The ultimate Christmas survival guide 2017

Christmas is supposed to be the most festive time of the year, but with family coming together, financial pressures and plenty of booze in the mix, it can also be scary to navigate.

Here are five top tips to see you through to the new year.

Bottle up those feelings

It may be that sinking a couple of glasses of prosecco makes you feel a bit more loose-lipped about how you know Mum doesn’t think working in advertising is a ‘proper’ job, or even that you’ve steeled yourself to finally tell Uncle Barry it’s not funny bringing up that moment you peed your pants during your confirmation every…single…time you meet up.

And then there’s the boyfriend break-up that Granny is convinced happened as a result of your penchant for crisp sandwiches, when it was actually because Tinder matched you with a ‘Star Trek’ cosplayer with no sense of humour.

Whatever your needle with the people you’re spending Christmas Day with, take a leaf out of the Victorians’ playbook. Take that emotion and bury it deep down inside yourself. You might end up drinking more, but you’ll be shouting and fighting less.

Don’t do anything but watch movies and TV

Remember when everyone spent the two weeks before Christmas sitting round the Radio Times putting rings round the things they wanted to watch in felt tip?

Roll back the years by making a streaming playlist and comb through even the most nebulous channels to ensure that your family is fully covered in the entertainment stakes, thus keeping them occupied from Christmas Eve all the way through to 2018.

If you’re adamant you need to do something as a family, you can all head to the cinema to watch the festive and hilarious ‘Daddy’s Home 2’ (with a turkey dinner-flavoured box of popcorn and those chocolates Santa gave you).

This year, decide that you’re going to be the cook of the house

Roast goose with panettone stuffing, a spectacular new way of cooking potatoes. Even a pudding inspired by all those hours you spent watching this year’s ‘Bake Off’.

Christmas is the perfect time to try out that elaborate menu you’ve been planning, especially since most of your punters will likely be booze-soaked human dustbins, ready to eat the cracker hats by the time you finally serve everything up at half-four in the afternoon.

Plus, you’ll be able to avoid all the rubbish party games because you’re “doing important prep work” in the kitchen and you get to break the vicious sprouts cycle by informing everyone that kelp is the new Brussel.

Make the kids’ toys really complicated to play with

Everyone knows that dads watch with eagle-eyed glee as their offspring open presents, ready to leap into action when a six million-piece LEGO set gets unwrapped.

“No, Billy, don’t touch that! That’s not how it fits together!” This terse exchange as the remote-control car box reveals its contents may be initially uncomfortable, but it’ll be worth it.

Billy will look on glumly for a while before pootling off to eat some more of the penny sweets he got in his stocking, leaving you to conceptualise a mighty plastic tower block, an exact replica of a John Deere tractor made out of play dough or just a semi-detached three-bed fabricated from stickle bricks.

The result will be so spectacular, it’ll leave you with a glow that’ll last until next Christmas.

Go on holiday

It might end up being in a static caravan near Hastings, but we’d recommend scouring the brochures for last-minute deals on sunnier climes over the festive season.

Sun = smiles and smiles = no argument about that time Sue ignored Sophie’s request for bubble and squeak on Boxing Day and threw away the leftover spuds.

America likes to do Chinese takeaway and a cinema visit on 25 December, anywhere with a beach lends itself to a BBQ (not just Australia) – let’s learn from our international colleagues and do something a little bit different to spending a week wrapped in three increasingly sweaty Christmas jumpers with a tissue permanently shoved up the sleeve.

Put the pressure on someone else to entertain you for once.

‘Daddy’s Home 2’ is in cinemas now.