As those who don't make it at the Oscars will learn, 'losers' have more to gain in life than winners
With the Oscars tonight and the BAFTAs two weeks ago, February could be considered the month of winners. But what about the many more individuals in every competition who don’t win?
In truth, “losers” have more to gain than winners. As the saying goes: “When you win, you party. When you lose, you learn.” However, what you learn depends entirely on the nature of the criticisms that follow, how they are framed – and what you do in response.
Robert Baron at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in New York recruited 83 undergraduates and asked them to produce a piece of written work. Some received constructive criticism – specific and considerate comments, feedback that did not attribute poor performance to a student’s personal qualities. Others received destructive criticism – general, harsh and personalised comments.
Baron found that those receiving constructive criticism were more willing to make compromises so they could improve their work; those receiving destructive criticism felt angrier and more tense than the others, and reacted by simply avoiding the person who criticised them. Furthermore, in another experiment, he found that those who received destructive criticism subsequently reported lower levels of self-esteem and set lower goals for themselves.
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In a further refinement, Melissa Kamins and Carol Dweck at Stanford University asked a group of young children to roleplay a task. Half were given a straightforward task, whereas the others faced a setback. All of them were then asked to roleplay a second task, and this time everyone faced a setback. Afterwards, they received feedback – either praise or criticism about themselves, the process involved, or the outcome.
Kamins and Dweck found that the children who received feedback about themselves – whether or not they faced a setback the first time – were more likely to report lower self-worth, to feel more helpless, and to blame themselves for the setback. This was true whether they were praised or criticised. Personalised comments, it seems, are neither helpful nor constructive.
If, then, you fail to achieve your dreams and you ask for feedback, here’s how to solicit comments that will help you achieve a better outcome next time.
• Ask for feedback about your behaviour, rather than personal qualities. Behaviour is easier to change. Furthermore, when you try to change inner qualities, you’ll become more self-conscious and self-critical, and thus less able to throw yourself fully into the process of creating and achieving.
• Ask for specific examples of how you can improve.
• Ask critics to use positive terminology: “Try this”, rather than “Don’t do that.”
• Seek comments from those you consider to be role models. Matthew Hornsey and Armin Imani at the University of Queensland found we accept criticism most readily from those we believe are knowledgeable in our field, and those with whom we identify most closely.
• Finally, remember that outcome depends on three things: whom you compete against, who’s judging you, and how much effort you put in. Focus on effort. After all, it’s the only thing that’s fully in your control.
Linda Blair is a clinical psychologist, author of The Key To Calm. Watch her give advice on Telegraph Video.
