The 15 most irritating things about airports
It’s that time of year again when millions of us traipse towards the departure gate, bound for sunnier climes and a beachside hotel. But before we can board the plane, we have to undergo the trial by fire that is the Airport Retail & Entertainment Experience; the modern equivalent of that great medieval test of truth, only with a little less of the fire, swords and torture – and few more overpriced perfumes with names like Ambience! and Vanilla Ghost.
It is a source of delight to some; of plentiful irritation to lots of others. Why? Here are 15 of the many reasons why the duty-free section and its various allies might get your goat...
The Windowless Maze of Despair
Back in the annals of Greek legend, Ariadne gave Theseus a ball of gold thread to mark his path through the labyrinth. You pretty much need the assistance of a mythological Minoan princess to find your way around the maze which now confronts every passenger straight after security. Looking to catch your flight on time, sir? Great that you’re up for a challenge! Do 14 laps past the Temple of Flavoured Vodkas, and if you get lost by the Wall of Insanely Priced Brandy, retrace your steps to the Towers of Identical Sunglasses.
The Perfume Ambush
Theseus only had to battle the Minotaur. He would have been no match for the army of rictus-grinning young men and women, stepping forward at every corner to distract him with cardboard strips infused with the latest “lifestyle fragrances”. A fearsome man-bull is one thing. The combined aromas of jasmine, apple blossom and whatever it is that Johnny Depp attempts to flog in that advert with the guitar and the CGI wolves are quite another.
“Cheaper than high street prices”
Yeah. Which high street? Rodeo Drive?
Water torture
We are a sustainable airport. We believe in responsible travel. This is why we’ve installed water fountains in our terminals. Where? Venture down the gloomy service corridor, take the freight lift to the fifth floor and ask for Nigel (Tuesdays only). Alternatively, choose from 77 brands of bottled water in these giant fridges. Something something, 20 per cent recycled plastic.
Having to listen to music by the recycling bins
Brilliant brainwave, this. Last month, Heathrow announced a series of summer concerts that will see young hopefuls given a stage in Terminal Five – and a chance to impress any high-flying record-label executives who happen to be jetting into the UK for festival season.
Because that’s just what a suited type wants, immediately after falling off an 11-hour flight from LA, and just before trundling off to the Glastonbury or Reading mud – the opportunity to listen to “the new Ed Sheeran” amid the whirr of the coffee machines at the nearest outlet of That International Sandwich Franchise, a mere two metres away.
And it’s what passengers want too.
“Is our flight to Athens delayed – or departing from a new gate? I’d hate to miss it because we aren’t paying attention.”
“I don’t know, my dearest darling one. I couldn’t hear the announcement – because Jeff over there was doing some beat-boxing. Never mind. Let’s just stay here and watch “the new Dua Lipa” do some lip-synching.”
Having to play music for bored passengers by the recycling bins
Brilliant brainwave, this. You’re a young hopeful with serious plans to make it in the music industry, and a raft of original songs to match. Unfortunately, your agent has signed you up for an “impromptu” Heathrow gig in the middle of the summer.
Thirty years from now, you will still wake up screaming in the middle of the night, recalling the day your own personal music died as a four-year-old smeared ice-cream all over your amp.
Epic data harvesting
“Hi. I would like to buy this single packet of old-fashioned sweets for my short flight.”
“Excellent sir. Please scan your boarding pass, present us with the names of all your relatives, alive or dead, for the last four generations, and add an e-mail address for each.”
“Competitive exchange rates”
Had Charles Dickens been writing A Christmas Carol today, he’d have had Scrooge on an airport currency desk. And completely unrepentant. “I don’t care if you’re the Ghost of Christmas Future. It’s 92 Euro-cents to the pound. Do you want the buy-back option?”.
Trite regional souvenirs
Nothing says “I had such a good time while I was away that I didn’t think to buy you a gift before I got to the airport; will this do?” than biscuits in an over-styled tin featuring Victoriana illustrations of seven villages you haven’t been to. At £2.25 a shortbread slice.
The gargantuan chocolate bar
Only seen in airports. Sponsored by your nearest private dentist and his fillings supplier.
Seafood roulette
You’re about to be locked into a metal tube for the next nine hours. What you really need is a crustacean breakfast at the oyster counter in an airport a full 75 miles from the ocean.
The celebrity-chef restaurant…
The blurb: “Here at Angelino’s, we serve delicacies with all the finesse that double-Michelin-starred culinary supremo Massimo Angelino has brought to his empire of restaurants. Gourmet dishes, inspired by his Sicilian upbringing. Paradise on a plate.”
The translation: “Chef Angelino’s 21-year-old trainee sous-chef phoned in the menu about six years ago. Angelino hasn’t been within 500 miles of us. We mainly do burgers.”
…with restaurant-quality service
“Thank you. That was lovely. Could I pay, please? I have a plane to catch.”
“Absolutely. I’ll be back in 25 minutes with the bill, and a further 50 with the credit-card swiper.”
The incongruity of it all
Bottle of perfume in the duty-free maze: Damask Rose. Hints of citrus and spice. A-list actress-model parroting a catchphrase. #LivingYourBestLife. Just £129.99 for 100ml.
Bottle of perfume in the X-ray scanner 10 metres away: HUGE SECURITY BREACH! LOWER THE SHUTTERS! CALL THE SWAT TEAM! RELEASE THE HOUNDS!
The duty-free exception to the carry-on rule
Airlines: One carry-on bag only; 3mm by 5mm by 6mm. If it doesn’t fit under the seat, it’ll have to go in the hold, for an administration fee of £60. If you complain, you will be de-planed and made to walk to your destination.
Airports: Buy all our splendid duty-free stuff. Buy as much as you can carry. Then wedge it into the overhead bins, squashing everybody else’s luggage. We don’t care. Ker-ching!
This article was first published in August 2023 and has been revised and updated.
