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The secret staycation algorithm: How to find that truly under-the-radar holiday destination

Empty beaches await those with imagination - Getty
Empty beaches await those with imagination - Getty

Five secret beaches. Seven undiscovered hotels. Ten off-radar walking trails. Such alluring headlines atop expertly concocted listicles do two contradictory things. They give readers of this newspaper – and other media that endeavour to unearth the new-born wonders of world travel – a chance to get there before the crowds, the tour firms and the widely-despised influencers.

They also encourage several thousand of those same readers to go to the places as soon as as is feasible, thus annihilating the very secretness, off-radarness and undiscoveredness that is being promised.

It’s the age-old bind of lifestyle journalism: it destroys the thing it loves. But it’s not easy to get round. Guidebook publishers have, from time to time, committed to excluding the tiniest of twee villages that would have been – or would be – made unliveable for locals and unbearable for visitors by a sudden influx. In 2018, Airbnb issued press releases saying it would only support destinations that needed it, thus ensuring sustainability and all-round satisfaction.

What an enlightened approach. But, of course, anyone equipped with the most rudimentary research skills could easily scour old guides or, even, make a note which cute hamlets and quaint villages are missing from a book or website – and go there in order to be the sole, supreme conquistador. Let’s face it, the only way to stop overtourism is local and enforceable legislation; post-pandemic, I’m betting even “Turistas Go Away!” ground zeroes like Barcelona, Dubrovnik and Venice will be after as many visitors as they can get.

A journalistic solution has been to recommend second and third tier places, destinations on the rise. But I’ve always been ill at ease with the tagline that we should “go somewhere before it is ruined.” It presupposes that I will play a part in said ruination and theoretically condemns most places to future horridness, even though we know mega-attractions such as Machu Picchu and Blackpool Pleasure Beach can, in fact, be managed quite well despite large numbers of people, and even serve as a sort of holding bay to stop the hordes from spoiling more vulnerable and unprepared destinations.

Could it be Nuneaton? - Getty
Could it be Nuneaton? - Getty

I’m equally wary of the myth of authenticity. Many old European cities have those supposedly amazing restaurants on the second or third streets back from the plaza. We “stumble on” them like open-mouthed neanderthals born that morning. As if the worldly proprietors of the artfully tobacco-stained, unmopped tabernas and trattorias didn’t realise every tourist ever born is on the shadowed prowl looking for the realest, roughest-hewn, least commercialised/sanitised joint in town!

To be first or at least original will always have a certain kudos. We’ve all stumbled on a place that struck us as magical and yet surprisingly untainted by coachloads of selfie-shooters. Sometimes the sensation turns out to be specious. I remember walking into a fish restaurant in Split and finding it empty. When I looked at the menu I thought I had made a genuine discovery. After a few bottles of some carefully sourced foot-pressed organic red wine, I got chatting to the beardy, lustily cheeked local chef. Yes, Anthony Bourdain was here recently, he told me. The place was empty and I got served a memorable lunch simply because it was (uncoolly) early and they didn’t take reservations because they didn’t need them. Luck and being flexible about timings probably lead to more joy than any amount of planning and research.

The coast near Sellafield. Try to ignore the hulking power plant - Getty
The coast near Sellafield. Try to ignore the hulking power plant - Getty

But there is a more scientific way. The search engines of the world-dominating digital platforms employ algorithms to roboticise our desires. They group us, categorise us, use AI and machine learning, elaborate models and advanced maths to supply us with what they know we want and also offer not only similar suggestions but suggestions already endorsed and enjoyed by people with similar profiles. They know that a British female aged 33 who gave five stars and an exclamation-spattered review to a six-star hotel spa in Dubai is unlikely to be desperately seeking a month of backbreaking voluntourism in the Paraguayan Chaco. They check our gender, habits, the depth of our pockets, our home address and, spinning our existences around the tombola of consumerist truth, come up with the goods.

We fall for this. We rush there. Result: we don’t only meet lots of other people but (The Horror!) lots of other people just like us.

For spring and summer of 2021, even allowing for vaccine passports and a flexing of the rules around foreign, there’s at least an even chance tens of millions of us are going to be once again stuck on these busy islands for our main holiday. Last year, that led to mobbed barbecue-moshes in Dartmoor, a tsunami of pink flesh on the sunny Costas del Bournemouth and Blackpool, and a massed rush to the coves of deepest Devon and Cornwall.

What is needed is a foolproof algorithm for securing a crowd-free UK holiday. Can it really be that difficult? After all, an algorithm is simply a series of YES and NO questions. The trick is to personalise these. After all, I know, even better than Zuck, Jeff, Larry and Sergey et al, what I really like. The core 20 questions for my Ideal UK Holiday Algorithm are:

ANSWER YES TO:

  1. Is the local food not stridently Scottish?

  2. Has it always been unfashionable and likely to remain that way (ie does Theresa May holiday here)?

  3. Is the local weather not overly Scottish?

  4. Is it at least 50 miles from Trafalgar Square, Heathrow Airport and Grimsby?

  5. Is it alright to relax and opt out of “coasteering”, “stand-up paddleboarding” or “wild swimming”?

  6. Is the local music not mainly bagpipes?

  7. Are there more car parks than caravan parks?

  8. Is it absolutely nothing to do with Harry Potter, zoos or pirates?

  9. Are there visitors from postcodes other than SW19, the KTs, TWs and GUs?

  10. Is it cheap?

ANSWER NO TO:

  1. Does it possess a yachting marina?

  2. Has Joanna Lumley ever been?

  3. Has a popular and/or hyped film or TV series been shot there since 2000?

  4. Is it in Cornwall, London, Brighton, Pembrokeshire or Edinburgh?

  5. Does it have a restaurant run as a celebrity chef franchise?

  6. Is Donald Trump the owner of a golf course there?

  7. Has it ever been described ever as “shabby chic”, “bijou” or “chichi”?

  8. Are “second homes” a big, big issue with (the few remaining ) locals?

  9. Has it got a a huge funfair, lots of slot machines and/or an ironically camp seaside schtick?

  10. Is it “iconic” or “Instagrammable”?

Give Peterborough a chance - Getty
Give Peterborough a chance - Getty

When I processed my data and asked for seven different holiday ideas my mainframe came up with:

  1. Beach: Sellafield

  2. Town or city: Nuneaton

  3. Accommodation: bivvy bag

  4. Leisure activity: roundabout spotting

  5. Foodstuff: eel pie

  6. Museum/gallery: The Milton Keynes Museum of switchboards and keyboards

  7. County: Huntingdon and Peterborough

Rarely have I seen so complete a list of the Seven Anti-Wonders of the United Kingdom. But as soon as I saw the results I realised I had committed the most elementary of errors. I had forgotten to factor “pleasure” into the algorithm. A quick tweak and the noughts and ones came up with a far more viable list of seven fad-free but fun, popular but not populous ideas (including, surprisingly, a couple of Caledonian propositions). More details I cannot, and will not, share with you as these ideal holidays are mine, all mine.

Ideas for off-the-radar UK holidays (if you cannot get your algorithm in order)

Herefordshire: the English country time forgot

Secret seaside: 10 overlooked corners of Britain for a post-lockdown escape

Forgotten corners of Britain you should discover

England’s lost county – where warm beer and village cricket are eternal virtues

The wild corner of Scotland that exists between heaven and hell

A complete guide to the best hotels in the UK