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A psychologist wants you to do this after a break-up

Photo credit: mjrodafotografia
Photo credit: mjrodafotografia

From Red Online

Relationships end for a plethora of different reasons, and it's rarely a straightforward process. Some fizzle out over a period of time as you slowly drift apart, whereas others come to an explosive conclusion. For some of us, it is a forced decision and not our choice – or wish – to end it. For others, it feels like the right decision for us to walk away.

However a relationship ends though, it's unlikely that anyone escapes the rollercoaster of emotions as we come to terms with the loss of a partner. Particularly as many parts of the UK head into a third lockdown, the grieving process can feel all the more harder as we spend more time alone and emotions feel intensified.

As well as this, there are the practical challenges we face alongside a break-up: not having a plus one, taking over their household chores and bills if you live together, becoming a single parent or even just dating again.

So, what can you do to prevent yourself from making the same mistakes again and again?

Dr Becky Spelman, Psychologist and Clinical Director of Private Therapy Clinic, recommends a full 'relationship debrief' after a break-up, so that you can move on in a healthy fashion.

'It’s important to hold a debrief on your last relationship as it really does help you to move on in a positive way without dragging the past with you,' she says. 'The more clarity you have over the other person’s thoughts and feelings, the less room there is to ruminate over the relationship.'

Dr Spelman adds: 'If the relationship didn’t end amicably, you may still be experiencing powerful emotions such as sadness, anger, a feeling of failure, guilt or bitterness – particularly where children are involved. These are negative emotions which, if carried through into the next relationship, could quite likely sabotage it. So, it’s best to work through your emotions first and reach a stage of calm acceptance, without any powerful feelings left lingering.'

However, she does warn that certain, particularly traumatic, relationship breakdowns make this tricky: 'It isn’t always possible of course, particularly if you’re still furious with each other, but it can be a good idea to reach out to your ex partner and ask if you can have a chat about why the relationship didn’t work out.

'This isn’t about pointing fingers, name calling and making the other one feel guilty. This might feel good at the time but, ultimately, will not help as you won’t get the answers you seek. Also, if you do share children together, it’s vital that you maintain civility, if not friendship, for their sake as you’ll both remain in their lives forever.'

Studies have shown that individuals who don’t communicate in a helpful way after a break up are far more likely to experience depression afterwards, so it’s in your best interests to reserve judgement and be open to receiving advice from your ex where appropriate.

If you are the type of person who tends to sweep your emotions under the carpet and pretend to the world that you’re fine after you’ve been hurt – therefore denying your grieving process – then you’re likely to find that it will take longer to get over the experience and you will struggle to move on.

So, how do you carry out a full relationship debrief?

Well, in short, a debrief can be broken down into six parts — listed below — and some sections might take longer than others. Work through them at your own pace and seek help where you need it.

Step 1: Take responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the relationship. This will enable you to let go and move forward more quickly. Stop blaming your ex for everything and write a list of the things you did that may have contributed — things are rarely ever one-sided.

Step 2: Spot the communication breakdown. The most common reason for a break-up is a communication breakdown. This is often a long running issue that hasn’t been confronted. It leads to frustration towards each other and eventually builds up to resentment if left unresolved. Take a look back and see if you can identify a time when your communication started to breakdown.

This will help you understand your own limitations in terms of communication – and, perhaps, intercept at the right time if you see the same pattern emerging in your next relationship.

Step 3: Identify the impact of the communication breakdown. Notice how it affected your relationship moving forward and the ripple effect it had on you and your partner.

Photo credit: Oliver Rossi
Photo credit: Oliver Rossi

Step 4: What part did you play in the breakdown? It's hard to do, but getting clear on the role you played is crucial to moving forward without resentment and without holding onto pain.

Step 5: Be clear on what didn’t work for you in the relationship. It’s very easy to reminisce about all the good times and look back with rose-tinted glasses. But it’s important to be clear on what you didn’t like about your relationship, and what you will not tolerate from future partners. Write a list of five ‘must-not-haves’ to prevent you from unconsciously wandering into a new relationship which has the same issues.

Step 6: What did you learn about yourself that can help you in your next relationship? What could you do better, or differently, with a new partner?

'Overall, a relationship debrief allows you to focus on the future without having to dwell on the past,' Dr Spelman says. 'There is no use fantasising about getting back together as a couple, as it is perfectly clear to both of you that the relationship is over. Each of you knows exactly where you stand and, in time, it can in fact help each other to prepare for a future relationship – one which is more likely to work out, if you’ve done the groundwork before committing.'

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