Women Confessed Why They Wanted To Become Mothers Instead Of Being Child-Free
Recently Reddit user badoopidoo asked women over 30 years old, "Women who didn't want children but ended up having [them], what changed your mind?"
A lot of women got candid about their child-free lives, and the reasons they eventually changed their tune. Motherhood isn't for everyone, but for these women, it eventually was.
So, here are women who once didn't want children but ended up changing their minds, living with zero regrets:
Note: This post doesn't reflect a universal experience and opinion women have of motherhood. Everyone's story is different.
Note: Some submissions include topics of abortion and mental illness. Please proceed with caution.
1."Looking back, it was grief that shifted my perspective. I suffered the loss of my dad, brother, and sister within six years. I can honestly say if they were still alive, I don’t know if I would have decided to have kids. It was a perspective shift with the last death in my family. I’m 38 and am preparing for my first child. I’m enjoying the solitude and peace before my little one gets here, and I cannot wait for his arrival. I’m still nervous and anxious about it all, and I hope I am a good parent. Pregnancy itself has been a change that has taken some of my freedom away, but I don’t regret it one bit."
2."For me, it was complicated. I was told at 20 that I could never have kids and never get pregnant, so I kind of made that a ‘life choice’ by embracing not wanting kids. But when I met my husband, we decided to try anyway. I didn’t have a lot of hope for it because I was already 35, but now I’ve got two kids. I didn’t realize how much I wanted kids until I was pregnant that first time. It was hard to deal with the excitement and anger at being told I couldn’t have kids because it seriously changed my life decisions. Anyway, I am so happy to have kids — I think it’s one of my big life’s purposes, not as a woman but as a person. I have things I want to teach and share with my kids, and provide for them."
"But on the flip side, it can be extremely difficult. You lose your body in pregnancy in my experience — it’s no longer yours, and you kind of 'give up your beauty' in a way. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but I feel like I’ve forever lost the sexy body I once had, and no amount of diet or working out can bring it back because it’s been 'ruined.' That makes me sad."
3."I was in an abusive marriage, even though I didn't view it as such at the time. I just knew I couldn't see a happy future with children there. Fast forward, I got divorced and met someone who is wonderful, kind, and supportive. They would absolutely make a wonderful co-parent. We're engaged and talking about fertility options now. For me, it was the fact that I didn't want a bad co-parent — with my ex-husband's emotional outbursts, it was already like having a child. How could he have possibly raised one, and how could I ever forgive myself for bringing a child into that environment?"
4."I was married for nine years when I started feeling differently. I realized that all the reasons why I never wanted kids was because of my parents and my friends who had kids. I matured and realized that I was not them, and I didn’t have to be that pre-conceived notion of a mother. In the end, I loved my life and the little family I created with my husband and dog. Then I started to think it would be nice to have another person to love in that little family. After a while, I voiced this to my husband, and he told me that he also started feeling a longing that he didn’t know what it was. But he started daydreaming about having a little kid to show how to play soccer or to help with homework."
"We were very stable financially, and in our relationship. We would travel, we would go out, but we were not going out as much. The wild night life already lost its spark on us. My husband shared all the responsibilities, and he was such a good dad to our dog.
I decided to give it a try — my daughter came really fast (on our first try). I don’t regret it at all. I love my life, I love her, and I love our family. I really enjoy being her mom.
But I have my career, my hobbies, and my friends. We still travel and go out to nice places (and yes, we take her because she learned ever since she was six months old how to behave, and she eats the same things I eat, within reason).
Sometimes it's hard, but like, so what? Everything in life that is worth it has its challenges.
I don’t regret it, but it's also a personal choice — I believe it isn't for everyone."
5."My sister is a widow, and when she got deployed with the army, my toddler niece came to live with my husband and me for a year. I have always loved being her aunt, but my husband grew immeasurably as a person when he took on a more active role as her uncle. Still, I was looking forward to going back to that fun aunt role. When we resumed our child-free life, my husband missed 'being a dad.' I put him off for years, but eventually, I agreed it was now or never because of my age. We both agreed that we would not pursue any kind of fertility treatment but that I would get my IUD out, and we would give it a year."
"Whelp, one month later, I became pregnant. Pregnancy sucked, and I am still recovering physically, so we are one and done. I HATED the newborn and infant phases with all of my being and often wondered if I had made a mistake. That all changed once our son started walking and talking. Now he is my adventure buddy, and I know we made the right choice.
I still miss how my body used to be and my free time to pursue my hobbies, but I am beginning to share my passions with my son (mountain biking, skiing, hiking), and it is sheer joy watching him ride his bike down a trail screaming, 'More downhill! More downhill!'
Before I agreed to take this step, my husband and I had some very frank conversations. I had some strict boundaries around needing to be equal partners, making sure we both had time to pursue our passions, and making sure my career would be impacted as little as possible.
Only after those issues were resolved was I willing to move forward with having a child. If he had pressured me, I probably never would have agreed, but he was more thoughtful about this than anything else."
6."Up to when I was 24 years old, I was convinced I'd never want children. Then suddenly, something changed. I don't know if it was hormones or treating the depression I had from my early teens. Then, whenever I saw children, I just felt love and admiration and couldn't wait to shower a child of mine with all the love I had. To read to them, listen to them, and support them. I don't have any children yet, but that's because it's a bit difficult for me and my partner. It's also not the right time, I think — we need a bigger apartment, and I need to finish university and get a job. I don't know if I can handle university and a child at the same time, and if I should secure a job before I get pregnant."
"Anyway — if you want children, you'll know. You'll see children and you'll feel so much love it feels desperate. I guess some women only feel that way towards their own children, but this is how it is for me."
7."I was in my late twenties and saw the way my newborn nephew looked up at his mom. I thought that that was the only moment of pure love I had ever seen. I wanted to feel that love. I changed my mind and decided I wanted to have kids with the right person. Then, when I was 31, my boyfriend knocked me up accidentally, and I was just like, 'Okay, well, now I'm a mom,' and I instantly was filled with love. There are times when I want to go back and stop myself from having children. I don't think I would do it again if I were given the choice — I'm not sure. Default parenting is a real thing, and even with the best of partners, you can still suffer from it. My career takes a backseat, and the kids guilt you because they are just as much products of society as they are sometimes products of you. I love my children to death, but I feel like I can't win."
8."I changed my mind about having biological children after having two step-children. If you aren't 100% on board, do not have kids. It's SO much work, and even in the best of families, moms do 75% of it (in the worst case situations, they do 150% because their husbands suddenly become little babies you also need to clean up after)."
9."I got married when I was 25, and waited about eight years to have kids. When I was young, I never wanted to have kids, and I was suspicious during my marriage whether or not I wanted to have one. My main reason was I would lose the freedom to do what I wanted whenever I wanted. But in recent years, we became more financially stable, got a house, my friends started to have kids, and I started to think that my lifestyle was already very stable and I could manage to take care of a child without changing much in my life. I am not 25 anymore, and do not enjoy the activities that twenty-somethings do."
"My husband is also a very responsible person, and I trust him 100%. We had our first baby two weeks ago, and everything is going well so far. My family, his family, and he is helping me a lot. I feel so happy and secure in my new life.
I look at my baby and feel very proud of myself and my husband (it’s a boy). I feel that I will never regret with my choice."
10."I was child-free until I was 24 when I decided that if I got pregnant, maybe it wouldn't be the end of the world. At 25, I got pregnant and planned on having an abortion. I remember being on the fence about it, and at the appointment, they did an ultrasound, and I saw that tiny little bean. I changed my mind. I'm in my thirties now with two boys, and I'm so, so happy with my decision. It was hard at first because of my past and mental illness, but I went to therapy and got on medication, and my husband and his family have been really supportive. I think if I didn't have the support I had, things would've been very different."
"I also want to say please don't feel bad if you don't want kids. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. I LOVE my kids and wouldn't change a thing, but it isn't something to take lightly."
11."I didn't want kids because I didn't think I'd ever meet a man who would be an equal partner in parenting. I didn't think my mental health could bear being under so much stress from being the only functional parent. What changed my mind was seeing my now-husband engage in the care labor of people voluntarily and how he threw himself into it in full force. If he could care for his aging grandparents, help his mother when she broke both of her legs, and help my brother with his mental health struggles, that would be a good sign he wouldn't shy away from caring for a child. We have a toddler, and so far, I've been proven right about this intuition. I think if someone doesn't want kids for material reasons, that could change. There is a chance they'll change their minds — this is what happened to me. This isn't a guarantee, and nobody should assume they will. It's safer to assume they will not."
12."I switched to wanting kids recently. It's because of stability, seeing good examples of family life with kids, going through a life-changing trauma that gave me tools and self-knowledge to handle anything else, and ultimately having a good partner. I really needed everything set up even to consider it."
13."I’m in my second marriage right now and currently expecting my first kid. For YEARS, I was adamantly child-free. Partially due to being younger and just not wanting what I saw as the noisy, thankless drudgery of mom life, but also due to the long-term relationship I was in, as well as not wanting to 'ruin my body.' With my ex-husband, having kids just sounded draining and totally unappealing. I absolutely did not want to have kids in that relationship. I didn’t realize it at the time, but he was a person with alcoholism, and I’m sure that was a big lurking reason why I felt I wouldn’t want kids at that point. He wanted kids but couldn’t really explain why, and I really didn’t want kids. Drama ensued, and we eventually split."
"Things are totally different with my now-husband. I went into the relationship mostly leaning childfree, ambivalent at best. But seeing what a wonderful partner my husband is, along with that pesky biological clock, got me thinking really hard about the subject of kids. The idea of 'ruining my body' by having a baby suddenly became less of a worry because we all age in the end, right?
We casually tried, got pregnant right away, but miscarried. Going through the miscarriage made me realize I absolutely did want to try for a kid, and I’d feel like I was missing something if we didn’t try again. Here we are now, the first kiddo due in January."
14."I projected out to old age and asked myself what experience I would grieve if I didn’t have it. It was motherhood — I am now a mother of a nine-year-old boy. I genuinely never wanted kids or to get married, and I did both (I’m now divorced). I thought that if I didn’t 'attempt' motherhood, I’d probably feel a lot of sorrow and grief in old age. I’m happy with one child, and I do NOT want to have another. I know there are no guarantees in life — I simply took a risk on myself and hoped for the best. However, now that I’m in my late thirties and not in my 'fearful' twenties, I would have been fine without a child. There’s so much about life and myself I didn’t know. Had I focused on healing and not trying to recreate the childhood I didn’t have, I may have stayed childless and ended up very content. I don’t think one is better than the other. It’s simply a different lifestyle."
15."I wasn't completely motivated to have kids, which also went for my husband. I got married at a fairly young age (23). I was and am happy I did so. However, I never had any real desire to have children and even considered not having them. When my father died suddenly, it only served to prolong my desire to have kids, but it also made me realize that life is short and you can't plan for everything. More importantly, it cemented my deep personal conviction that life is about people. I never wanted to lay on my deathbed and regret that I chose 'convenience' and 'personal comfort' over people I could have in my life. So, I decided to go for it! Life's an adventure, and children can be one of those adventures."
"Yes, my kids are the greatest worry in my life. I constantly think about their well-being. They are my greatest inconvenience, and they can make my life hell-ish more often than not. But I see the people they're becoming, and that is an indescribable feeling."
16.And, "I was always neutral, more on the side of child-free all my life. Through therapy, I realized a lot of my misgivings came from growing up in an unstable and poor environment. I was 'parentified' to hell. My mom struggled with money and worked multiple jobs, and my dad was an awful person. I raised my younger siblings on my own. I helped carry my mom’s burdens. I realized that was unresolved trauma. I am aware of the things that have been done wrong, and I can give my children a childhood I never enjoyed."
"I think I will be a much better parent than what I grew up with, and I know my partner can support and encourage that. If these revelations and traits had never happened, I would still be firmly child-free."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
