Six things you only know if you're a new dad looking for mates
Only 12 days after George and Amal Clooney, Beyoncé and Jay-Z become proud celebrity parents to a set of twins.
If you turn to page 954 of the endlessly revised Proficient Parenting Handbook, you’ll notice that this means that George and Jay are now contractually obliged to become friends. They’re both famous, they’re both married to strong, independent, considerably younger women, and now their lives are prophetically mirroring one another because they have twins that are almost exactly the same age. Lifelong blood oaths have been taken from foundations bearing less common ground.
So just as Prince William and Mike Tindall are to be found horsing around at polo matches, sewn together by blood, by similarly-aged children and spouses (and presumably similarly-sized wallets), it is only a matter of time before we see Clooney and Jay-Z laughing it up at a barbecue together. Or how about both of them standing in a pub garden with a bunch of new dads – Jay Z holding a pint, Clooney talking about sport? Maybe they'll be forced to endure the catastrophic silence of running out of small talk while you push your kids on the swings at a local park?
Yes, the road to Fatherhood Friendship is one strewn with obstacles, and one massively reliant on planets aligning, and Lady Fate playing you a good hand with the new dads in your orbit. Male friendship is complex and unusual at the best of times, but here are some basic rules all new dads should adhere to:
Make a deal with yourself to start making friends again
What you’ll notice when you try to befriend other men is that you’ve completely forgotten how to do it. This isn’t entirely your fault. Society seemingly dictates that you make the vast majority of your friendships before you turn 21, so you’ve been stuck with the same group of gurning faces for years, possibly decades. You understand the basic hierarchical structure of your friendship group, you have adopted a conversational shorthand that works for you.
This is very normal, hence why it’s commonly known as “your comfort zone”. Now it’s time to step out of it, and to start making new connections. Your old pals will probably be doing the same thing.
Upgrade your personality to at least appear cheerful
Because of your un-evolved (or even devolved) friendship circle, you have allowed your personality to expand no further than a bubble in a jar. Now it’s time to unleash your full potential as a human being. Tap into those hidden feelings repressed by years of adhering to old fashioned notions of masculinity. Remodel yourself as a man who embraces life, who can smell the flowers and see the grass grow. Someone who isn’t shackled by endless sarcasm, nor prone to lugging a gloomy fog cloud to a toddler’s birthday party.
A good place to start is with a simple “smile”. Like you’re happy to be here.
Keep your phone in your pocket at all times
The greatest threat to relationship development in the Western World is the smartphone. You see it all the time in the park – dads masking their intrinsic fear of small talk by staring intently at their phones like they’re being delivered important messages from beyond. Meanwhile the fruit of their loins wobbles clumsily across a perilous rope ladder.
It’s all part of man’s unwillingness to put himself out there, and to be vulnerable enough to attract new connections. It’s basically the equivalent of perpetually swiping left on Tinder. Or right. Whichever one is the dismissive one.
Accept that women, almost to a man, are more socially capable than you
With the welcomed narrowing of the divide, it’s normally (and quite rightly) frowned upon to make gender generalisations, but here’s a fact as concrete as a cement sandwich: women are better at making friends than you.
It’s true, I’ve seen it many times with my own eyes. Your wife sweeps into social situations with the relaxed charm of a baroness, while you nervously muddle along behind her like a toddler who just broke a window.
To remedy this, puff out your chest, forget who you are, and stride in like you’re John Wayne. Just be sure to let any John Wayne comparisons end there.
Be proud and excited (but not too excited) to be a dad
After years of slowly withering beneath a relentless stream of laddish “banter”, parenthood finds your universe expanding, from pubs to dinner parties, from football grounds to playgrounds.
How you behave in these new locations requires a delicate balancing act. On the one hand you don’t want to be the cloying dad who unashamedly talks to his offspring in a baby voice, but equally you don’t want to be the uncomfortable robotic one who has taken to fatherhood like a duck to public speaking.
Position yourself somewhere in the more enlightened part of the spectrum of human behaviour.
Don’t be backwards in coming forwards
With bath times, nap times, and bedtimes to work around, you can’t be spontaneous in the way that you could when you were free from parental responsibility. Hence to develop a strong friendship with another dad, you have to acknowledge this strict schedule, adhere to it, and still actively seek to make the friendship work.
Here’s an idea: invite them for a beer one night, just the two of you, literally like you’re going on a date. It’ll be awkward as hell at first, but hopefully worth it in the long run. You might even get a snog out of it (I’M KIDDING!).
