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How to survive Valentine's Day if you're newly separated or going through divorce

Photo credit: Getty Images
Photo credit: Getty Images

From Red Online

Valentine’s Day is approaching (as if you could have missed it!) and seemingly overnight shops are strewn in red and pink, and heart-shaped goods crowd the shelves. What’s more, social media is suddenly crammed full of couples jetting off on romantic trips or toasting over candlelit dinners alongside the hashtag #ilovehim.

The pressure of Valentine’s Day can cause many relationships to buckle and breakdown; several studies, using data provided by social media and dating websites, have shown a spike in breakups immediately preceding or following this day dedicated to love.

As one Relate counsellor says, “it’s a hazardous time where hopes, expectations and beliefs can really spell disappointment all around.”

However, this holiday can be especially hard if you’re newly separated or in the process of divorce.

January is always a record month for people filling for divorce after the pressure and intensity of Christmas, which means that if you'll being going through a divorce over Valentine's Day you're not alone.

Here, Goodman Ray share their top five tips for getting through Valentine's Day with minimal stress.

Do invest in different kinds of love

Romantic love isn’t the only kind of love you can celebrate this February. Consider arranging a dinner or even a holiday with friends or making the effort to visit a family member who you don’t see as often as you like. If you have children, this can be the perfect opportunity to plan a fun activity which helps you feel closer to them. It’s important to show them that, although the romantic love between you and your partner may be gone, the maternal or paternal love you feel for them is stronger than ever. But you don’t need to limit this love to those you know - try volunteering.

According to the Mental Health Foundation, helping others “promotes positive physiological changes in the brain associated with happiness.” It also reduces feelings of loneliness, serves as a good distraction from our problems, and increases our self-esteem.

Do show yourself some love

The relationship which affects all other relationships you form is the one you have with yourself. That bond was probably neglected while you’ve been focussing on the declining relationship with your spouse. Show yourself some love this Valentine’s by looking after you: exercise creates feel-good endorphins, so why not try a new class or head to the local pool for a relaxing swim?

You might want to treat yourself to something gorgeous and comforting from our self-care guide.

Don’t take notice of social media

Avoid comparing your current situation or previous marriage to what your friends may be posting on social media. Remember that these are the ‘highlight reels’ of other people’s relationships. In fact, research by Northwestern University has found that it’s people who feel insecure in their relationships who tend to post more frequently about their partner.

Don’t bottle things up

If you’re struggling, consider seeking professional help. Therapy can help you build resilience and come to peace with the whirlwind of emotions surrounding divorce and separation. What’s more, being open and clear about your emotions is often better for any children involved. Putting on a poorly maintained brave front can be far more confusing and distressing for little ones than an easy-to-understand explanation. In fact, a 2016 study (Le & Impett) suggested that when a parent tries to hide negative feelings, there are adverse consequences for the parent’s own well-being and for their relationship with their child.

Do focus on practicalities

During divorce and especially around Valentine’s Day, one can get caught up in revisiting the ‘romantic dream’ of your relationship; dwelling on your spouse’s good points and the potential future you aspired to together. Instead of grieving the loss of the dream, focus on the practical steps required to move your divorce along so you can finally start afresh and find a new dream.

Now could be a good time to start gathering the materials for financial disclosure, for example. Focusing on the more cognitive aspects of your divorce will prevent you reliving the trauma or difficulties associated with the relationship.

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