Why we're fighting to have our humanist wedding recognised as legal

On June 22, footballer Eunan O’Kane and model Laura Lacole will get married. Every detail of their wedding is already planned - from Lacole’s dress to the flowers. The vows are written, and the Northern Irish couple are ready to declare their commitment to one another in front of 250 of their loved ones. The only snag? Their wedding may not be legal. 

O’Kane, a 26-year-old midfielder for Leeds United, and Lacole, a 27-year-old model and public speaker, have chosen to have a humanist marriage service. Like civil ceremonies, humanist weddings are not based on religious beliefs. Indeed, humanists define themselves as ‘non-religious people’  - atheist or agnostic, believers in Darwinism - something which, for them, places extra responsibility on human beings to lead meaningful and ethical lives that benefit not only themselves, but others. Above all, it is a philosophy; one that values mutual respect and social responsibility. 

Unlike a registry office wedding, with its set script, humanist ceremonies are conducted by a celebrant, who holds the same beliefs as the couple and has spent several days getting to know them. The result is a highly personalised and bespoke wedding that can cover everything from how the couple met to stories about their time together. 

Humanist ceremonies are legally recognised in an handful of countries across the world, such as New Zealand, Canada, Australia and some US states. In the UK, they are legally binding only in Scotland; in England, Wales, and Northern Ireland, couples must also have a separate civil registration. 

For O’Kane and Lacole, who currently live in Harrogate, North Yorkshire, this meant either getting married in another country, far from friends and family, or having two weddings. 

“We didn’t want either of those options,” explains Lacole. “We want to get married in an area that’s sentimental to us, and we want it to be legal. Others, like Buddhists, have the right to legal weddings in Northern Ireland, so why not humanists? How can you differentiate between the beliefs people hold? It doesn’t seem fair.”

The couple, who have been together for three years, were so incensed by the legal barriers facing humanist couples that they decided to challenge the law. This Friday, their case will be heard at Belfast’s High Court and judges will rule on whether their human rights argument - that humanist ceremonies should be deemed as valid as religious ones - is fair.

“It’s been stressful launching this legal battle,” says Lacole. “Especially as I’m also under a huge amount of stress with the wedding, but I feel like it’s worthwhile. We are hopeful and nervous. If it doesn’t go through then it will be really disappointing, but I don’t think we’ll give up. We will appeal. It will be too late for us, but we’ll do it for other humanist couples.”

The pair will wed in June whatever the outcome. If the court ruling goes against them, they will still have a humanist ceremony but supplement it with a brief civil registry wedding. “It won’t be the ceremony we want,” sighs Lacole. “But at this point, we just want to get married.”

Humanist weddings have dramatically risen in popularity over the last decade, and Lacole and O’Kane have been inundated with messages of support. In 2005, when the ceremonies were made legal in Scotland, just 80 couples took advantage of the new law. A decade later, more than 4,300 humanist weddings took place, overtaking Church of Scotland ceremonies. In the Republic of Ireland, where they gained legal recognition in 2012, there are now three times more humanist marriages than Protestant Church of Ireland marriages. 

Even in England, where couples must also have a legal civil registry, the ceremonies are a growing trend. Last year, Olympic rower Helen Glover married TV naturalist Steve Backshall in a humanist ceremony in Cornwall. While in 2015, Strictly Come Dancing’s Kevin Clifton and Karen Hauer opted for a humanist wedding in London. 

Richy Thompson, director of public affairs at Humanists UK, attributes the rapid rise to changing religious beliefs in Britain - more than 14 million people in England and Wales now say they have no religion - and the personalised nature of humanist ceremonies. 

“It’s great civil ceremonies are available for those who want them but other people want something more bespoke,” he explains. “That’s why they are increasingly popular. As awareness grows and the legal barrier is removed, we’ve seen it puts them on a level footing to other types of ceremonies.”

Humanist funerals are also entering the mainstream. High profile figures such as Terry Pratchett, Doris Lessing and Victoria Wood all had humanist funerals according to their requests. Unlike traditional services, these can be more buoyant occasions, and typically involve either cremation or natural burial.

“They’re very much bespoke occasions that match the individual’s personal view,” explains Thompson. “They don’t involve any external religious elements. They vary in tone, so can be sombre times for reflection or a celebration of the individual’s life, in a way you might not experience with other funerals.”

Humanist weddings also avoid the mention of religion. Humanists UK - which was founded in 1967 and has more than 55,000 members, including Ricky Gervais, Sir Ian McEwan and its president, comedian Shappi Khorsandi - will only offer ceremonies when one or both halves of a couple identify as humanist, or to couples of different faiths seeking an alternative that doesn’t make an issue of their religions but still reflects their moral and ethical beliefs. 

The flexible nature of humanist ceremonies also means that weddings can take place in more unusual locations, from the top of a mountain - as two climbing lovers once requested - to a back garden under a tree. Many couples choose to maintain traditional aspects of wedding services, such as white dresses and bridesmaids, but also include pagan rituals such as handfasting, where a ribbon is bound round their wrists.

With these personalised touches, it is no surprise that humanist ceremonies can end up more emotional affairs than traditional weddings. Clifton and Hauer’s was called “beautiful” by teary-eyed guests such as Brendan Cole, and Lacole knows her day will also be full of sentiment. “It will be really intimate and touch on who we are as people and as a couple,” she explains. 

“We’ve seen our celebrant many times, and each meeting is so in depth. You talk about your childhood, the different life experiences that have shaped you, what you get from each other, what you value most in each other, and what you want from life together. I know that I’ll be an absolute mess on the day, but it’s how I want my wedding to be and so does Eunan. 

“We just hope now that it will be legally recognised.”