How to navigate singledom after a long-term relationship, as Britney Spears says it's 'weird'
Getting through a breakup can be a really hard time. But the end of a long-term relationship can bring on an even more difficult, and rather strange period in life, as Britney Spears has discovered recently.
The pop star, who divorced her husband Sam Asghari earlier this year after more than six years together - and just over a year after marrying him - reflected on single life in a new Instagram post.
She described it as being “so weird being single”, adding: “I’ve realised I don’t talk to myself that nicely at all. I’m easily manipulated and wear my heart on my sleeve, but I’m definitely changing all of that.”
Spears, 42, certainly isn’t alone in finding life rather disorienting after getting out of a long-term relationship. The longer you are with someone else, the more entangled your lives become - perhaps you move in and live together, become part of each other’s family and friend groups, schedule important events and make decisions together.
All these things can make the end of a long-term relationship even more knotty and emotionally draining to deal with. But it’s normal to feel a little lost and strange, says Georgina Sturmer, counsellor, MBACP.
Why does it feel weird to be single after a long-term relationship ends?
No matter how the breakup occurred, it can feel “strange and unsettling” to be living life as a single person again. Sturmer explains: “There’s a practical side to this. Maybe you’ve been living together, or you have shared friendships or shared hobbies that leave you feeling awkward.
“But when we unpeel the layers, we notice that there’s also a deep emotional element. We might be feeling sad, angry, frustrated, embarrassed, guilty, or a whole range of other emotions. And we also might feel a sense of loss, as if part of our identity is missing.”
She tells Yahoo UK that people in relationships get used to negotiating and compromising with one another, and taking one another into account when making choices and decisions.
“So when the relationship ends and we find ourselves single again, it can feel strange to make choices and decisions for ourselves. We might even struggle to remember what it feels like to follow our own likes and dislikes without our ex-partner’s point of view.”
Sturmer also points out that, with the festive season in full swing, it can be a difficult time to be single as holidays are often “imbued with memories of previous years and relationships”.
“We often see people who we haven’t seen for a while, who are likely to ask questions about our relationship status, and that might leave us feeling under the microscope.”
What should you do if you’re newly single?
Although the period of time after a relationship ends might be full of sadness or other negative emotions, it can also be a great time to focus on yourself.
Use this time to take stock and think about what you enjoyed from the previous relationship and what you’re sad to lose, Sturmer advises. Doing the reflective work can help you figure out what you might need in your life, without rushing into a new relationship.
“Equally, it’s a moment to consider what you didn’t like about your previous relationship,” she says. “This can help you keep an eye out for potential red flags in the future and to embrace the freedom of being single.”
There’s no set way to do any of this, as it might come about as you think about the relationship. Sturmer recommends thinking about writing your thoughts down in a journal or talking it through with a trusted friend to help you sort out your feelings.
Unhealthy ways to cope with a breakup
If you feel unhappy, unsettled, bored or even depressed after a breakup, you might be tempted to turn to default coping strategies. Some of these are healthy, like seeing your friends, getting enough sleep, exercising and going outdoors.
But sometimes, we might also turn to some less healthy ways to deal with our feelings. For example, some people may turn to excessive alcohol consumption or put themselves at risk.
“Keep an eye on whether you are looking out for yourself, and make sure that you lean on your support network,” Sturmer advises.
“We might also find ourselves craving attention or affection, and this can lead us to think about contacting an ex. Remember to keep in mind the reasons why the relationship ended. There’s nothing wrong with getting back together with someone, but it’s important that you’re doing so for the right reasons.
“The holiday season in particular can be a real trigger for contacting an ex. If in doubt, force yourself to wait a few days and see if the craving has passed.”
Read more about sex and relationships:
One in five Brits wouldn’t pick the same partner again if given the option (Yahoo Life UK, 3-min read)
Dating a narcissist: Relationship expert reveals the red flags to look out for (Yahoo Life UK, 7-min read)
My jealousy ruined our relationship—I couldn't stop thinking about his ex-girlfriend (Yahoo Life UK, 5-min read)
