20 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Nov. 5 - 11)

Kelsey Borresen
·4-min read

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.

Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

Every healthy marriage is built on compromise. I want to decorate for the holidays this weekend, and my husband wants to wait until after Thanksgiving. So we compromised… and we’re decorating this Saturday.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 7, 2024 ">

I'm traveling and just cheat watched GBBS without my husband, planning to watch it with him when I get home and pretend I hadn't seen it. I just called him and heard it on the background. Turns out we were both planning to watch it together and each pretend we hadn't seen it.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) November 9, 2024 ">

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) November 8, 2024 ">

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won't come pick him up..
She says it's 'my husband, my problem' ugh

— Marl (@Marlebean) November 4, 2024 ">

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 9, 2024 ">

I need to install a red light in our apartment, to subtly let my husband know when it’s time to stop talking.

— Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) November 6, 2024 ">

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 7, 2024 ">

I accidentally used my wife's shampoo and I haven't had to wash my hair in 4 weeks

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 6, 2024 ">

[text]
Wife: I shaved my legs.
Me: Um. Okay.
Wife: Above the knees.
Me: I WILL BE RIGHT HOME

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 11, 2024 ">

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

— Darla (@ddsmidt) November 8, 2024 ">

According to my iPhone I’ll be leaving my wife’s friends dinner party in 20%.

— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) November 8, 2024 ">

When your husband says he’ll fix something, but you really know it’ll be 7-10 business days.🤧

— ↞𝙱𝚕𝚔𝚜𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚋𝚎𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚢↠ (@BlkSoulBeauty) November 9, 2024 ">

Saw a tweet asking if you’d let someone read your texts to your spouse in public for $1m. Uh yes? “wnba pic, wnba news, cat pic, wnba news, coffee order, wnba news, coffee order, neighbor gossip, cat pic, photo of that time Villanelle dressed as a clown on Killing Eve, wnba news”

— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) November 4, 2024 ">

My husband woke me up with coffee & said, “Let’s go to Lowe’s.”

And that’s romance after 25 years.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 10, 2024 ">

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Wife: Whatever.
Me: Pizza?
Wife: No.
Me: Chinese?
Wife: No.
Me: Italian?
Wife: Nah.
Me: Mexican.
Wife: No.
Me: [lists every other food known to man]
Wife: No.
Me: OMG what do you want?
Wife: Whatever.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 9, 2024 ">

My relationship with my husband is wonderful— about as perfect as any human relationship could get. The one thing that could possibly sink us long term is that my husband will eat any food at any temperature, and he insists this is perfectly acceptable and normal.

— Alyssa Leader (@alittleleader) November 8, 2024 ">

ME: They should make an educational puppet show starring Mario and all his friends in his neighbourhood.

WIFE: Um...ok

ME: Call it Says-a-me Street

HER: Get out.

— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) November 5, 2024 ">

My wife was so excited I was wearing jeans instead of sweatpants that I think she might buy me a pony

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 8, 2024 ">

Wife: I bought some wireless bra on sale.

Me: What's the password?

— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ has his memoir on pre-order (@WillieHandler) November 7, 2024 ">

When my husband and I got first got together we showed each other our favorite shows/movies that the other hadn’t seen. He showed me Breaking Bad and Pulp Fiction and I showed him Daddy Day Care and School of Rock

— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) November 11, 2024 ">

Related...

Latest stories