19 Heartbreakingly Honest Confessions From A Woman Who Found Out Her Husband Was Hiding $500k In Gambling Debt
According to the National Council on Problem Gambling, about 2.5 million Americans have a severe gambling problem and another 5-8 million show signs of mild to moderate issues.
They define problem gambling as behavior that negatively affects a person's daily life, like at work and in relationships. Some signs of problem gambling include:
• Thinking about gambling all the time.
• Feeling like you can't stop gambling.
• "Chasing losses" by trying to win money back after bad bets.
• Wanting to bet more and more money.
• And continuing to gamble even after experiencing harsh, negative consequences.
Though gambling is becoming increasingly mainstream in the US, we don't talk enough about the harm it can cause. A while back, on r/AMA, a wife who discovered her husband's serious gambling issues invited other users to ask her anything about the experience, and I learned so much from reading her story that I had to share it with you.
She started the thread by writing, "I didn’t know my husband had a problem until we were engaged, and even then, he said it was a one-time mistake. Six months after we were married, I finally discovered the truth — it wasn’t a one-time thing. It was a near-daily occurrence for years on end. If you met us in real life, you would never know but it’s absolutely ruined our lives."
Here are some of the most interesting questions and answers from the thread:
If you or someone you know is experiencing troubling gambling behavior, call the National Council on Problem Gambling Hotline at 1-800-GAMBLER.
1.Q: How old are you guys?
A: I’m 34, and he’s 42.
2.Q: Do you guys make a lot of money each year?
A: I make about $200k; he’s still unemployed. The real problem right now is that he has loans from so many different companies that the minimum payments plus rent are about $25k a month. I don’t make enough to cover that at all.
3.Q: How did you discover he was doing it?
A: The first time, he came clean and just admitted that his gambling "got out of control." I didn’t know a damn thing about addiction at the time, so I believed him that it was a slip-up and not a persistent problem.
Over time, I started to suspect that it WAS a bigger problem because shit just didn’t add up. Like, "Why did he need more money now?? No, you didn’t tell me about that loan!" Eventually it was clear just from his behavior. He was a zombie. On his phone 24/7. Unemployed. Irritable. The absolute worst version of himself. I tried getting into his phone and computer, but he changed his passwords (a bad sign).
Finally, I confronted him and this time I wouldn’t accept his usual lies and excuses. I took his laptop, started going through everything, and went into the password manager on his browser. That is how I finally found all the hidden bank accounts, loans, and gambling sites. I downloaded his bank transactions, airdropped them to myself, and later went through everything to find out a realistic total.
4.Q: Is he in debt, or did he gamble his and your savings and assets?
A: Unfortunately, all of the above. He gambled all our savings and assets and took out hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.
One of the most ridiculous aspects of gambling addiction in the US is the way our credit score system works. Instead of seeing him as a risky bet (which, my god, he is!), the banks see that he’s making payments and paying off loans. In reality, he’s just borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. But he still has a shockingly high credit score, all things considered. But outside of traditional lenders, there are payday loans and tribal loans with 300%+ interest that’ll loan money to literally anyone. Those loans have been the hardest to keep up with.
5.Q: Please don't take this the wrong way, but how did you not notice he was losing all that money fairly quickly?
A: The reason I didn’t notice that he was losing so much money is because he wasn’t gambling money that we earned. Nothing was missing from my bank account. He was taking out loans and depositing that money into a bank account that I couldn’t see and then gambling with money that I didn’t know he had. So I didn’t even know we were losing money because, as far as I knew, we never had it to begin with. I only found out about the loans after he’d gambled all of that money.
6.Q: Would his gambling addiction be a problem if he won?
A: Yes! Believe it or not, the craziest part of the story (to me, a non-gambler, at least) is that when I was going through all his transactions, I discovered that he DID win hundreds of thousands of dollars. But instead of cashing out on his winnings and taking me to a nice dinner, he immediately used those winnings to place more bets, and in the end, he lost more than he won.
7.Q: Do you think he was doing it all for the selfish dopamine rush, or do you think maybe he had you in mind — a desperate risk to improve your collective lives against forbidding odds?
A: A mix. Certainly, some of it was chasing his losses. He lost so much money that earning it back with a normal job seems impossible, but winning it big seems plausible (the gambler's fantasy!).
But the #1 thing I’ve learned about gambling addiction through this experience is that it’s almost never about the money. It’s about the dopamine rush of having a bet in action. Will I win?? Will I lose?? That’s what keeps him hooked and coming back for more.
8.Q: Is he still currently gambling, and has he sought some sort of professional help for the addiction?
A: I hope not! But unfortunately, it’s impossible to tell. You can place a bet in 0.1 seconds on your phone. He’s in therapy now, thank God. I know he’s relapsed at least twice since I discovered the problem, but there’s truly no way of finding out.
9.Q: How are both of you guys doing emotionally?
A: Horrendous. It’s such a horrible, miserable, soul-sucking problem. And again, because it’s an invisible addiction, most of our friends and family don’t know. So there’s no community support like you might see around a wife whose husband is clearly an alcoholic. People assume we’re fine, maybe tired, but in reality, we’re a wreck.
10.Q: Have you found any support outside of your circle, like support groups or therapy? Or maybe any online communities? Some of my loved ones have gotten a lot out of getting involved in Al-Anon, which is a support group for people who are close to alcoholics.
A: You’re very right about Al-Anon. I’ve been to a handful of Al-Anon and Gam-Anon meetings, and they’ve been helpful. I have a few super close friends who know what’s going on and can listen and support me emotionally. And, of course, the problem gambling Reddit sub has been helpful, too. It’s why I got on Reddit in the first place.
11.Q: How did he treat you while he was actively gambling?
A: When we first met, he was the life of the party. Everyone at the office loved him, and he was extremely charming, funny, and charismatic.
Gambling sucked the life out of him. At its worst, he became very reclusive and antisocial. He didn’t want to go out with our friends, and if I pushed him to do it, he’d be like, "Fine, but just for an hour." But there were also periods of intense irritability and lashing out. We’d have insane blowout fights and half the time I didn’t understand why. And what do you know? He stops gambling, and all those fights disappear.
12.Q: Why haven’t you left him yet?
A: It’s a question I’ve asked myself a thousand times. The short answer is: I don’t quite know. The long answer is: I know who he was PRE-gambling, and I know he could be that person again if he got sober and stayed sober from gambling. Also, I’m deeply embedded in his family. His siblings are like my siblings now, his cousins are like my cousins, his niblings are my godchildren. I’d lose them, too. They would understand completely, but it wouldn’t be the same. We shall see.
13.Q: Where does your marriage go from here? Will you stay together?
A: I’m hoping that he’ll stay in recovery. But I also wouldn’t be shocked if the marriage didn’t survive this. Gambling is one of the hardest addictions to kick, mainly because it’s invisible. Unlike drugs, alcohol, shopping, etc., it’s hard to tell that he’s gambling, and he can lose thousands of dollars in a mere instant.
Whether we stay together romantically or not is to be decided, but I think it’s very likely that, at a minimum, we get legally divorced, so I’m better protected from his debts.
14.Q: Can you submit his information to the online betting platforms and local casinos so that he bans himself? Usually, with live betting, there’s a way to get yourself voluntarily banned.
A: Yes, definitely! It’s a start, but it’s not a failsafe. So much of the betting that happens online is technically illegal, done through offshore platforms using cryptocurrency instead of cash. So he can voluntarily abstain from formal institutions, but there’s always another app or another casino waiting to be found… That said, I agree that it’s a crucial step!
15.Q: Does your husband present other what would be termed as "addictive behaviors"? I'm curious about whether gambling, addiction, or high-risk behavior runs in his family or if the opposite is true, and he grew up in a conservative church bubble, so to speak.
A: Addiction runs in his family, but as far as I knew, it was drugs and alcohol. I had no idea gambling was a problem or that his late father taught him to gamble as a small child.
16.Q: Gambling is now being heavily marketed to men. Oftentimes, men struggle with loneliness, lack of community, and lack of hobbies/personal development . My question is, do you feel your husband can recover? Are there resources for him to do that besides just "being good?"
A: It does seem to be a predominantly male crisis. Yes, I’ve met men whose wives are compulsive gamblers, but I’d say it’s one woman for every 20 men in GA/Gam-Anon.
Yes, I believe recovery is possible. But it's hard AF to achieve.
17.Q: How did you not murder him when you found out he gambled your money, too?
A: I think because the big reveal happened sooooooo slowly. It wasn’t a single realization, but hundreds of little lies slowly being revealed. I think if I’d just found out out of the blue I would’ve left him right away.
18.Q: What are the lessons that he learned from this experience?
A: Lesson: don’t gamble, don’t encourage your friends to gamble, and absolutely under no circumstances ever teach your kids about gambling. My husband learned how to gamble from his dad. His dad would let him place small $5 bets on things here and there for fun. Little did he know or realize that teaching his son how to gamble would later ruin and almost end his son's life.
19.Q: What's the next move?
A: He’s in therapy. I go to Gam-Anon. But for me personally, I’m desperate to bring attention to gambling addiction via posts like this, blogs, and maybe a book someday. The problem is way, way, way worse than anything, and it’s only going to get worse with the legalization of betting in more states. And frankly, it doesn’t matter if it’s legalized. We live in a state where gambling is illegal and he bet all that money away on offshore sites.
Did you find this post more relatable or more eye-opening? Let's talk about it in the comments, and send it to a friend if you learned something.
More like this
25 Eye-Opening Confessions From A Trauma Therapist That Changed The Way I Think About Mental HealthMegan Liscomb · Dec. 30, 2024
"I'm A Former Conspiracy Theorist": 23 Brutally Honest Confessions That May Change The Way You See Your Weirdest UncleMegan Liscomb · Dec. 18, 2024
This 25-Year-Old "Diagnosed Nymphomaniac" Let People Ask Her Absolutely Anything About Her Condition, And It's A Perspective You Don't Often SeeMegan Liscomb · Dec. 17, 2024
This Former Women's Prison Inmate Let People Ask Her Anything About Her Experience, And It's Eye-OpeningMegan Liscomb · Dec. 3, 2024
