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'I proposed to my partner at the age of 39 – and people still ask why he didn't do it first'

Pippa Hounslow
Pippa Hounslow

Until my late 30s, I hadn’t given much thought to marriage. I wasn’t against the idea, but it didn’t feel important. I have been with my partner, Dan, for 11 years and we have three children together aged six, four and two. All the children have my partner’s second name and I assumed that one day he would pop the question – but, as the years passed, the opportunity never arose. I was 39 when I woke up one morning and simply decided to take matters into my own hands by asking Dan to marry me. Although the spontaneity of the proposal came as a bit of a shock, looking back it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

The years leading up to the proposal were rocky. I would have moments where I was so crippled with anxiety that I couldn’t move, and regularly felt butterflies in my stomach. After months of struggle, I eventually went to see my doctor, where I just broke down and cried. I was prescribed cognitive behavioural therapy, where I learnt to recognise, and manage, the symptoms of my panic attacks.

I came to realise that most of my anxiety stemmed from feeling like I had lost my identity. I used to be a web designer until I had my second child, but when Dan got a full time job it fell on me to look after the children. I was feeling overwhelmed by the number of people who were relying on me and I was doing very little for myself. I’ve always loved arts and crafts, so on a whim I bought the cheapest printer I could find, and started my own business making children’s prints called The Bobbing Dot. Having an hour a day to focus on my own interests makes a world of difference.

Having made those successful changes, it started to grate on me that I had a different surname to my husband. I know it wouldn’t matter much to most people, but my children often bought it up. Dan panicked very early on in the relationship that I would want to get married and, at the time, I felt angry he would assume that. I was never one of those women who had a five year plan, or a notebook scribbled with ideas about how my dream wedding would look. Children and a mortgage felt like much more of a commitment than putting a ring on my finger. There were a few times throughout our relationship when I thought he was going to ask – mainly New Year’s Eves, or big birthdays – but in hindsight I don’t think the idea ever entered his head. Even though I wasn’t fussed about having a wedding, I found myself wondering why he wasn’t asking.

Pip and Dan
Pip and Dan

I had seen the benefits that taking charge of my career had on my mental health, so I thought: “Why not do the same with marriage?” I spontaneously decided to propose to Dan on February 29 last year, which happened to be a leap year. He was away on a walking holiday with some friends which meant I had to get creative. I enlisted the help of the children to make a video of them holding up words on cards that read: “Mummy has a question, and none of us think that you will do it, will you marry mummy?” In the end, the proposal which took 11 years to happen ended up with Dan accepting via FaceTime from his bunk bed in a YHA hostel.

I’d always been confident he would say yes, but it was still a really emotional moment. When he got back from his holiday, he joked that I had robbed him of his chance but deep down I don’t think he had any plans to propose soon.

Because it was such a spontaneous decision I didn’t have much time to tell people before, but my friends and family were delighted when they heard the news. However, depending on who I told, it occasionally felt like there was still a taboo around the topic. Sometimes, I find it hard to say “I asked him to marry me” as I can feel people’s gut reaction is: “Why didn’t he ask you?” It seems there are still a lot of outdated traditions when it comes to marriage, but taking charge of my proposal was empowering. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

As told to Alice Hall