Tried and tested: The best new sex toys

The sheer size was intimidating, it looked like a big purple Barney the dinosaur microphone of sorts and I feared was it supposed to go well, up there? However, really this is just a big old massager – like the ‘neck massager’ Samantha buys in Sex And The City. OK, so I did try out the massager and you know what? I have come to the conclusion that everyone needs a Lovehoney neck massager. EVERYONE. Did I mention it’s also cordless and rechargeable? Yeah, that was good too. However, no one has a bedside table with a drawer this big so it’ll have to be to the bottom of the wardrobe with this one.

Coming complete with it’s own lockable pouch, Rianne was obviously a girl who lived in a houseshare with particularly nosy flatmates. Or worse still, in her 30s and ‘temporarily’ back with her parents. On the negative it’s battery operated, so a bit of a nightmare when it runs out just when you really need it. On the plus, it’s not too loud but unfortunately I couldn’t work out how to switch it off to the point where I just had to take the batteries out. Other than that, defo recommend.

Having never heard of it before, I fast discovered Lelo is a brand that anyone who has sex needs to be acquainted with RIGHT NOW. SAY HELLO TO LELO, PEOPLE. I can’t even begin to articulate how fantastic these products are, and I’m supposedly a writer. And if Lelo was a writer, it would be Shakespeare. For women who struggle to climax through just penetration alone – well, now they can with a little helping buzz from Lelo. They are all super quiet, made of the softest latex and come with pouches to keep discrete. The only weird thing is using the USB port in your laptop to charge them.

It’s so pretty, it’s so girly, it kind of looks like something Katy Perry would endorse – wait, what the hell is it? So, before you start wondering what exactly that poor unicorn has bared witness too – it’s a lid that comes off to reveal another massage wand. 10 points for novelty. But overall it was quite loud and the fact it plugs in and isn’t wireless was actually very much NOT sexy. Plus maybe it’s just me but I have no time for this candy floss meets harajuku aesthetic when it comes to bedroom antics.

It’s not the quietest, it’s only got one setting – but for ten quid this is definitely a good place to start to work out whether the wonderful world of vibrations is something worth investing into. You will quickly work out that it is, I feel. But why take my word for it, it’s good to be sure before forking out, right?

This is basically, an intro to BDSM for anyone who has no real idea what BDSM is but has read, or maybe just watched actually, 50 Shades Of Grey. So me, basically. When I first opened this I did think that what later turned out to be a feather ‘tickler’ was a furry butt plug so after that I was pretty hard to shock. Unfortunately, it doesn’t come with your own Jamie Dornan but it does come with a bullet, silk ties and a blind fold – presumably so that you can pretend you are in bed with Jamie Dornan instead.

Fun fact: did you know that more rampant rabbits are sold annually in the UK than there are actual rabbits? Well, without giving away the ending: the fuss is justified. This latest model promises to target the G-spot- which to be honest, I’ve always thought was a myth invented by Cosmopolitan magazine. However, in the name of research, I can confirm that it isn’t a myth. It really, really isn’t. Quite incredibly, Ann Summers is so confident that your Moregasm Contour toy will give you your best orgasm ever, that they’ll give you a full refund if you’re not satisfied.

This is allegedly chocolate and coconut flavoured, however, in my opinion, tastes more like the back end of a Pina Colada. Which is great, if that’s how you like your pink bits to taste. For me, it was all a bit ‘lie back and think of Del Boy’. However, it was quite nice with ice cream. On the plus, if you like your lubes tropical then the consistency is lovely, and it’s super silky and not sticky in the slightest – making it unlike a Pina Colada, and quite possibly Del Boy, in that sense.

This is very technical – so basically you shove it down your knockers and it pulses in time to whatever rude video you might be watching. But before you think maybe just Friends reruns or The Apprentice you are somewhat restricted to the selection of ‘erotica’ from the accompanying app. However, the real fun feature is that someone else can control it remotely by using the ‘chat’ feature in the app that both of you can download. It can be controlled via smartphone from ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD – fab news for long distance couples.

A lot of these toys are totally waterproof and this is no exception meaning you could use it in the bath. I wasn’t mad fussed about this but I guess it’s a plus for some people. Fully charged it lasts 2 hours and is dead easy to recharge using a plug. Three speed options and seven pulsating patterns, it’s powerful but still not going to wake up your flatmates.