Just a short time ago, I lived a life in which I wasn't the slightest bit aware what Teen Witch was. Then, on a fateful Saturday afternoon, my wife fired up our Max subscription to show our daughter what might be the most accurate representation I've seen of a fever dream on film in my life. I don't know what I expected from the Robyn Lively-led coming-of-age movie, but it certainly wasn't what I witnessed.
2023 is a great year for coming-of-age movies, but it's maybe not the best year to watch Teen Witch. While it is a perfect choice for a not-so-scary Halloween flick, this movie is also an absolute mess and may actually be more '80s than the actual '80s. It truly has some wtf and hilarious moments that I noticed that might encourage others to check it out.
Why Does Louise Not Just Accept Brad's Apology For The Bike Accident?
Louise is a shy, love-struck teen, and Teen Witch does a lot to establish that early on. This includes nearly being run over by her crush while riding a bike and playing it off like it wasn't his fault in the slightest bit. In fact, Louise almost goes so far as to suggest to Brad that she actually was trying to get hit. I felt like this was the perfect opportunity to really try and advance their relationship, and instead, she rejected his offer for a ride home like a total goofball. It irked me, but that was only because it was early in the movie, and I still wasn't fully aware of what this whole thing was.
Mr. Weaver Was A Real Jerk
I know that the '80s were a different time, but an asshole then is an asshole now. Mr. Weaver was definitely a jerk and kind of a creep to antagonize Louise the way he did, reading out her notes in class even when he realized they were inappropriate. I assumed he'd be fired after being caught with his pants down in front of students, but he's there later, celebrating Louise's popularity with the rest. If there was one person in Teen Witch that I wished something bad happened to, it's him. Yet somehow, there's never appropriate justice delivered in my eyes.
Richie Is A Savage, But He's Also Hilarious
As a brother to two sisters, I'm well aware siblings can be insensitive. Richie Miller is truly next level, however, and his insults are just way out of pocket. What is it with this kid that every insult he dishes out sounds like it's being delivered by an uncle in his late 30s who drinks entirely too much? Like, what kid goes on a tangent that ends with calling his sister a "dog" multiple times? Not any kid I know, but it's hilarious all the same because this movie would fall flat in a lot of scenes without these jabs to spice it up.
Why Does "I Like Boys" Come In As A Random Song And Dance Number?
Teen Witch has a lot of weird moments, but I don't think any of them quite match the randomness of the gym locker room scene where everyone is dancing to "I Like Boys." It's one of the only times in the movie where the characters break the fourth wall and start doing a choreographed dance for the camera. Keep in mind, there's no magic introduced in the movie at this point, so it's just in there and never really addressed again. Why was it in the movie to begin with? That's a question that could apply to so many scenes, so I guess I have to let it slide.
"Top That" Is A Certified Jam, Even Though It's Cheesy
The "Top That" song is probably one of the most iconic moments of Teen Witch, and with good reason. It's a rap number that feels like it was written and choreographed by someone who looked at hip hop videos for 15 minutes and said, "Ok, that's easy." The result is three dudes dancing around in the goofiest way possible and doing a rap that was arguably lame even in 1989. If you don't believe me, the actors themselves even admitted in an interview with People they knew it was bad when filming, but went along with it anyway. I truly thank them for it, because it created one of the goofiest scenes you genuinely won't know to take seriously or not when watching. Suffice it to say Teen Witch didn't make our list of top films starring rappers.
Madame Serena Is A Terrible Moral Guide For Magic
A common trope in teen coming-of-age movies is that usually the mystical figure in them bestows power in the hopes of the character learning some sort of moral lesson. Madame Serena isn't about that life. She doesn't really give a damn what Louise does with the magic amulet, and almost kind of encourages her to use it for personal gain at any cost. When Louise saw the error in her ways, I somewhat expected Madame Serena to be like, "This was my plan the whole time." That wasn't the case, but she was happy to have that amulet back.
Louise's Family Asking About The Chairs Is The Best Part Of The Movie
The absolute best part of Teen Witch is when Louise finally gets Brad into her room and attempts to get him to sit on her bed. She does this by removing the chairs, and then masterfully explaining to her new beau that they're out getting reupholstered. Unfortunately, her lie immediately unfolds as family members continually come in and ask her where she put all of her chairs. It's so hilariously awkward I couldn't stop laughing every time it happened. It was truly the best part of the movie for me.
What The Hell Happened To David?
Louise going to the dance with David was a mistake. Not only is the guy a total dweeb, but he's also a gross individual who sexually harasses her several times in the car. Fortunately, Louise is able to get rid of him by wishing him away, but then why is this never followed up on? Did Louise kill David? I'm torn on what to believe. On the one hand, he's never mentioned or asked about again, but on the other hand, Madame Serena pointed out her magic is only temporary, which is why Richie didn't stay a dog forever. Teen Witch should've at least made David apologize or something if he did come back rather than just leaving that part of the story behind.
Watch Teen Witch right now on Max. It's a great movie to watch during the spooky fall season, or any time of the year you're feeling in the mood to watch a hilariously bad movie. Those looking for something a little spookier should hop on over to our best horror movies list to see what all is worth checking out.