12 of the worst insomnia 'cures'

Annabel Rivkin and Emilie McMeekan
The Midult's guide to... insomina - Brand New Images

Perky or tired? Big tired or little tired? We cannot assume anything about your relationship with sleep but, really, who sleeps? Here are just a few  of the things we have tried so far this year to help. With sleep. Or lack thereof. Sleep. One word. Such power.

Here are just a few of the things we have tried so far this year to help us sleep. Sorry, are we repeating ourselves?

1. Night-time yoga

This was in itself an act of desperation, seeing as we have been swerving the old namaste for years. But there is a relatively non-annoying YouTuber called Adriene from Texas, whose classes are both free and tolerable. So, wholeheartedly, we tried one. And fell asleep at 11pm. Until 2am. So that was that. 

2. Not drinking water after 6pm

Because, well, bladders. Bladders that are clearly the size of lentils. So we wake parched at 3am and reach for the water, knocking it over on to (or, more accurately, into) our laptop. 

3. A continental sleep clinic

Off we went in good faith. A discreet tablet was placed under our mattress  to measure REM. The next morning  it showed that we had slept for one  hour and 57 minutes. ‘You are going to have a heart attack!’ barked the sleep counsellor. ‘You need medical help!’ We thought that was why we were here. ‘This programme is not for you!’ So why did we carve out three days and get on  a plane to come here? We left early and arrived home utterly deranged and too broken to be cross.

4. Positive mental attitude

‘I am a brilliant sleeper. I sleep beautifully, completely. The night gives me everything I need. I will never have trouble sleeping again. I will wake up rested, refreshed and ready for my day. I have an actual talent when it comes to sleep. I am gifted with regard to sleep.’ How do you think that went?

‘I am a brilliant sleeper. I sleep beautifully, completely' Credit: Getty Images

5. Brandy and a biscuit

Lovely drift off and then a parched, sugar-low sit-bolt-upright moment at 3am… And the rest of the night to luxuriate in death fantasies while trying to pull out a chin hair.

6. Cough and cold mixture

We sleep the sleep of the dead. Followed by the hangover of the mighty. Except we are clearly not mighty. Driving, talking and thinking are pretty much impossible for the next 48 hours.  We call it green honey: the nectar of  the devil.

7. Sleep hygiene

No screens. No telly. No laptop. No phone. No Kindle. No iPad. No sleep. 

8. Meditation App

Is this man’s voice sexy or sinister? Did we defrost the chicken? Is this elbow pain cancer? Clear the mind, clear the mind, clear the mind. Wake up at 3am with headphones tied in a tourniquet around neck. That’s relaxing.

Could meditation help clear the mind...? Credit: Getty Images

9. Hypnosis

We were definitely hypnotised in that chair. We remember nothing so it must have worked. We are feeling quietly confident. We can feel our brain has been somehow rewired. It’s a miracle. We are cured. That twilight, heart-poundy, adrenalin-charged chapter  of our life is over. Glory be. We tuck ourselves in and drift off… until 3am.

10. Hormones

Aha. We are in our early 40s. The beginning of the sleepless years. We shall conquer our hormones and we shall prevail. We will turn the perimenopausal years into a power surge. The hormones do help with the anxiety and our hair seems thicker and our attitude is powerful. And we sleep through ’til? Yup, you guessed it… again.

11. Cutting out coffee

Our acupuncturist says that it does evil things to our liver and that we will see and feel the difference when we eliminate this demon from our life. Our system will entirely realign and all will be well and we shall sleep the sleep of the virtuous and the blessed. Tried it. For  a week. Now pass the triple-capp and shut up. Please. 

12. Lavender

Eff off.

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