Why it's time to spring-clean your friends
The Spring Equinox is upon us, signifying longer days, hope in the air… and a fresh start, as many of us clean out our homes. Yet what about if the route to happiness is not decluttering closets but a vigorous clearing out of the toxic people in our lives instead?
It makes sense. According to psychologists, the toxic behaviour of certain people can cause real harm. Recent research from the Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that being exposed to toxic people (even for a few days) can cause an acute stress response in our brain. This has a negative impact on our nervous system, and consequently our wellbeing and health.
Toxic people are everywhere: the husband who constantly finds fault with his wife, making her feel worthless and unattractive. The boss who has a tantrum whenever he doesn’t get his own way, making you fearful and panicky. Or the frenemy who is sweet and kind one day; touchy and barbed the next, keeping you in a toxic game of push and pull.
A couple of weeks ago, I was at a lunch with a group of friends. We were all laughing, when suddenly the pal sitting next to me, put her fist on my back.
“Don’t you have an off button?” she said loudly, and laughed. To make matters worse, everyone joined in.
“What?” I said, confused and angry, the hurt registering all over my face.
Kerching! Game over. She had lobbed a verbal hand grenade right at me and was now lapping up the fallout. I had gone from happy to a snivelling wreck in seconds.
Just a roll of the eyes or withering glance can cause damage, explains psychologist Jay Carter in his book Nasty People.
“A punch on the nose is obvious and it heals. An attack on the self esteem in the right way and at the right moment can last a lifetime,” he says.
'Don’t you have an off button?' she said loudly, and laughed. I went from happy to a snivelling wreck in seconds
I distinctly remember an ex-boyfriend who, whenever I spoke, would turn away and talk about something else. If I had written an article in a newspaper, he would comment on a piece on the next page. It was all so subtle that I didn’t realise what was happening. But it slowly chopped away at my self esteem.
It begs the question: if these people are so toxic, why haven’t we sent them to social Siberia?
One reason lies in our evolutionary past. Emotional contagion, whereby we literally “catch” one another’s moods, developed so that we could communicate at speed and form tribes.
“We pick up on cues from other people’s body language, facial expressions and tone of voice,” explains coaching psychologist Jessica Chivers. “These mood signals can then change the way we behave.”
Toxic people have simply co-opted these techniques and used them against us. So how do we recognise them and clean them out of our lives?
You know your friends are toxic if...
You feel emotionally drained every time you deal with them. Toxic people constantly make you run around after their needs. It is all about them.
You feel you are walking on shifting sand. Toxic people will do whatever it takes to get their own way, including lying and deceit.
You walk on eggshells. The toxic will fly into a rage or guilt-trip you, if you don’t do what they want.
You feel angry and upset in their company. Toxic people feel miserable and resentful and will transfer their feelings onto you, making you responsible.
The next step is to identify who these toxic people are. Here are five toxic types to beware:
What toxic type are your friends?
The Tittle Tattler
Your life is in a mess. Your wife is out every night, the boss is about to let you go, and your children think you are a loser. As soon as they get a whiff, the toxic friend will invite you round to the pub and a give you a chummy pat on the back. You pour out all your problems. But this is the worst person to have as a confidante. The toxic friend loves other people’s unhappiness and is simply gathering information to use against you.
The Put-Down Merchant
This one loves nothing better than making little digs, especially in front of others. Just as you are chatting and joking with others, they will turn to you – “Let me give you the number of my hairdresser…” – and rolls their eyes. Dare to seem hurt and you will be told to “lighten up” and not to be so sensitive. Meanhile, you feel so wretched you just want to go home.
The Manipulator
Charming and witty at parties, the manipulator is a predator in expensive clothes. They know exactly which buttons to press. They will start off by paying you compliments. Once they have gained your trust, so they will take you apart bit by bit. “Mmm, getting a bit tubby,” this toxic friend might say, poking you in the stomach. The manipulator is constantly trying to rip at your self-esteem; the weaker you get, the stronger they become.
The Victim
They will come up to you, all saccharine smiles and ask about your children/work/love life. Then just as you start to unload about your last disastrous date, they cut you off mid-sentence and start talking to someone else. They never answer your texts, are often vague and always arrive late for a meet-up. Simply, you are being kept on the back foot.
The Control Freak
At work, the Control Freak stomps through the offices barking orders at terrified secretaries, and exploding into a rage if they don’t do what is wanted. If they are a love interest, the victim will make a big play for you, tell you how much you mean to them, and then just when you start to trust them, will pull back. They will find ways to compete with you, are never wrong and never apologise. Beware, this one can reduce you to a quivering wreck unless you have the guts to stand up to them.
Finally, here are some strategies to deal with toxic people, and spring-clean them from your life for good.
Don’t be “too nice”. If you are the one always on hand with the sympathy, bending backwards to accommodate people, you can be sure the toxic brigade will seek you out. I remember one toxic friend saying: “Don’t worry about Kate, she always says yes.”
Set firm boundaries. Toxic people use you to further their own needs. It is important that let them know you are not willing to put up with their behaviour. Say no. Walk away, or take them aside and tell them directly.
Turn it back onto them. If they persist, ask questions: “Did you think it was necessary/kind to do that?” This puts the responsibility back onto them.
Don’t take it personally. It is not about you, it is about their issues. They are simply projecting their feelings of inadequacy onto you, and making you responsible for them.
Keep it cool. Don’t get annoyed or upset. That is exactly what they want. Count to ten, smile and let everyone see how unbothered you are.
Get over your guilt. Most toxic people are skilled at making others feel guilty when they don’t do what they want. “I turned down a weekend in the country to come and see you,” an ex said once, when I told him that I was ill. Don’t let them push your buttons.
