20 Important Things to Tell Your Daughter Before She Turns 13
Time flies is a saying that parents might relate to most of all. After all, while everyone can appreciate and become nostalgic about the passage of time, parents have living, breathing reminders of just how quickly the days, months, and years go by. Before you know it, your kids are graduating from kindergarten, elementary school, and high school—it’s a process that’s inevitable and yet so hard to prepare for.
Something you can anticipate, though? Your daughter’s 13th birthday. In addition to planning the perfect present to celebrate her entrance into early adolescence, it’s also a good idea to bestow upon her all the lessons you wish you were taught as a young girl. While you can likely think of a few tips off the top of your head, we set out to find the best reminders for teenage girls. In addition to asking around the office, we chatted with NYC-based psychotherapist Mariel Mangold Grossman, LCSW-R. With her unique insight as a therapist and a mother to a young girl, we present you with over a dozen things to tell your daughter before she turns 13. And hey, who knows, maybe some of these reminders will serve as a wonderful note to self, as well.
You can be like cilantro, some people will love you and some people won't like you
“You don't need everyone to like you, that's impossible,” Grossman says. “In life we need a few good friends who understand us, make us feel seen, have our backs, and support us, but challenge us.” If you have that, you should consider yourself lucky. “We're just not going to be everyone's cup of tea, similar to how not everyone else is our cup of tea,” she reiterates.
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I love you, exactly the way you are
When it comes to your kids, you can never say "I love you" enough. Throughout the turbulence of those teen years, she must be aware that she will always find unwavering, unconditional love at home. To this day, I know that no matter what I get myself into, I never have to doubt my family's love for me.
Stay true to yourself
This is perhaps the single most important lesson my mother has ever taught me. At twelve years old, your daughter still has much to learn about herself, but she should always stay true to the "value of her soul," as this blogger puts it. She shouldn't need to change any part of her identity to accommodate or please someone else.
Memories are what matter
The earlier she learns this lesson, the better. Your daughter's teen years are bound to be filled with breakups, best friend drama, failed exams, and everything in between, but the world will not end over any of those things. And, yes, time really will heal all wounds.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help
It’s important that your daughter remembers she’s never alone and can always ask for help. Whether it’s with a new braided hairstyle, her homework, or something more serious like her mental or physical health, be sure that she knows she can always reach out to you, other trusted family members, teachers, or her closest friends. We’re all in this together.
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Don't hold on to resentment
No one is perfect—there's no getting around the fact that people are going to disappoint, upset, or hurt her at some point. But life is simply too short to hold onto anger. Ultimately, whatever that person said or did probably reflects a lot more about them then it does about you. Let it go, forgive, and move on.
Believe that you can
You should be your daughter's biggest cheerleader. Remind her that as long as she works hard, she can accomplish anything. But, most importantly, she needs to truly believe that for herself. “Sometimes we feel we have to live in a box, but only you can put limits on yourself—don’t be afraid to prove others wrong, or better yet, you don’t have to prove anything to anyone, make your accomplishments for you, not others or the nay-sayers,” Grossman says. “Don’t limit yourself to other people’s ideas of what you can achieve. And if you ever have a voice within that says, “You can’t do it”…ask yourself whose voice that is.”
Some friendships won't last forever—and that's okay
Friendships are important, and they should be cherished. But not every 'best friend' you make will be around forever, and that's fine. People change, things happen, and friendships—even the very best ones—can fade completely. But that doesn't make the place they held in your life any less important.
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Happiness comes from you
She shouldn't look to a boyfriend, best friend, or anyone else to define her happiness. Yes, those people can—and should—make her happier, but true happiness starts within.
Don't be afraid to say no
Women are often taught from girlhood that they’re supposed to be polite. With this lesson comes the fear of being judged as rude for saying “No.” It’s imperative, however, that your daughter knows she has every right to decline—hugs from family members, unwanted advances from boys, invitations from friends. Learning how to confidently turn down what she doesn’t want will be a lesson that will serve her all her life.
There is nothing you could do to make me not love you
In addition to making sure your daughter knows just how loved she is, it’s paramount that she knows that love is unconditional. “My love for you is unconditional, it does not rely on grades, how many goals you score, how perfect you are, your accomplishments, whether you mess up, or whether we are in a disagreement,” Grossman says, as an example speech. “I always love you through it all.”
Comparison is the thief of joy
In today’s day and age, it’s so easy to get caught up comparing yourself to people on social media, as well as in real life. There’s a difference between being inspired and being consumed by comparison, though. “Healthy competition can drive us forward, but comparing ourselves to others, or rather our idea of who the other is or what their life is like, can lead us to so much dissatisfaction,” Grossman says. “Not everything needs to be perfect, but we have to find the things in our life that we can appreciate and we need to find and feel gratitude for what we do have in our lives.”
Hurt people, hurt people
Your daughter is bound to encounter people who say or do hurtful things sometime in middle school or high school. One way to help her navigate these situations is to remind her that hurt people, hurt people. “A lot of people's treatment towards you has nothing to do with you, it has to do with something they're struggling with within them,” Grossman says. “Don't take it personally if you can. Similarly, when you're feeling hurt, you should be aware that you may lash out or your judgment may be unclear, so be particularly careful during those times to not take it out on the ones you love in your own life... or if you do, apologize once you realize you have.”
This too shall pass
The earlier she learns this lesson, the better. Your daughter's teen years are bound to be filled with breakups, best friend drama, failed exams, and everything in between, but the world will not end over any of those things. “Life is full of ups and downs—we have good days and bad days—just do your best to put one foot in front of the other during those times, turn to others who care about you for support, and you will get through them,” Grossman encourages. “Hard times also give us grit and build our resilience; they make us who we ultimately are, and my hope for you is that, ultimately, you will like the person you are, regardless of what you've been through.” Moral of the story? Yes, time really will heal all wounds.
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Do what’s right for you, not what you think I think is right for you
In addition to reminding your daughter that she should be true to herself, Grossman says to encourage her to seek what sets her soul on fire without worrying about what you, her siblings, friends, or peers will think. “I want you to find what makes you happy, what makes you satisfied, people who bring you joy… whatever it is that you're looking for,” Grossman shares as an example speech. “Sometimes you may think you're letting me down with your choices, and sometimes you may think you know what I want for you, and feel pressure to do that. But what I ultimately want is for you to follow your passions and interests. There may be times when I argue against a decision you're making that you feel very confident in—I'm not perfect, and sometimes I'll forget that you need to do what's best for you. So please remember this even in those times when I forget.”
Be careful online
Even if you have parameters around social media, chances are, your daughter has been exposed. The trouble with social media being as prevalent as it is is that everything on the internet has a footprint—young kids and teenagers often forget that. On your daughter’s 13th birthday, remind her of the importance of posting with care, both on her feed in the comments sections and in direct messages with others. Additionally, remind her that not everyone is as they seem online. It’s best to scroll mindfully to avoid unwanted encounters.
Take care of the earth and others… and yourself
When kids become teenagers, their minds expand, and they’re able to better comprehend their role in the world. As such, a thirteenth birthday is the perfect time to teach your daughter to live with care for herself, for her friends and family, for passersby, and for the planet as a whole.
I'm not perfect, being a mom is hard
End on a note of accountability and empathy—remind your daughter that you’re doing your best, but you know that you won’t always hit the mark. “I'm not perfect, but I'm trying my best,” Grossman shares as a speech starter. “There will be times when I say the wrong thing, do something that may hurt you, am not there when you need me, or make the wrong decision. You can always talk to me if this happens, and I will do my best to see your point of view, not get defensive, reflect, and talk it through. I would never want to hurt you in some way, and for you to not feel you can come to me to talk about it. I also know I may be stressed sometimes and you may see I have a lot on my plate, but your stress and feelings are never too much for me; you don't need to worry about what I can take on, I'm here to be your mom first and foremost.”
I value your opinion
You may not always agree with her, but listen to what she has to say. She should know you'll be there to hear her out even when she feels nobody else is listening.
You're beautiful
During a time when so much emphasis is put on image, remind her that regardless of her skin color, pant size, hair color, or any other aspect of her appearance, she's beautiful just the way she is. True beauty comes from confidence, and everything else (haircuts, manicures, etc.) is just for fun.
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