From ‘wet pubs’ to ‘Christmas baubles’, do you know the latest Lockdown lingo?
The nice thing about the pandemic is the way it has united us all. That’s a joke, obviously: as we crawl towards the end of the year, broken and bored after almost nine months of restrictions, we’re a moaning, fractious bunch. What began as a “we’re all in this together, it’ll be just like the Blitz but with bread-making machines, Amazon Prime and weekly clapping on the doorstep” sense of unity has dissolved into division and frustration.
But, if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s an irritation with the new lockdown-lite lingo we’ve quickly had to master in the run-up to Christmas. Terms that meant nothing even a few weeks ago are now being bandied around as if the reality they describe is in any way normal (sorry, that should be “new normal”).
As England leaves lockdown number two and finds itself, for the most part, in something uncannily similar to another lockdown, here is a guide to the key new terms you’ll have to master…
1. Wet pubs
A wet pub is wet because there’s no food in it to absorb the liquid. It is, in other words, a traditional boozer that hasn’t gone gastro. If you’ve come to it seeking an overpriced artisan hand-woven burger with triple-cooked chips served on a brick, you’re in the wrong place. Not least because it will be closed in the toughest tiers, since it’s been deemed far more dangerous than a not-wet pub. Why? Not sure, but it’s down to an absence of any...
2. Substantial meals
Or something you wouldn’t find in a wet pub. Oh how we laughed when we discovered, courtesy of Environment Secretary George Eustice, that this could include a scotch egg. That’s right, a boiled egg encased in spherical sausage meat will protect you from Covid, people. Tears of laughter rolled down our cheeks, then turned to sobs as Michael Gove weighed in to confirm this and we realised these people are still in charge of our country – and our Christmas.
3. Christmas bauble
No, silly, not the sort you hang on the tree. This is the jargon some wags are deploying to describe your household and the two others you’re legally allowed to “bubble up” with this Christmas. Because bubble sounds like bauble. Get it? Another variant you might hear is people asking “Who’s in your Christmas Bublé”. As in Michael. Look, we didn’t promise any of this was going to be fun.
4. Sex ban
This used to be something England footballers were slapped with in the hope it would help us win the World Cup (It didn’t). Now it’s Health Secretary Matt Hancock decreeing that in tiers two and three we can only sleep with people we already live with, a problematic state of affairs otherwise known as marriage.
5. Pro-choice
This isn’t about a woman’s right to choose, it’s about everyone’s right to choose – whether or not to be vaccinated. You might hear: “I’m not anti-vaxx, I’m just pro-choice.” What this actually means is: “I am anti-vaxx, and I also believe Covid is a huge government conspiracy. No, I can’t explain how the roughly 1.5 million global Covid deaths fit my theory and I won’t be taking any further questions. Oh all right then, it’s something to do with lizards.”
6. Decoupling
It’s like what Gwyneth Paltrow consciously did from Chris Martin a few years back; only instead of Paltrow there might be a pocket of rural Britain with a low rate of coronavirus infections, and instead of Martin there might be a nearby urban coronavirus hotspot that has dragged the whole area into a higher tier than is necessary. The Government has raised the prospect that one could be decoupled from the other, setting the lower infection zone free to pursue its own glorious destiny in a different tier.
7. Covid cuffing
Hurriedly locking down a potential romantic partner so you can face the coming winter together. You’ll need to be prepared to move in with them immediately, however, if you wish to consummate the relationship (see above).
8. Bio-secure
Nothing to do with yoghurt or washing powder, but rather the environment in which you must live if you don’t want to risk exposure to a single droplet of Covid. Some sports professionals have been placed in bio-secure bubbles, cut off from the virus-infested public and frequently tested. Nonetheless, Lewis Hamilton will miss the Sakhir Grand Prix in Bahrain this weekend after testing positive... a great bio-shame.
9. Virtual Santa
Real Father Christmas is too dangerous this year. He might give your children coronavirus. Or perhaps it’s your children who might give Father Christmas coronavirus. Either way, no-one wants Covid thrown in as part of their grotto experience, especially not if it’s one of those expensive ones where you feel ripped off before your kids have even opened their tiny breakable gift.
The answer is the same as it is to most things now: let’s take this show on to a computer screen. Companies are offering virtual “meet Santa” experiences in place of the sitting-on-a-male-stranger’s-knee experience. It’s not clear how they’ll get the tiny breakable gift to your child, but we can probably live without that for once.
