Why the internet can't stop talking about Mel Robbins' Let Them theory
It all began with a 60-second video that life coach Mel Robbins uploaded in 2023. In it, Robbins described a tool called Let Them. You can use it any time you feel a need to change someone, or you're getting upset or something is doing something you don't like. How does it work in practice? Maybe you’re trying to persuade your parents to come for Christmas, but they’ve said no and no again. Simply say to yourself: ‘Let them!’ You’ll feel your need to control them start to loosen. Your partner refuses to join you doing Dry January? Let them! ‘Stop trying to force other people to do what you want them to do,’ Robbins says.
After just a week, more than 14 million people had viewed the video. ‘When something goes viral, it always tells me that it strikes a nerve,’ she says. Robbins is no stranger to success. She has two global bestselling books and a chart-topping podcast. People – including me – love her straight-talking, positive, 100-miles-an-hour approach to self help. But the success of the video was something else, she says. ‘A week after it went up, people started DM-ing me photos of tattoos that read: Let Them. Now, nearly two years later, I’ve seen thousands of pictures of tattoos!’ Back in 2023, wanting to know why so many people loved this tool, Robbins got together with her daughter, Sawyer, to investigate. She’s about to bring out a book on what they found: The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions Of People Can’t Stop Talking About.
The foundations of Let Them
What Robbins and Sawyer found is that underneath these words, there’s a whole world of research and philosophy. There are elements of Detachment Theory, a psychological principle from cognitive behavioural therapy that involves pausing before you act. Instead of letting emotion drive your actions, you are able to witness the emotion, then choose your response. There are also shades of Stoicism – that we can only control our own thoughts and actions. And of Radical Acceptance, a psychological concept rooted in Buddhist philosophy, which says suffering comes from wanting things to be different from how they are. ‘What these two simple words, “Let them,” allow you to do is to apply these concepts to modern life,’ Robbins says. Robbins is talking to me on Teams from Bali, where she’s on the final day of a nine-day trip with her husband, Chris. ‘We haven’t been away for more than a weekend alone since our honeymoon 28 years ago,’ she says.
I comment that her face looks relaxed; is it the holiday, or is it Let Them, I ask? Let Them has played a huge part, she says. ‘I’ve been working a lot on learning how to stop being so high rev – my default,’ she says. Like a lot of us, Robbins confesses she used to spend a lot of time trying to control other people – their actions and reactions. ‘There’s an epidemic of stress that’s draining our energy,’ she says. A lot comes from ‘how often life and other people trigger your emotions. And how easily you allow yourself to lose control of your focus, or to make a fuss about stupid things. The book is here to teach you how to manage stress.’
‘For example, I was talking to my daughter last night and she was frustrated by a dynamic going on with her boyfriend. I immediately wanted to get in there. Then, I thought: “Let them.”' So, Robbins didn’t get involved.
‘I used to try to let things go, but it never worked,’ she explains. ‘What I love about these two words is that the moment you say them, you create space. It’s almost like you rise above the situation and it helps you detach.’ When did she last use the concept? ‘I use it all day long,’ she says. Then her face cracks into a smile, ‘Today, I used it in a yoga class – one with a funky name,’ she says. ‘The teacher was showing us a weird dance. Chris leant over and said, “This is my nightmare.” I felt bad I’d dragged him to it. But then I thought: “Let them. Let him have his own experience.”’
Let Me: The second part of Let Them
As Sawyer researched Let Them, she discovered it has a downside. ‘Imagine this,’ says Robbins. ‘Your friends go away together and you weren’t invited,’ she says. ‘The old me would stalk their accounts, torture myself, create a story and conclude we were no longer friends.’ Using the Let Them tool helps – but Sawyer discovered it can leave you feeling isolated, she says. ‘We created a crucial second part of the tool, where you say: ‘Let me.’ This next step allows you to look at what is in your control.
‘For the friend situation, ask yourself: “When’s the last time I invited these people out?” If you have invited them, ask: “Why am I chasing people who don’t care about me?”’ Saying Let Me ‘reminds us that we are responsible for our friendships, our marriage, our health, our success at work. It’s where the power is,’ Robbins adds. ‘I can’t wait to get this book into the hands of people who are dealing with online dating,’ she says, adding that the Let Me part for that may be: ‘Why are you with somebody who keeps ghosting you? They’ve been showing you through their behaviour that you don’t matter.’
Letting people be themselves
The chapter in her book that will resonate with all of us is about getting frustrated because other people won’t change. Robbins gives examples: ‘Chris wishes I wouldn’t talk so loud. He wishes I wasn’t so messy!’ A common one she hears is the wish that a partner was healthier. But while we may think we’re being helpful or loving, the person on the receiving end will not. Robbins was amazed to discover that even kindly meant hints, such as buying someone trainers, are perceived by the other person as an attempt to control. ‘And there’s a law of human nature that every single person needs to feel in control of what they think, what they do, what they say and their environment,’ she says. ‘You cannot make someone else change.’
When you use the Let Them tool, you may have to accept the way they are. (Robbins says Chris has done this about her loudness and messiness). But sometimes, when you let go, it allows the other person to find their own route to change, Robbins says. If you want to help them along, there are two things you can do. Firstly, lead by example. You may let a non-exerciser see you enjoying your own workouts. And secondly, try a technique called ‘motivational interviewing’ that Robbins has refined for the book.
The Let Them tool not only works with a partner, but with an annoying boss or a queue held up by a slow person... in fact, any situation where your need to control or a feeling of aggravation rises up.
Living by Let Them has changed Robbins, she says, along with her marriage and her relationships. ‘I think I’m a fun, kindhearted, loving person, but I didn’t realise the extent to which my opinions and feelings about people created distance or tension in my relationships. Let Them has opened me up and created so much peace in my extended family. It has transformed the relationship with my parents, and they haven’t changed at all!’
The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About
The Let Them approach to helping someone change
This technique helps your loved one to see the tension between how they are acting and what they want.
Acknowledge your part in the situation. Then ask open-ended questions. For example, ‘I know I’ve been pressuring you about your weight. I have never asked how you feel about your health. How do you feel about it?’
Back off and observe their behaviour. Let Them! This may be the push they need, ‘to come to their own conclusions and start wanting to do better’.
Celebrate progress while you continue to model the change.
The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions Of People Can’t Stop Talking About (Hay House) by Mel Robbins is out 24 December. Preorder on Amazon.\
This article originally appeared in the January 2025 issue of Red magazine
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