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Why it’s good for you to be sad

Photo credit: Erik Madigan Heck
Photo credit: Erik Madigan Heck

From Harper's BAZAAR

How are you feeling today? ‘Good’? ‘Fine’? ‘Meh’? Or maybe, even, ‘sad’? If it’s the latter, that’s okay – and you’re not alone. Having researched into happiness for the past eight years, I’ve come to realise that sadness is more common than social media might have us believe – and that it’s also taboo.

We’re so obsessed with the pursuit of happiness that many of us are phobic of feeling sad. This is a problem, especially now in the midst of a global pandemic when none of us are really ‘fine’ anymore. We’re all having to sit with unpleasant sensations more or engage in difficult conversations – and, during our lifetimes, we will all experience loss, heartache and disappointment.

After facing some of my own in recent years, I came to realise that we can get happier, too – by learning to be sad, better. Speaking to experts from the worlds of psychology, neuroscience, genetics, nutrition and physiotherapy, I set out on a mission to find out more about sadness and how best to handle it. I spoke to game changers in popular culture - from Deliciously Ella’s Ella Mills on the importance of ‘acceptance’; to This is Going to Hurt’s Adam Kay on having a support network; and Slay in Your Lane’s Yomi Adegoke on authenticity. The science backed up the lived experiences of hundreds of interviewees, so now I’m calling it: pretending ‘everything’s fine’ when it’s not, doesn’t work – and feeling sad can actually be good for us.

Researchers from the University of New South Wales found that accepting and allowing for temporary sadness helps improve our attention to detail, increases perseverance, promotes generosity, makes us more grateful for what we’ve got and even more clear-eyed. When we’re sad, we’re less likely to fall for ‘The Halo Effect’ whereby we think that certain people – usually the beautiful or successful – can do no wrong. We’re also less susceptible to the ‘Fundamental Attribution Error’ - the tendency many of us have to believe others are intentional when they make mistakes or say something wrong. When we’re sad, we’re less likely to think the worst – we are nicer, better people.

Even crying serves a purpose, reducing levels of cortisol – the stress hormone – with those who cry typically experiencing fewer ‘negative aggressive feelings’, like rage and disgust, than those who don’t cry. A study from Indiana University Bloomington found higher levels of self-esteem in criers than in their non-crying, anti-sad counterparts.

Sadness is normal; it’s the temporary emotion that we all feel on occasions when we’ve been hurt or something is wrong in our lives. Depression is a chronic mental illness that needs help. Sadness, on the other hand, can be awakening. It’s a message that can tell us what’s wrong and what to do about it – if we listen.

To do this, we need to slow down – and be kind to ourselves. Pain is still pain, however privileged, and someone experiencing something worse than us doesn’t make our own pain less legitimate. We should shake off unhelpful feelings of shame and stop apologising for our feelings.

Talking to other people helps, too – whether a professional or a friend. The Buddy System isn’t just a handy diving term: it’s an approach to life whereby having a confidant who can listen without judgement can help all of us talk through how we’re feeling – a healthier coping strategy than the alternatives of deprivation or excess (I speak from experience, here, having tried both. You probably have, too). We need to look after ourselves when we’re sad and staying active is a non-negotiable, even on days when we don’t want to get out of bed. Studies show we can manage low moods and even stave off depression by keeping active and doing light exercise. Just 20 minutes a day gives us a 30 per cent reduced risk of depression, according to research by the leading expert in mood and psychology, Dr Brendon Stubbs.

Getting some perspective helps and looking at how other cultures handle their ‘sad’ can be enlightening. In Bhutan, for example, crematoriums are located centrally so that children grow up with the idea that loss and death are inevitable. Mourning in Greece is a big, public affair, and many East Asian cultures have a more nuanced approach to emotions, experiencing both happiness and sadness simultaneously. A historical perspective reminds us that human beings have handled hardships since time began and survived – even thrived. Books are brilliant for broadening our outlook and a great novel or biography is the ultimate exercise in empathy, as we see the world through someone else’s eyes. On days when we struggle to concentrate and words seem to dance around the page, audiobooks can act as a soothing companion – as can music. We all remember songs that make us catch a breath and stop us in our tracks and playing sad music when we’re feeling low can foster a sense of belonging, give us identity and even help us heal, according to science.

Sitting with sadness, in our own personal Adele sound-tracked soul searching (just me?), counterintuitively helps our sadness to move on. By allowing for all of our emotions, rather than suppressing them, we will feel better, sooner. Not ‘fine’, but better. Then, we can recoup, regroup, and reassess what’s important.

The final step to being sad, well, is doing something for someone else. ‘Helper’s High’ is the term used to describe the emotional reward of giving to others and MRI scans show that our brains literally light up – glowing with the pleasure of giving. We all know – deep down – that looking out for one another is ‘the right thing to do’. So whether it’s raising money for charity, shopping for our neighbours, donating, protesting, being activists or allies – doing something for someone else is the ultimate in being sad, better. It helps us realise that we are part of something bigger than just ourselves. And that if we just hang in there, we’ll get through this. Together.

'How To Be Sad – everything I’ve learned about getting happier by being sad, better' by Helen Russell is available now (4th Estate)

For more from Helen, follow her on Instagram at @MsHelenRussell


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