What to do if you're always too tired for sex
The modern world comes with a unique set of pressures. As well as work, financial and childcare stress, now we have pandemic anxiety and uncertainty about the future to add to the mix. With all of this on your plate, it's no great surprise that you might not have as much energy for sex as you once did.
Whichever way you look at it, love and sex within a relationship are closely intertwined. You can love without sex, but it can feel unrequited. You can have sex without love, but it may feel like a violation. In a happy relationship, the balance must be right. After all, it’s those intimate moments that bond you together.
Dr Deborah Lee, sexual and reproductive healthcare specialist at Dr Fox Online Pharmacy looks at why your energy for sexual intimacy might be on the wane and what you can do to reignite some passion in the bedroom:
What is intimacy?
But what is intimacy? In short, it’s that strong sense of connection you feel with your partner. In 1986, Robert Sternberg, the American psychologist, defined the term ‘intimacy’ as ‘strong feelings of closeness, connectedness and bonding.’ He described ‘a triangular theory of love’, suggesting there are three components that interact to produce loving experiences:
❤️ Intimacy: which encompasses feelings of closeness, connectedness and bonding from a loving relationship.
❤️ Passion: which is the driver for romance, physical attraction and sexual relationships.
❤️ Decision and commitment: this is the stage where you realise you are in love and, as time passes, you decide you want to make a commitment to maintain that love.
Why do we need intimacy?
As human beings, a satisfying sex life is important for our quality of life and to ensure our health needs are met. When sex is good, emotional ties are strong, and this has been shown to help buffer the stresses and strains of daily life for both partners.
Regular sexual activity is strongly associated with positive psychological wellbeing and as research has shown, when levels of psychological wellbeing are high, this can reduce overall mortality by as much as 28 per cent.
Studies also show that sexual activity at least twice a month has a range of psychological and physical benefits, including better mental and physical health, including a lower risk of cancer and death from coronary heart disease.
Sex after the honeymoon period
The honeymoon period is that well-known phase of a relationship where you feel head over heels with elation every day – your new partner can do no wrong! This giddying emotional state is because specific areas of your brain are firing on all cylinders and many new couples report dizzying amounts of incredible sex.
Unfortunately, this exciting state of mind – and frenetic activity in the bedroom – does not last forever. Psychologists suggest it may last for six months to two years. However, as it fades, new feelings based on trust and commitment take over.
How often should you have sex?
So, just how much sex is needed to keep a couple feeling close and happy? There is no absolute answer to this question. In one 2011 survey, when 20,000 couples were questioned about how often they had sex, 26 per cent had sex once or twice a week, 34 per cent had sex once or twice a month and 12 per cent had not had sex in the past year.
While all couples are different, it’s unlikely a couple can remain in a happy relationship that is completely sexless. Inevitably it will cause tension, with the rejected partner feeling shame and distress, which can then progress to feelings of anger and resentment. In this type of situation, a sex therapist may be able to help untangle the issues and help put things back on track.
As with most things, however, it's not about quantity, it’s about quality. Couples need to communicate and work out how often they need to have sex to keep their relationship on an even keel and focus on making their sexual encounters satisfying for both parties.
Are you really too tired for sex?
It’s easy to crawl into bed and, yet again, feel too tired for sex after a busy day. But is it really tiredness? What does it mean when we say we’re too tired for sex? In truth, saying you’re too busy or tired for sex is often a way of masking the real reasons we feel disinterested in having sex, of which there are many:
Relationship issues
People often worry when they lose their libido that they have a physical illness. But most often, this is not the case. Relationship experts often believe that disagreements between a couple can lead to a build-up of tension, along with anger and resentment, and this often reaches the bedroom. Disagreements, lack of trust and poor communication are common underlying factors.
Chronic stress
Many of us juggle work and home life, plus a jam-packed diary. But everyone needs personal space, a time to process their own thoughts and emotions. When this is lacking, our minds can become overcrowded and this increases our stress. Stress triggers the sympathetic nervous system, so we are constantly living with ‘fight, fright or flight’ – our bodies are preparing for danger, not sex! Chronic stress is well known to dampen sexual desire.
Feeling pressure to perform
Men often suffer from performance anxiety. They worry they might lose their erection or ejaculate too quickly. Women worry too – that may not be ready for sex, that it might be painful, that they don't know how to say ‘No’ if they’re not in the mood. It’s understandably hard to have these conversations and, in the end, sex may just be avoided altogether.
Sleep deprivation
According to The Sleep Council, Only 70 per cent of UK adults get the recommended seven to nine hours of sleep per night. Work commitments, domestic responsibilities and yes – social media – all conspire to make us late to get to bed and unable to easily drift off to sleep. Getting enough sleep is essential for good physical and mental health. Sleep deprivation, on the other hand, increases the risk of anxiety and depression, which are both strongly associated with loss of libido.
Medical illness
Living with a chronic illness can have significant effects on sexual function. The person who is ill often feels ashamed their libido is so low and may also feel less attractive. They can be overwhelmed by the emotional aspects, the fear of their illness and what it means for the future. Their partner must cope with rejection while dealing with their own anxieties about the illness and the future. Sex can fizzle out just at a time when intimacy is needed the most.
Depression
Loss of sexual desire very commonly occurs in association with depression. Depression makes you feel tired and lacking in energy to do anything, including sex. When you are depressed, you don't get the same pleasurable rewards from things you normally enjoy, which applies to anything from eating food, to reading a book, to having sex.
Hormone imbalance
Most people with loss of libido will not have any hormonal abnormality. However, occasionally a diagnosis is made such as hypothyroidism (an underactive thyroid gland) or premature ovarian failure (early menopause). It’s also quite common for the hormonal changes at menopause to underly libido issues.
Medication
Many commonly prescribed drugs can also lower libido, including antidepressants, antipsychotics, beta blockers and statins.
Differing sex drives
In most relationships, one partner will have a higher sex drive than the other. This means one of you is having less sex than they feel they want or need, while the other may be giving in to pressure and having sex when they are not ready or in the mood. This can create resentment and tension.
Talking to your partner about sex is vital. Although initiating the conversation can be hard, once the issue is out in the open you can find a way to compromise. If you can agree on a schedule and some ground rules, this can work wonders.
Prioritising sex in your relationship
Sex is said to be the lifeblood of any long-term relationship. It’s the glue that holds a couple together. However, there’s more to your sexual relationship than the number of times you have penetrative sex, so take time to keep the spark alive. Here are a few tips to reignite your sexual energy:
✔️ Treat each other with respect
Think about how you yourself would like to be treated. This is a good place to start.
✔️ Be affectionate
Make time to hug, hold hand and kiss. Those brief pulses of oxytocin will keep you going throughout the day.
✔️ Be kind
Be kind to each other and say thank you. Feeling appreciated is so important.
✔️ Make plans
Make time to do fun things together that are nothing to do with the bedroom. Think about what you enjoyed when you first met. It’s important to laugh and deepen your friendship through shared experiences.
✔️ Diarise sexy time
It may sound strange, but it's quite acceptable to plan ahead for sex. That way you can do all those little things that are conducive to success – be home a bit earlier from work, dress up, open a bottle of wine, play some soft music, go to bed early and have plenty of time, so sex can be unhurried. You can even enjoy flirting a little during the day – the anticipation is part of the pleasure.
✔️ Discuss your sex life
Try to have a conversation and agree on how often you would like to be having sex and what you feel is right for you as a couple. Be honest about what you both like and don’t like. Talking about sex can be arousing in itself. Think about how you can bring variety into the bedroom.
✔️ Spend some time apart
That means a day or an evening away from each other, say once a week, so you have some personal space. When you go away from each other, even for a short time, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
✔️ Sex doesn't have to be penetrative
Remember, there are many other ways you can stay close to your partner, without necessarily having sexual intercourse. After all, having satisfying sex is not just a mechanical ritual – it’s so much more:
✔️ Work on developing your emotional intimacy
Spend time together and share memories, ideas, hope and dreams. Open up to your partner and encourage them to do that to you, sharing secrets and desires. Ask open-ended questions, which then invites a proper discussion.
✔️ Listen to each other
And that means really listen – to what your partner has to say. Listening is an active skill – you need to concentrate and give the other person your full attention.
✔️ Communicate
If you need to tell your partner something, don’t be accusatory. For example, don’t say, ‘I hate it when you do that…’ Say, ‘You know what, if it’s OK, I prefer it when you do this…’ which is so much more positive.
✔️ Practise being close
Greet each other affectionately. Take a few moments longer to hug and stand close to each other. Hold hands when out for a walk or cuddle up on the sofa.
✔️ Enjoy ‘outercourse!’
Go back to basics and concentrate on the enjoyment of light touches, such as stroking each other's skin or giving each other a light massage. You could even try tantric massage.
✔️ Make eye contact
Just looking into your partner’s eyes will ramp up the oxytocin!
Further help and support
For further advice about any other relationship or sexual concerns you might have, try one of the following resources:
NHS.UK: to check for any medical issues or be referred to a therapist.
Relate or Relationships Scotland: for relationship support.
COSRT: find therapists that are able to work with any relationship or sexual issues.
Sexual Advice Association: help to improve sexual health and wellbeing.
IPM: education, training and research in psychosexual medicine.
Last updated: 30-10-2020
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