12 Things Not To Say To Someone Who Has ADHD
There has been a surge in adult ADHD diagnoses in recent years, so it’s not surprising if you’re starting to feel like everyone you know suddenly has the condition.
Dr. Ryan Sultan, a psychiatrist at New York-Presbyterian hospital, explained that there are a number of reasons for the uptick. First, there has been an increase in recognition and awareness of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder symptoms, including those that don’t fit the stereotypical profile of a child who can’t stay in his seat at school. We now know that ADHD can present differently in women and girls, as well as that it isn’t necessarily a condition that people grow out of as they age. Adults struggle with symptoms, too; increased awareness means that some of them are only now getting treatment for challenges they have lived with their entire lives.
In addition, Sultan told HuffPost that “the fast-paced, multitasking nature of today’s world, combined with the constant barrage of information and distractions from technology,” can “exacerbate underlying ADHD symptoms or bring them to light in ways that wouldn’t have been as apparent in the past.”
Whether people are only now experiencing symptoms of ADHD because of the way we operate in the world today or just now realizing that some of their past struggles could be attributed to ADHD, it’s true that more people are seeking an official diagnosis — and treatment.
Andrew Kahn, a psychologist and associate director at Understood.org, told HuffPost that he did a huge number of ADHD evaluations for adults during the pandemic. He believes that discussion of the topic on social media at the time led many people to think, “‘Could this be me? Is this something that I’m going through?’”
It’s important not to assume that a high number of diagnoses means that they’re incorrect ones.
“While the increasing prevalence of ADHD diagnoses might raise concerns about overdiagnosis, it’s important to recognize that many people who now receive a diagnosis truly need support. The demands of modern life can push individuals with borderline or mild symptoms over the threshold into clinically significant impairment,” Sultan said.
It’s certain that you know someone in your professional or personal life who has ADHD (whether they have disclosed this to you or not). We spoke with Sultan, Kahn and other advocates about things you should avoid saying to people who have ADHD and general misconceptions about the diagnosis.
1. ‘ADHD is a problem only kids have.’
“Historically, ADHD was often seen as a childhood disorder that people ‘grew out of,’” Sultan said. “We now understand that it can persist into adulthood.” This creates challenges for people in school, at their workplace, and in their home lives. Some couples have even found that undiagnosed ADHD was a major source of their marital strife.
2. ‘You’re too smart to have ADHD.’
It’s true that some (but not all) people with ADHD struggle academically, but this is a result of their executive functioning symptoms, not their intelligence. Executive functioning refers to the work our brain does “to plan, prioritize, manage time and regulate emotions,” Sultan said.
With effort (sometimes an enormous amount), people with ADHD may be able to surmount these executive functioning challenges and earn high grades in school and admission to competitive colleges. But that doesn’t mean it was easy.
Saying something like this “dismisses the lifelong struggle that someone with ADHD has had to go through in order to reach any of those achievements,” Jesse J. Anderson, creator of the Extra Focus newsletter and an ADHD advocate, told HuffPost. “Having ADHD doesn’t preclude you from taking on big challenges in life. It just means that it was likely much more difficult and a lot of the struggles were hidden behind the scenes.”
It’s worth repeating that there isn’t a correlation between ADHD and intelligence.
“People with ADHD have similar intellects to people who don’t,” Kahn said. “There is no evidence it has to do with lower IQ.”
3. ‘It’s an excuse to be lazy.’
Having ADHD can make task completion a struggle, but it doesn’t necessarily signal a lack of ability or motivation.
“Labeling someone with ADHD as lazy is hurtful and inaccurate,” Sultan said.
What looks like laziness, Kahn said, is actually someone “trying to cope with things that are hard. So avoidance, in this case, can be misinterpreted as laziness when it might actually be paralysis.” Kahn described this paralysis as a state of being stuck, which might appear to outsiders as a refusal to follow instruction or a lack of effort.
Using the word lazy “labels the difficulties that come with ADHD as some sort of moral failing, as if it’s a conscious choice,” Anderson said. “We desperately want to do the right thing, but there is a blocker that can make it feel nearly impossible to move into action.”
4. ‘Why can’t you just focus?’
With ADHD, the inability to focus doesn’t mean a lack of desire to do so.
“This comment implies that focusing is simply a matter of willpower, disregarding the neurological challenges that individuals with ADHD face. It can make the person feel judged, frustrated and misunderstood, as if their struggles are due to a lack of effort,” Sultan said.
5. ‘You seem fine to me.’
Given that the poster child for ADHD has been a hyperactive little boy, there are a lot of people — adults, girls — who don’t fit this stereotype.
“ADHD symptoms aren’t always visible. Many people with ADHD may mask their symptoms or manage them well at times, but that doesn’t mean they don’t struggle,” Sultan said.
6. ‘It’s not that big of a deal.’
“Saying that ADHD isn’t that serious” can be hurtful and offensive, Dani Donovan, author of “The Anti-Planner: How to Get Sh*t Done When You Don’t Feel Like It,” told HuffPost.
The consequences of living with ADHD can cause a huge amount of distress for children and adults, too. Anderson described his experience, saying: “It’s like you’re constantly being quizzed in a class despite never being taught the material, so every day is just another failure, and you never really understand why. People don’t see that you are actually just struggling to fit into what people want of you because your brain doesn’t work the same way as most other people.”
7. ‘You’re overreacting.’
No one likes being told this when they’re upset. In addition, Sultan pointed out that “emotional dysregulation is a common symptom of ADHD.”
“Dismissing someone’s emotional response can make them feel invalidated and ignored,” he said, adding that it can also “increase frustration and make them feel like their experiences don’t matter.”
8. ‘You don’t seem to have any problem focusing on video games/TV/your phone.’
Given that ADHD stands for attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, you’d be forgiven for assuming that it means someone has a deficiency of attention. But the reality is more complicated.
“People with ADHD don’t actually have a deficit of attention,” Anderson said. “We have an abundance of attention, but it is dysregulated attention, which means it can be difficult to aim. Sometimes we even hyperfocus on things, a type of directed attention that’s so intense that we don’t notice other things around us, things like people calling our name, the passing of time, or that we haven’t had anything to eat or drink for hours.”
9. ‘You’re trying to be difficult.’
People who have ADHD aren’t behaving the way they do in order to bother you — their brains simply work differently. Donovan explained that people with ADHD are not trying to make you mad or interrupt you on purpose. A little patience and understanding, plus not taking things personally, can go a long way in your interactions with folks who have ADHD (and, really, everybody else).
10. ‘No, you’re supposed to do it this way.’
ADHD has its challenges, but one advantage it often brings is an out-of-the-box approach to problem solving. Some people with ADHD even refer to their nontraditional thinking as a superpower.
“While there may be something that most people would consider a ‘common sense’ approach, that’s often counter to how the ADHD brain works,” Anderson said. “Rather than judging the method, pay attention to the results. Because of this divergent thinking, people with ADHD are great at finding alternative (often better) ways of solving a problem.”
11. ‘Everyone has a little ADHD.’
Although it’s true that we all have behaviors that are potential signs of ADHD — like “tossing” or an unexpected laundry habit — the degree of intensity and duration is different for people with an ADHD diagnosis.
“We all have those human experiences in varying amounts and degrees,” Kahn said. “It’s when they last a longer period of time and prevent us from doing things we think we should be able to do, then that’s where the difference comes into play.”
12. ‘Have you tried using a to do list/planner?’
Organization can be a challenge for anyone, but for people with ADHD, the problem runs deeper.
“Suggesting that it’s a simple fix overlooks the difficulties in executive functioning that many people with ADHD face,” Sultan said.
Anderson recalled how something like this has happened to him before.
“When I spoke to my doctor about ADHD for the first time, he beckoned me over to his desk like he was about to show me some life-changing knowledge about ADHD that would change everything for me,” he said. “Instead, he just showed me the Outlook calendar on his laptop, as if using a calendar app was a brand new concept to me and was going to cure my ADHD.”
“I guarantee you that a person with ADHD has tried just about every single productivity trick you can think of,” he continued. “We know ‘what’ we should do, the problem is that ADHD makes it difficult to do what we know.”
