The secret to being ‘single and happy’ is the same as being ‘attached and happy’, you just need to follow this simple rule
If you're single like me, you'll know the the festive season is prime time for questions surrounding your relationship status. It might be a nosy neighbour, a devoted aunt or even the pub landlord in your home town. Everyone wants to know, are you seeing someone – and if not, why not? Singlehood in this context is looked on as a problem to solve, and what a shame that is. We should celebrate our nearest and dearest no matter if they have a partner or not.
I wrote an article in the lead up to Christmas about the power of friendship when you're single, sharing how having likeminded friends also on the dating scene was the secret to being single and happy. And Telegraph readers had a lot to say.
Many of you agreed that making friends in a similar headspace can do wonders no matter your life stage (recently divorced, single as ever, a new mum, you name it). Others rightly shared that to find happiness you need to like yourself first, and the rest will follow. Quite a few also offered unsolicited advice on how to find a partner, which rather goes against the point of my original article. That's not to say I don't hope to meet someone, but that I know I can be happy either way.
Here are some of the best.
The secret is simple for many… you need to like yourself first
@Bill Palmer
"The secret to being 'single and happy' is the same as being 'attached and happy.' Like yourself. If you do not, why should you expect others to engage with you let alone like you?
"I'm not talking narcissistic psychopathy here, simply the ability to make yourself smile, to be comfortable in your own skin and your own company, to forgive yourself on occasion and to be nice to yourself. Not celestial ballistics…"
@GB Wood
"The secret of being single and happy is to like yourself."
@James Faulkner
"'Happy' peppers these comments (and modern life in general). Didn't Saint Augustine say that 'happiness is wanting what you've got'?"
@Sara Crawford
"Be happy with your own company. I’ve been single for 25 years and enjoy life with sports, socialising and keeping busy. I would find it hard to live with a man now and I enjoy my freedom. Being able to give love to others which I do is still important and a joy."
@Hilz Wilz
"The secret to being happy and single is to enjoy your own company. Desperately hoping your life might improve if someone else was in it is not a recipe for success. Happy times with friends are lovely, as are happy times at home with yourself, your taste in music/food/TV or whatever are just as lovely."
For others, it’s all about being open minded
@Stuart Davies
"Well done – the best bit of this article is you did what you wanted, had the confidence and inspiration to do something different, be positive and open minded. Hope it yields happiness and long term rewards. (although this genre was kicked off rather by Shirley Valentine)."
Many agreed that strong friendships with like minded souls can change your whole perspective...
@Melissa Black
"I agree I found single girlfriends the most important thing when I was single. I also think good friendships with others in a similar situation to you is the secret to being happily married, or to happily be a mum of young children."
@Liz Morgan
"My husband and I have been together for 43 years but I have always felt the need for female friends. It is fun with other couples, but I need the latter too. This was easy in my twenties because plenty of my friends were single, and when I was a working mum, as play dates were always with other mums, and most of my colleagues were women.
"However, the older I’ve got the lonelier I can be, as many other couples seem to want to always be together. My husband is frankly happier with just me or a book, so I can feel lost. Edinburgh was very hard, it is very smug there. Monmouthshire is much better. After four years (slowed by the pandemic) I’m finally beginning to really make friends. I think it’s to do with having been at a girls’ school; perhaps the writer was too. PS I was amused to see the warning about Clapham as so many young graduates seem to want to live there."
@SJN
"I'm in the 'under a million' 60 plus singletons. I'm finding that I'm becoming popular with those becoming single via divorce and bereavement as they need a bit of encouragement to get out and build a new life and I never stopped going out and enjoying myself so help lead them astray."
...but it can get harder to make new friends as you get older
@‘Look Ahead’
"Most people prefer to be in a relationship. It's just that those who aren't haven't met the right person or luck has conspired against them. How does one go about building a network of single friends when one is over 30, 40, 50? It gets harder as time goes by."
Many mentioned the freeing power of travel and holidays when you’re single
@Hilary Ducker
"As you age (as long as you keep busy and well) being single doesn't feel such a stigma anymore. You learn to be content with your own company and enjoy friends (mostly married) dropping in. Group holidays with like-minded people and going out to societies can be great. It's society (and Genesis!) that views this 'couple' thing as the norm."
@O’Riley
"I rather like being single. I have a good job because I have been there for decades. I am single, independent but with lots of friends and can please myself what I do. I enjoy holidaying solo too."
Others shared how becoming single in midlife turned out to be the greatest gift
@Sarah Broughton
"Since getting divorced three years ago I can say living alone has been a gift to myself. The indulgence of time alone with no one else to prioritise except me. I am now learning to sail yachts, a lifelong dream.
"Not even losing my job this year has turned out to be bad, it has turned into another opportunity. There's good and bad with everything, happiness is just dependent on what you focus on. Being single is far far happier than being in the wrong relationship. Do I hope I find love again with someone else? Yes of course. But not at any cost."
@Richard Long
"Being happy and single very much depends on the type of person you are. I've been married before, lived with another woman before and my preferred state is most definitely single. The freedom suits me, I have lots of friends and date fairly regularly.
"I've always felt it's sad to be in a situation you don't want to be in (i.e. single but want a partner, or partnered and want to be single), as long as you're happy, then you're good."
@David Short
"Being a couple means you work at problems together. Problems you don't have when single! I'm in my late 60's, divorced, single with no intention of ever getting into a relationship again. Result, blissful happiness."
While others were quick to state financial pressure as a reason to couple up
@Helen Woodman
"The need to follow the crowd makes people go into and stay in relationships. Very very few couples I have met fell deeply in love and married their soulmate. I actually did. I’ve never met any other couples who came close. It’s all about peer pressure and finance."
@Jonathan Wright
"I don’t know about embracing the joy of being single. It seems more like accepting your situation. In the author’s case (and Camille’s), there should be nothing stopping them from finding a partner.
"Get some decent dating advice and settle down with someone. Life is a lot easier financially and emotionally as part of a couple than going it alone and that is before trying to have children."
@Mike Ross
"The tax man does not want you to be single - or maybe he does, as he penalises you heavily for it."
There were also many lovely stories about readers who decided to take a different path…
@Tony Hillyard
"What a very refreshing article. So many people follow the well trodden path, marriage, two children then probably 40 plus years of mediocrity. You at least are able to look at life from a different view.
"My wife and I eloped to Australia. We decided kids were not for us (certainly not grand children), travelled the world and after 50 years of marriage could never be called dull. Go for it girl."
@Christopher Searle
"I'm not sure how our experience relates to other people, but here goes. My fiance and I are permanently engaged, and have been for the last eighteen years. We are both divorced, she is aged 59, I am aged 59, we do not cohabit but each live in our own separate homes.
"We love each other dearly, and meet up several times a week, and to go on holiday, etc. But still enjoy the space and freedom of independent living. This would not work for everyone obviously, but very much suits us.
"I should add our situation is also a result of us both having adult children, and the permanent engagement situation suits my children and my (well known) fiance's children. So, we are all very happy, long may it continue."
While some were rather tongue-in-cheek about the pitfalls of marriage
@Madeleine Richardson
"Anyone who thinks they have to be married at all costs should try shopping at IKEA on a Saturday afternoon."
@Nicholas Hingely
"It is interesting that a lot of chaps have posted comments on this article. I suspect many may be single and a little dispirited about their situation and thus I offer this advice:
"Live physically close to couples, say, in a terraced house but make sure it has thin walls. With a bit of luck you will have rowing neighbours. When they kick off, don’t get annoyed: turn down the telly and have a good listen. You’ll soon perk up when you realise that you could be next door and that, actually, your life isn’t so bad after all."
A fair few wanted to offer their advice for finding a life partner
@Georgina Duffill
"I met my husband on a ski trip after several unsuccessful attempts at online dating. My advice would be to step away from dating apps and live in the real world with real life interactions. It’s much less frustrating and more rewarding."
@J Behardien
"As the person who was on the other side of the desk, what struck me time and time again was how lonely so many young men and women were. These were not drug-addled no hopers but nice young folk with good jobs. In my time three pieces of advice stand out.
"To one young woman I suggested that she learn to ski. This would be a good way for her to meet other young people. This she did and she met and married a Swiss airline pilot.
"The second was a young nurse who would come in in tears at each failed relationship and say that she was never going to meet anyone. I told her that she was a really nice person and I just didn't see that her being alone was in her cards. She relaxed a bit and let events come to her a bit more. In time she met a great chap with a really good job and they now have two wonderful boys.
"The third lady came in sobbing with heartbreak. She told me that her husband of some 10 years had left her. I told her that maybe if she could she should try to just let events run but that I had a feeling the final decision would be hers. She came some months later to see me and told me that I was quite correct. Her husband had come crawling back but she decided that he had done her a favour and no longer wanted him. One partner used to give out cards for a divorce lawyer - which I could never bring myself to do."
@Ben Hughes
"Just go out and meet people with similar interests. You don’t need to hop in to bed with them every time you’re out there. Just be yourself and don’t get disheartened if you don’t find someone straightaway. Just enjoy yourself and you’ll probably find the right person to share your life with. Might not be the find of the century or the ultimate love of your life. But it very rarely is. Even in the most apparently successful of relationships. Don’t settle either. If it isn’t working then move on. But if you intend to commit, then commit. And be prepared to work at the relationship. After all, no matter what, you’re still two different people."
And finally, it was nice to see a few readers ruminating on why we all care so much at all
@Si BLL
"I find that my female friends who happen not to be in a relationship are always having to justify themselves to other women. There seems to be some stigma amongst women about being single and feeling pressured to forever be on the look out for that fairy tale partner."
@‘Tea Fortwo’
"Why is there even a single verses coupledome conundrum. It either happens or it doesn’t. I’ve been single, married, divorced, single, married. I’ve no problem being in a couple or being single, both have their merits. Life is far too short to be so narrowly focused about life. Embrace it, whatever."
