang and I heard him yell but it was more of a comical yell, I think, so I don't think I need to go check on him? I think he's doing comedy? But I'm really unsure.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) December 4, 2024 ">

How me and my wife put up a Christmas tree~

Drag tree out

Argue

Hang 500 lights

Argue

Plug in, doesn't work

Argue

Tighten 500 lights

Doesn't work

Start drinking

Throw tree against the wall

Put house up for sale file for divorce

— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) December 7, 2024 ">

If this gets 4 likes I’ll put my cold hands on my wife’s back

— Joel Jeffrey (@joeljeffrey) December 6, 2024 ">

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