Why do men wait until crisis point before asking for help?
Chester Bennington, the lead singer of Linkin Park, has tragically been found dead this week. He was just 41 years old and is said to have died of suicide. Here, to help spread awareness about male suicide, we revisit a piece from Samaritans CEO Ruth Sutherland on how men can seek help.
Life has a habit of throwing problems at us that we struggle cope with. While women are often more comfortable talking about these problems, men can wait for the ‘big build’ – the point at which they are in crisis – before asking for help. This is thought to contribute to the scandalously high rate of male suicide, now the biggest single killer of men under 50.
Though men are aware that it is good to talk, they often remain uneasy about doing so. Men are also much less likely to have a positive view about counselling or therapy than women.
"Just 19 percent of men feel that they can talk to other people about their problems" Ruth Sutherland, Samaritans CEO
This is because of the way men are taught, through childhood, to be manly. They learn to believe that struggling to cope is a sign of weakness. These social expectations can end up hurting men terribly, making life much harder than its needs to be when things do go wrong.
For too many, this results in a build-up of excruciating thoughts and feelings that they struggle to talk about, which makes them vulnerable to suicidal crisis. Social perfectionism is – tragically – one of the most influential factors in the high rate of male suicide.
Last year, Samaritans commissioned research into social attitudes around talking as a means to find out more about the issue. We learned that just 19 percent of men felt that they could talk to other people about their problems. This is despite the majority of male respondents saying they were happy to listen to other people who were finding life tough.
Why the discrepancy? And, more importantly, where do we go from here?
We know that it isn’t helpful to simply tell men to feel more comfortable talking about their problems, to be ‘more like women’. Instead, we need to innovate and explore how emotional support can be given in more informal environments. One promising example is a training scheme in London, where barbers are taught to help their clients talk about what is bothering them.
Samaritans is also focussing on developing digital services that we know men prefer. Of course, people can already email us at jo@samaritans.org but we want to offer other tools that make us more accessible in a digital age.
There is also a need though to raise awareness of the problem among men. There is no doubt that social perfectionism is admirable – but sadly, it leaves people vulnerable to crisis when life gets difficult.
Samaritans is launching a campaign today, in an effort to encourage men to explore their feelings as opposed to falling foul of the ‘big build’. The issue is a priority for the rail sector, with men accounting for more than 80 percent of all rail suicides.
The We Listen campaign uses posters across stations in England, Scotland and Wales containing hidden messages where people claiming to be fine reveal that they’re not OK at all.
One says ‘I’m alright with being single I guess. It’s not ideal for the kids, but they seem to be coping’, the real message being, ‘I’m not coping’.
Another says ‘I’m going to be alright. It’s not so bad spending a lot of time alone;’ where the reality is ‘I’m so alone’.
We have launched the campaign to show men just how easy it is hide what is really troubling them and the damaging effect this can have. Samaritans’ message is that ‘We don’t just hear you, we listen’.
Rather than bottling everything up for fear of burdening others, we want men to talk to us. Critically, we need them to contact us before they reach crisis point.
Life can be tough. At times our emotions can be overwhelming and lead to suicidal thoughts. Samaritans helps people explore their feelings and options and find a way through.
We’re not asking men to wear their hearts on their sleeve; if anything talking in confidence helps you take control of what’s bothering you. Above all, we want men to recognise that coping with everything alone can make life feel extremely tough. Please talk to us before the ‘big build’ – before you reach crisis point.
Samaritans’ vision is that fewer people die by suicide. Every six seconds, somebody contacts us for help. You don’t need to hide your feelings from Samaritans, no matter what, you can talk to us.
Whatever you’re going through, call us free any time from any phone on 116 123 (this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill), email jo@samaritans.org, or visit www.samaritans.org to find details of your nearest branch.
