How to Be Like Elsa and Let It Go, According to Therapists
Let go: It’s a mantra engraved on crystal-shop tchotchkes, blazoned across social media posts, and spoken by yoga teachers nationwide as you move into pigeon pose.
It’s also what sends people to the couch in their therapist’s office. After all, the two-word instruction doesn’t come with a how-to guide.
One of therapy’s main benefits is getting an outsider’s perspective in determining which people and areas of your life are holding you back. We asked therapists for the 8 things they wish everyone knew about letting go.
1. You often have to grieve before you can let go
Who doesn’t wish they could let it go as fast as Elsa can sing it? Alas, letting go isn’t like ripping off a Band-Aid. It’s a process, and it takes time.
Whether it’s moving on from a relationship, a past event you can’t stop thinking about, or a vision of a future that is no longer going to happen, grieving is an important step of the process.
“We need to allow ourselves time and space to feel sad about what we lost or a dream that wasn’t realized,” says psychotherapist and codependency expert Sharon Martin, LCSW, author of The Better Boundaries Workbook. “After we grieve, we can work toward acceptance.”
2. Letting go too soon can be just as unhealthy as holding on too long
If you’re thinking, I always let go quickly and I’m good, we’d ask: Did you actually move on or did you just bury your feelings? The latter is a common result when you don’t work through your emotions, says psychologist Alexandra Jacowitz, Psy.D., co-founder of P.S. Therapy, a private therapy practice in Brooklyn, New York.
Here’s an example you’re doing the ostrich thing: Say you’ve decided it’s over with an ex named Robert. Any time thoughts about Robert come up, you immediately find something else to do. Truth is, you’re purposely distracting yourself.
“It’s important to process big events,” Dr. Jacowitz says. And if you don’t do it in real time, you may find yourself caught off guard when your emotions eventually surface—like at a friend’s anniversary or at dinner with someone new.
3. There’s real purpose in the struggle
Sitting with uncomfortable feelings can be a gift. Dr. Jacowitz says it’s one of those things most people don’t realize. “When there are deep feelings associated with our thoughts, it’s important to pay attention to them,” she says. “This is where growth comes from.”
But … how? And why? Difficult thoughts are like boiling water in a kettle. Without a steam valve, that kettle’s going to blow. Push down your thoughts, and you better prepare for a FEELING EXPLOSION when you’re least expecting it.
Instead, attempt to understand what your feelings are telling you, suggests Dr. Jacowitz. If you’ve been grappling with letting go of job frustrations, this could be a ding-ding-ding it’s time to look for a new gig. Struggling to lessen anxiety? Could it be linked to a past trauma you’ve never acknowledged or worked through?
Questions like these can lead to powerful moments of self-discovery, especially if explored with another thoughtful human with a degree in these things (a.k.a. a therapist)
GOTTA READ: Should You Break Up With Your Therapist?
4. There’s a difference between analyzing and dwelling
Are you listening to your feelings intently—or obsessing without an end benefit? “If you’re metaphorically hitting your head against the wall ruminating on the same thing over and over and it’s not serving you, it’s important to recognize that,” Dr. Jacowitz says. To be clear…
Dwelling is replaying the same situation or “I should have”s in your head without getting anything out, and it’s doing more harm than good.
Analyzing is looking back at something and thinking about what you learned from it, which you can put into practice moving forward.
Of course, just kiboshing your obsessive thoughts is no small feat—especially, says Dr. Jacowitz, if they involve something as heavy as divorce or the end of a crucial friendship. If the thoughts become intrusive or all-consuming and they’re making you feel worse about yourself, it’s worth it to seek out a mental health professional.
5. You will never fully let go of some things—and that’s okay
It’s a life truth, if hard to take: There are some experiences you may never fully move past, such as the death of a loved one. “While grief may change over time, it can be with you a lifetime,” Dr. Jacowitz says. In this way, letting go doesn’t mean living a grief-free life. It means learning how to deal with that grief and being able to live a full life.
Unfortunately, there’s no fast-forward button for grieving. And while time certainly does not heal all wounds (bye, false platitude), its passing can help with processing and even growing from grief, says Dr. Jacowitz. If it’s been a year or more and you’re just as preoccupied with the loss, she suggests seeing a therapist to help.
6. It’s normal to feel regret, even when you’re the ender of a relationship
Anyone who’s been in any romantic relationship at any point in their life won’t have a hard time understanding anything about this: One of the most common therapy topics is knowing if and when to leave a relationship.
But here’s what fewer people understand: Even when you’re the one who’s decided that ending the relationship is best, regret is practically standard. This doesn’t mean you should have stayed together; it’s a natural reaction to entering an unknown chapter. “It’s normal to have regrets and feel unsure,” says Martin. “Be gentle with yourself.”
7. Your future probably never looks exactly like you’d envisioned
There are a million cliché things we could say, but instead we’ll just remind you that we all have dreams and they don’t all come true in the exact way we’d pictured. “If you had a very specific vision or plan for how you wanted your life to go, you may need to let go of the particulars,” Martin says.
Once you accept your vision board isn’t an A-to-B roadmap for reality, you can let go of trying to control every aspect of your future, which can be immensely freeing. Not to mention the way it opens you up to possibilities you’d never even considered. “There may be other paths to the same outcome, whether that outcome is happiness, parenthood, success, or something else,” Martin says. “It’s helpful to be flexible.”
8. When you can’t loosen your grip, it’s time to examine your fears
What are you actually afraid of? This is a crucial question to ask. “What do you think will happen if you don’t try to control things?” says Martin. “Analyze whether your fear is likely to come to pass, and consider other ways to think about the situation.”
Along with the 825 other things they benefit, mindfulness practices—such as meditation, journaling, and gratitude—can also help with letting go of control. Why? Because their end result is increased calm, which leads to clearer thinking vs being a control overlord out of anxious fear.
We’ll say it again: If you’re still clinging as tightly as Saran Wrap to a half-eaten bagel sandwich, it really may be time to see a therapist. “Letting go isn’t easy or straight-forward,” Dr. Jacowitz says. “Working through difficult emotions is nuanced and complicated. And it’s different for everyone.”
Want more real-world tips for mental health? Sign up for our newsletter and get Mental in your inbox!
The post How to Let Go of Past Relationships, Layoffs, and Other Trauma appeared first on Mental.
