10 Powerful Things You Can Do To Support Your Sober Partner
Being in a relationship with a sober person when you’re not sober yourself may seem intimidating at first. Perhaps you’re unsure how to navigate certain situations (Can I have a glass of wine in front of them? Will we still do Friday happy hour with our friends?) and how to show up as a loving, considerate presence in their life.
Whether your partner was already sober when you started dating or got sober while you were together, we’ve gathered some advice that will help you support them. Of course there’s no one-size-fits-all playbook, but these suggestions from sober folks and a therapist who specializes in addiction issues are a good place to start.
1. Ask them directly how you can best support them.
“Maybe you’ve wondered what the rules are around your partner’s sobriety. Perhaps you’re scared to drink around them, or you don’t know if wine is a problem for someone who was addicted to heroin. Maybe you’re wondering if it’s OK to offer up one of your CBD edibles when your partner is nervous about flying or having trouble sleeping. There is no across-the-board answer to these questions, so simply ask your partner what’s OK for them.” —Laura Cathcart Robbins, author of “Stash” and host of the “The Only One in the Room” podcast
2. Be mindful of where they are in their sobriety journey.
“When I have some time under my belt, I’m OK being around alcohol and genuinely am not bothered. For example, I can’t speak to all sober people’s experience, but for myself, I needed a little extra consideration in early days and after a relapse. I need time away from spaces where alcohol is the predominant reason for being there.
Once, I told a partner I needed to get some sobriety built up and wouldn’t be able to be in bars for a bit. He was a musician and was the sound guy at a local venue, and his response was, ‘I love you, care about you, and want you in my life, but I spend my life in bars. How realistic is that?’
Needless to say, things did not end well — I tried to accommodate him, which was foolish, and it resulted, naturally, in relapses — plural. A reminder not to forfeit your boundaries for anyone; people who truly love you wouldn’t expect you to.” — Brooke Knisley, writer
There is no across-the-board answer to these questions, so simply ask your partner what’s OK for them.Laura Cathcart Robbins, author of “Stash”
3. Be respectful of their boundaries.
“I think it’s important to let your sober partner set parameters for themselves, and then to respect them. For instance, if the sober partner wants to leave a party early because they feel uncomfortable, respect that.
Or, similarly, understanding why a sober partner might not want to go to a specific event because it may be difficult and/or unpleasant for them. Some events, like a wedding where you don’t know a ton of people, might be experienced totally different between a sober and not sober person. So it’s always important to keep that point of view in mind and to respect when a sober person feels like they want to go home.
For those situations, it’s also helpful for sober people to express what they need in terms of support. For instance, personally, I am very comfortable telling my partner when I want to leave. And when I do that, I have no expectation that he will also leave. Those are just norms we have established in our relationship, but a different couple might feel totally differently.” — Seamus Kirst, journalist and author of “Shitfaced”
4. Talk openly, honestly and often.
“More broadly, over-communicating is super important. It’s kind of inevitable that there will be moments where someone who isn’t sober won’t fully understand what could be seen as a trigger for a sober person (and even amongst sober people there is such a spectrum here). So, to me, it is crucial for both partners in the relationship to talk about it.” — Kirst
5. Be an empathetic listener.
“Create a safe environment where the sober partner can discuss their highs and lows on their recovery journey. This may not be a time to try to ‘fix the problem.’ It is important to listen and be a source of nonjudgmental support.” — Catherine J. Mills, clinical psychologist and certified advanced alcohol and drug counselor
6. Do fun things together that don’t revolve around alcohol or drugs.
“Establishing new sober activities and learning new ways to enjoy your time with your sober partner that do not include consuming alcohol. For example, going on walks, hiking, engaging in other forms of physical activity, showing interest in new hobbies and taking vacations in which you both remain sober.” — Mills
7. Don’t make a deal about having a drink or abstaining on their account.
“Earlier this year, I was late for lunch with a colleague who knows that I’m sober. When I approached the table, he covered his margarita with both hands, hunching his body over to shield it from my gaze. And as if this wasn’t odd enough, he started shouting at me across the restaurant, ‘I’m sorry! Be careful, I’ve got a drink!’ Just like one would shout, ‘I’m sorry — be careful, I’ve got a weapon!’ It was both unnecessary and embarrassing.
Conversely, when someone makes a fuss about notdrinking with the intention of making a sober person more comfortable, this typically often serves to make them more uncomfortable. Just offer them the same consideration you would to someone who’s allergic to say, shellfish. Perhaps the allergy might come up, but you’re probably not going to make a big deal about eating a shrimp in front of that person or worry too much about whether or not to order the crab salad at dinner.” — Cathcart Robbins
8. Attend a support group as a couple or on your own.
“Attending Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings or therapy sessions, as needed, with your sober partner is a powerful way to support them. Remember, the sober partner’s relationship with alcohol and their recovery journey is their own journey. But you can support them in many ways, including being honest about how the dynamics in the relationship have changed for you.
Another helpful resource can be found with Al-Anon Family Groups. They provide support to the family members of individuals in recovery.” — Mills
9. Don’t pity them.
“If you invite me to a wedding (P.S., I love a good mocktail menu at a wedding!) I will dance and eat too much cake. I will probably cry when you walk down the aisle. I will socialize and laugh with my tablemates. I will watch with curiosity when there’s drama or laugh when your over-served uncle or cousin starts to breakdance. Please don’t feel sorry for your partner because they’re not hitting the open bar. Remember they get to wake up hangover- and regret-free the next morning.” — Cathcart Robbins
10. Reassure them that they’re not a burden.
“A number of sober individuals feel that they do not want to be a ‘burden’ to their partners. Keep the lines of communication open. Let your sober partner know that you love them and another way you can show your love is to support them in their recovery journey. Love is never a burden.” — Mills
